By the time you read this article, you've either caught your husband in a lie or you have circumstantial evidence mounting.
In fact, reading articles like this is among the first thing you should do when wondering, “What should I do if I don't trust my husband?”
You can get knowledgeable and honest advice that isn't rooted in emotions.
We'll investigate why you have distrustful feelings toward your husband and what you can do about them.
- Why Do I Feel Like I Can't Trust My Husband?
- I Don't Trust My Husband: 11 Ways to Deal with It
- What If I Can Never Trust My Husband Again?
- Can A Marriage Survive a Lack of Trust?
Why Do I Feel Like I Can't Trust My Husband?
When you don't trust your husband, it can turn your whole life upside down. Not only could you face an uncertain future, but you're also questioning your past decisions.
You could also be stuck wondering if you are being paranoid or manipulated. It helps to look at the root causes of distrust.
1. You Have Always Had Trust Issues
Our ability to trust starts from infancy when our earliest needs are either met or ignored. As we grow through childhood, friendships and family relationships clearly influence our ability to trust.
If you're suspicious and distrustful in general, you might look for problems where they don't exist or be more attuned to betrayal when it does happen.
2. The Influence of Social Media
Never before have we been able to monitor so many touchstones of our partners' lives.
With various social media platforms, including some geared toward protecting identities, we can quickly become flooded with information to overanalyze. To snoop or not to snoop become a real mental dilemma.
However, check out these statistics:
- 70% of people admit to secretly looking at their significant others' phones.
- 60% of people admit their partner snooped on them.
- 25% of people have been caught cheating on social media.
3. We Love Drama
The monotony of married life can dampen the sex drive and create boredom where it didn't exist during dating. If you are someone who thrives on drama, you might be looking for problems where they don't exist or overreacting to a situation.
Even if the husband is a liar, accusing them of something dishonest could trigger a fight and a make-up session that reignites the spark.
4. He's Changed His Routine
Women have a secret siren somewhere inside their gut that goes off when a husband changes his routine.
Maybe he suddenly works out every morning when he used to sleep in. He could be dressing nicer for work than he has in the past.
When change lacks a catalyst, it makes sense to assume something is happening that women don't know.
5. Your Inner Voice
Our self-esteem is primarily guided by that inner voice that talks to us all day long. This becomes especially important when women feel like they aren't good enough for their husbands.
It could also happen after the birth of a child and the resulting body changes. If you don't love yourself, you can't completely love others, and you might look for confirmation bias to prove you are unworthy.
6. You Feel Guilty
Projection happens when a person accuses another of doing something the first person did. For example, if you went to happy hour and flirted with a handsome man, you might feel guilty about that.
Even though you love your husband and technically did nothing wrong, you could project your actions onto him. This would mean you suddenly connect him going to happy hours with the assumption he'll flirt too.
7. He's Dishonest
No wife wants to address this reality, but you might be married to a dishonest man. Whether the lies are about money, affairs, addictions, and everything in between, the breach of the martial trust hurts the most.
If you know for a fact that he's lying to you, whether once or repeatedly, you aren't going to find the Magic 8 Ball justification here.
I Don't Trust My Husband: 11 Ways to Deal with It
Ok, you're still breathing, right? Release the tension in your jaw. Relax your shoulders. This is a tough topic. Some of the items above might be triggering.
Now, let's focus less on the problem and more on the possible solutions.
1. Act Like A Lawyer
Binge a few episodes of your favorite legal show and get into the lawyer state of mind. Before you make outrageous accusations, you should get evidence.
Circumstantial evidence rarely holds up in a court of law, and it likely won't get very far in your home, either. You need to find real proof like bank statements, text messages, and photos that back up evidence of a lie.
2. Keep a Poker Face
Very few men will confess to a list of sins when a wife asks, “are you being dishonest with me about anything?” (If only it were that easy!)
Keep the information you have close to the vest and don't show your whole hand at once. Here's an example:
- Wife: “Where were you at lunch today? I called, but you didn't answer.”
- Husband: “I worked through lunch.”
- Wife: “Oh, I saw your car in Midtown. That's why I called.”
See how you're not accusing anything there? You're also giving a perfectly sound platform for him to tell the truth.
3. Get Counseling For Yourself
Your friends and family might make great sounding boards, but then you've got a slew of people up in your business and that could come back to bite you.
Find a counselor, even a few virtual sessions, to talk through your concerns and how to address them with your husband. It will help reinforce a level head to develop a game plan instead of ruminating on your anxious thoughts all day long.
4. Get Counseling as a Couple
Even before you throw out an accusation or evidence, you can control the environment by scheduling marriage counseling.
When meeting on neutral ground with no escape route, it's easier to talk through concerns with someone who can help guide the conversation.
