Statistically and logically speaking, more often than not, relationships end.
After all, most folks date more people in a lifetime than they marry.
And yes, these endings can be difficult.
But increasingly, people are punctuating their separations with an in-depth conversation — a post-dating ritual we’ve come to know as “closure” — that’s meant to ease the transition.
So, to help you through this final stage, we’ve curated a list of questions to ask an ex.
What Can I Ask My Ex for Closure?
In the not-too-distant past, when relationships ended, that was it.
The concept of “closure” wasn’t a common and acceptable thing.
People moved on, and that was that.
But things have changed. These days, we better understand the psychological benefits of closure, and many splitting couples indulge in the exercise.
Typically, the process involves a probing conversation, and overwhelmingly, post-breakup questions fall into one of five categories.
- Why: If you didn’t want the union to end, uncovering why your ex did is a typical curiosity.
- When: If your relationship died a slow death, you’d want to know when things started turning south for your ex and other related questions.
- Now: Of course, you want to know a little about your ex’s life post-breakup.
- Reflection: This category includes the philosophical and what-if questions related to your partnership.
- Reconciliation: Some people wrap up “closure conversations” with amicable questions about the future and remaining platonic parts of each others’ lives.
55 Questions to Ask Your Ex
If the split is amicable, or both parties are mature enough to calmly discuss their disappointments and regrets, “exit interviews” can be enlightening.
To that end, let’s review a few questions to ask after a breakup.
Not all of our queries will apply to every relationship, but hopefully, you’ll find several to use.
1. How Are You Doing?
One of the first questions to ask your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is how they’re doing. It’s polite.
2. Do You Miss Us?
Even if reconciliation isn’t feasible, the answer to this question is helpful. If your ex doesn’t miss the relationship, it may make letting go easier.
3. Why Do You Think We Broke Up?
We all see life through different lenses. This will give another perspective into your relationship.
4. Why Do You Think I Fell Out of Love?
This question could provide insight into how your ex saw you throughout the relationship — which is often different than how we see ourselves.
5. Why Did You Fall Out of Love With Me?
If you ask this question, gird yourself for a difficult answer.
6. If I Changed [Insert Thing], Would We Still Be Together?
Be careful with this one. It can come across as too desperate. But in certain situations, it can be a valuable learning self-reflection question.
7. Do You Still Think About Me?
This question can blossom into a huge ego boost or devolve into an ego destroyer. Use wisely!
8. What Did You Like Best About Our Relationship?
Rehashing good times rarely hurts, and it gives insight into what positives you can bring into your next relationship.
9. What Did You Hate Most About Our Relationship?
Acknowledging the bad is massively beneficial. After all, we learn from our mistakes.
10. Be Honest, Did You Ever Cheat on Me?
If you suspected infidelity and your ex consistently denied it, wouldn’t it be nice to know if they were gaslighting you?
11. Be Honest, Did You [Insert Specific Incident]?
Now’s the time to find out if they were lying about that big incident. But remember, they could continue to lie.
12. Could You Ever See Us Getting Back Together?
Leave this one alone if you have a toxic on-off pattern.
13. I Heard You’re Already in Another Relationship. Is That True?
When an ex moves on quickly, the pain can be immeasurable. This question cuts through any gossip.
14. Did You Ever See a Future With Me?
Sometimes, it’s good to discover if the other person saw your thing as a fling. It may hurt, but it’s a hard lesson learned.
15. Did You Tell Your Parents We Broke Up? What Did They Say?
Were you close with his family already? Finding out how they took the news may be comforting.
16. Did the Relationship Change You?
If the union was particularly intense, this might be an interesting question to ask.
17. What Did You Do With the Stuff I Gave You?
Prepare yourself for the fact that they may have gotten rid of it all.
18. What Is Your Favorite Memory of Our Relationship?
If your ex says something snarky like, “none,” then walk away and don’t look back. You don’t need that level of immaturity.
19. Have You Changed Since the Breakup?
This question is for former people who haven’t seen each other in years after breaking up.
