Part of growing up is learning to be considerate of others without expecting a reward.
If you want to know how to woo your wife and renew her interest in sexy couple time, the key is treating her with love and respect.
And that means not seducing your wife because you’re having trouble sleeping — or because you’re feeling insecure.
If you’re asking, “How can I get my wife in the mood for love?” you’re asking the wrong question.
How to Seduce Your Wife with 15 Romantic Gestures
Lay the proper foundation, and intimacy will follow.
1. Ask her about her day — and listen to her.
This isn’t the time to try to silence her with a kiss (because you’re bored or you don’t know how to fix things for her). Just listen to her and try to understand what she’s going through.
Show genuine interest in what she’s saying, too. She’ll pick up on it if you’re bored.
Don’t turn something she says into an opening for a self-centered monologue, either. Just because you’ve had an experience similar to what she’s describing doesn’t mean she wants to hear all about it.
2. Be more affectionate — without expecting it to lead to sex.
If the only time you hug or touch your wife is when you’re in the mood and hoping she’ll take the hint, she’ll probably react to every touch as an unspoken request for sex.
And she’s likely to start avoiding those touches and become suspicious of every affectionate gesture you make.
Show her affection just to let her know how you feel about her, without expecting her to become putty in your arms.
3. Make her life a little easier with thoughtful surprises.
Pick up the dry cleaning for her, or stop by a store and pick up a dessert she loves — or a bouquet of her favorite flowers. Get her car washed and detailed, or just fill up the tank and wash the windows.
Do something that shows you care enough to make her life a little easier. And this should go without saying, but don’t expect sex as a reward for being a thoughtful human being.
4. Cook for her (or with her) or order something she loves.
This shouldn’t be a once-in-a-blue-moon thing, either. Don’t expect her to be your live-in cook and housekeeper 24/7. And don’t flatter yourself into thinking sex with you is all the reward she needs.
Show that you’re willing to share the work of keeping your home clean and putting food on the table. Otherwise, she’ll put most of her energy into that — or something else.
If she gets the impression you take her for granted, she won’t be interested in sex, anyway.
5. Restock something she’s running out of.
Maybe she’s running out of her favorite coffee, tea, or wine. Or perhaps you’ve noticed the flowers in her favorite vase are dying. Whatever you’ve noticed she’s running low on, ask what you can do to replenish her supply (unless she’d rather do that on her own).
It matters to her that you noticed and are willing to go to the trouble of replenishing something vital to her.
6. Make her laugh (and laugh with her).
Couples who laugh together are more connected — and more likely to be intimate with each other — than couples who don’t.
Get to know her humor and work with that. Or reintroduce something you remember enjoying with her, and set a date for the two of you to enjoy it together again.
Let her know how much you love her laugh, too. It matters. And it should be something you love and enjoy even when she’s not in the mood for sex.
7. Hug without groping.
Hugs and other affectionate touches shouldn’t come with strings attached.
If you grope her every time she’s in your arms, she’ll start avoiding those hugs — and possibly even avoiding you.
Because you’re sending the message that you see affectionate touch as a gateway to your own personal gratification when sometimes she just wants a hug without picking up hints that you’re expecting more.
8. Compliment her without ogling or asking for sex.
You can tell her she looks beautiful without staring at her cleavage or grabbing for her behind. And the message will come through much more clearly if you’re not using it to send the not-so-subtle hint that you want sex ASAP.
Ogling is gross. Even if you’re her husband, it can leave her feeling as if her main appeal for you is her body and what you can get from it.
Practice admiring things about her that have nothing to do with sex or with her body.
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9. Help her look for something she’s lost.
If she’s lost something important to her, take the time to help her find it — or at least offer to. She might decline if she knows you need to get to work on time, but she’ll appreciate your willingness to stay and help her search.
It goes without saying that, if you find it, you shouldn’t expect to be rewarded with sex. Helping your wife and seeing the relief on her face should be reward enough.
10. Get to know her family and friends.
Show some eagerness to go with her when she’s visiting family or meeting with friends (unless this is a private conversation). And make an effort to get to know them better.
Maybe invite them over to dinner (which you make or help prepare). Or do something thoughtful for them.
If you love your wife, other people she loves should matter to you, too. And she’ll appreciate your efforts to get along with them.
11. Write her a love letter.
If you find it easier to articulate your thoughts in writing, why not write your wife a love letter. Or start a notebook together, beginning with an entry from you, and invite her to respond.
Then keep responding to each other with thoughtful, honest entries until you fill that notebook. If you’re both inclined to keep it going, start another notebook.
12. Send her thoughtful texts during the day.
Texting may be quicker than handwriting, but it can still be challenging to know just what to send in a text to someone you’re in love with.
Start with some thoughtful texts just to check in on her and see how her day is going. Or share a joke you enjoyed. Or use a text to invite her to a special dinner for the two of you.
Texts can be plenty romantic; the key is getting to know what she likes and offering that without expecting a quid pro quo.
13. Pick something up for her on the way home.
It doesn’t have to be expensive. Pick something that shows you’ve been paying attention, and you know what she likes (and what she doesn’t). She’ll love that those details mattered enough to you that you noticed.
Maybe there’s a book you know she’s interested in. Or maybe you know she loves a particular flower (or color of flowers) or a particular kind of coffee or chocolate.
Surprise her without expecting her to repay you with something else.
14. Watch something fun together
Go see a movie together. Or rewatch a movie you both enjoyed. Or stream a new show you both like, whether it’s funny, scary, romantic, action-packed, or some combination of those. Just make sure it’s something you both enjoy.
If one of you is bored or seeing that time as a sacrifice they have to make. It’ll show. If you both genuinely enjoy what you’re watching, it can help draw you closer together.
15. Do something fun together (that isn’t sex).
Start a passion project together. Or reenact the best parts of your first date — or the best of your first dates. Ask her what she’d like to do again that she enjoyed doing with you, whether that’s riding roller coasters, hiking together, or painting a room.
Do something that will give you a chance to enjoy each other’s company without either of you expecting it to lead to the bedroom. If that’s where you end up, it should be a natural development, not something either of you expects.
Now you can seduce your wife with love and kindness.
It’s important to mention, here, that even if you’re exhausting yourself with thoughtful actions with no expectation of a reward — and she’s still not interested in sex with you — it’s a good idea to look into couples’ counseling.
If she’s open to that, a professional can help you both uncover whatever is making intimacy between you impossible.
Start by making time every week just to talk. Even if your marriage is changing, she’ll appreciate your genuine interest in getting to know her better.