5. Talk About Trust
Try addressing the topic from a general standpoint instead of an accusatory one. You might bring up that you read an article stating 70% of spouses snoop on their partner's phones.
This could lay the groundwork for what level of transparency you want as a couple.
Transparency and trust can go hand in hand. This is also a good time to talk about if you believe omitting details is a lie or if it's okay to chat with an ex without telling each other.
6. Hold To Your Boundaries
You wouldn't be reading this article if you just had a minor hunch. There's a good chance you're onto something.
Instead of worrying about him, worry about you. Face the reality of the situation.
- Can you forgive infidelity?
- How will you move past the irresponsible spending financially and emotionally?
- Is one lie forgivable but a series of lies a dealbreaker?
Once you're clear about what you will and won't tolerate, you'll be better able to confront and move past the situation, whatever that looks like for you and your family.
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7. Plan for Excuses
You're back in the relationship courtroom on this one, and you need to think like a lawyer once again. Charming husbands are the most challenging to catch in a lie because they know how to push your buttons and get you off their back.
Prepare for gaslighting, projection, bald-faced lies, and emotional outbursts.
8. Understand How Men Operate
Men have the skill of compartmentalization that women lack. Many cheating husbands can still love their wives as much as on their wedding day but still have affairs.
It’s because they take the affair, put it in an emotional box, and close it when they get home.
This ability is evident when men say, “She didn't mean anything to me!” The truth is, she likely didn't mean anything to him because men can disconnect sex from emotions. Many women struggle to understand this concept.
Compartmentalization doesn't justify lies or cheating, but it can help you understand how he could do this to you.
9. Evaluate How Much You Really Care
Married life isn't easy. It's a choice to wake up every day and continue building a relationship. As time goes on, couples can grow apart and fall into more of a roommate situation than a romantic one.
It might sound crass, but finding out you can't trust your husband could be the force needed to move on.
Even if you stay in the marriage for the kids or until you can formulate an exit strategy, it's essential to know how you feel about the relationship.
Are you ready to fight for it? Or are you ready to throw in the towel?
10. Evaluate Your Behavior
It is not victim-blaming but more of a self-reflection. When women start to suspect lies, we can get more inquisitive, yet men will see it as badgering the witness.
Women have also perfected the silent treatment and the obscure “I'm fine” when they are nowhere near fine.
If a man is trying to avoid conflict, he might use lying to stop the fight before it starts or refuse to answer questions because you are so worked up.
If you can tweak your emotional reactions to more neutral ground, you might find a more honest husband walking through the door.
11. Don't Lose Yourself
You were whole before you married him, and you'll be complete if you split. In this emotional purgatory, you need to avoid getting lured into becoming someone you are not.
Too many women try to “save the marriage” by purchasing lingerie they would never usually wear or changing in some way to get their husband's attention.
You can always work on a better version of yourself, but don't lose who you are to be what you think your husband wants.
What If I Can Never Trust My Husband Again?
One lie doesn't make for a dishonest man. One affair doesn't mean you can't ever trust him again. Only you know where those lines are in your relationship.
Every marriage has its own way of working.
Some people accept lies in exchange for an affluent lifestyle, while others ignore all the warning signs to keep the peace.
- It doesn't matter what your mom, best friend, office confidante, or anyone else would do when faced with lost trust. It matters what you would do.
- You should avoid the absolute word “never” in any circumstance. Trust is earned and built. It can be knocked down, but it is rarely nuked.
- Give yourself some space to let the emotions simmer down before you take the next step.
No matter the path you take, a licensed counselor or psychiatrist can give you the best coping and acceptance mechanism.
Even if this marriage doesn't work out, you don't want to take that mistrust as painful baggage on the way out the door.
Can A Marriage Survive a Lack of Trust?
At some point, you'll have to consider the possibility of staying in a marriage without trust. There are couples who stay together for financial or family reasons and can appear quite comfortable doing so.
However, being comfortable isn't always being happy. It's all but impossible to have a happy, healthy marriage if there's a breach of trust that isn't being rebuilt.
You'll lack true marriage values if you can't be honest and trustful of each other. If there's anyone who should always have your back, it's your spouse. Losing that means losing a lot more and risking mental health issues and self-esteem challenges.
Your marriage can survive the rebuilding of trust, but it's not the best idea to have a marriage devoid of trust “until death do you part.”
At this point, you're likely wondering, “How do I trust my husband again?” It isn't an easy path to consider, but you must be committed and open to rebuilding that trust.
That is the #1 priority, even more than his willingness to be trusted again.
Can you let go of the past and work toward a future? Forgiveness doesn't mean a fresh supply of trust. It just means you love them enough to move forward.
Working with professionals trained in marriage counseling will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage.
With virtual sessions so commonplace, you don't even have to leave the privacy of your home to start the conversation.