20. What Have You Learned About Yourself During Our Separation?
Was the plan to consider a reunion? If so, this is a good place to start.
21. Was I a Good Partner?
This is another question that you should deploy only if you can handle a harsh response.
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22. Do You Still Think You Were a Good Partner?
If you broke up because your ex was a narcissist or dealt with behavioral issues, this question provides insight into their current state.
23. Do You Think We Were Sexually Compatible?
If your ex struggles with toxic masculinity, you may not get a truthful answer because of a distorted sense of sexual prowess.
24. Are You Sober?
This is for couples who parted ways because of an addiction issue.
25. Is There Something You’ve Always Wanted To Say to Me but Haven’t?
If the conversation is already in a contentious place, this question may best be left on the shelf.
26. Is There Anything About Our Relationship That You Want To Blank From Your Memory?
If delivered with the right amount of lighthearted humor, this could be a super ice-breaker or way to cut tension.
27. Do You Remember When We First Met?
Does your ex think back on it fondly? Do you? Were there red flags even then? If so, it may be good to explore.
28. What’s the Best Lesson You Took Away From Our Relationship?
Understanding the good your ex took from the relationship may help heal the pain of splitting.
29. Do You Think You’ll Ever Date Someone Like Me Again?
Do you need to prepare yourself for a doppelganger showing up on your ex’s social media?
30. How Did You Cope With Our Breakup?
Of course, you want to know if they holed up inside or went wild!
31. If a Therapist Asked You Why We Shouldn’t Be Together, What Would You Say?
Questioning along these lines only works if your ex is emotionally mature and has a capacity for self-reflection.
32. Do You Think You’re a Good Person?
Sometimes, we realize an ex-partner is fundamentally unkind. Did they also figure it out?
33. Do You Think You Treated Me Well?
This question will uncover your ex-partner’s growth since the breakup.
34. Do You Wish We Never Broke Up?
If you know your ex wants to get back together, this one isn't a kind question.
35. Is Your Family Thrilled We’re No Longer Together?
If your relationship with your ex’s family was strained, this stab at dark humor could lighten the mood.
36. Do You Think One of Use Was More To Blame for the Relationship’s Failure?
This question may force you to consider your behavior, and it could be an excellent learning opportunity.
37. Do You Still Hate Me After All These Years?
If you’re meeting up with an old ex, and it ended badly, this is a fair question. A “yes” means you hurt them badly.
38. Are You Willing To Forgive Me?
If you were in the wrong, acknowledging your mistakes and asking for forgiveness is the right thing to do.
39. What Do You Think I Should Have Done Differently When Things Started Breaking Down?
If your ex is insightful, this line of questioning can spark positive personal growth.
40. Did You Change Your Mind About [Insert Issue]?
If you broke up because of an irreconcilable difference, you’d likely want to know if they changed their mind about it.
41. Have You Ever Found Yourself Wanting To Apologize for Things You Said and Did?
Knowing that your ex feels remorse can be healing.
42. Can I Have My [Insert Item] Back?
Hey, you want your stuff back! It’s understandable!
43. Are You Happy?
You can deploy this double-edged question for good and justified evil.
44. Is There Anything You Want To Ask Me?
Remember not to dominate the conversation. Your ex may have questions, too!
45. Do You Want To Try Being Friends?
Pursuing a platonic relationship can be rewarding if you genuinely like your ex.
Questions to Ask an Ex Who Wants You Back
1. Why do you want to get back together?
The answer will help you know your ex’s motivations for wanting to reconcile and if they've done any self-reflection on what caused the breakup in the first place.
2. What has changed since we broke up?
Find out if any significant changes have happened with them that prompted their desire to get back together or that might make them a better partner now.
3. Have you addressed the issues that led to our breakup?
Have they taken steps to address the problems that led to the breakup (if they caused it), and are they committed to resolving those issues?
4. What will be different this time around?
You want to be sure you won’t have the same problems if you get back together. Find out if they have a plan for making the relationship work this time and if they are willing to put in the effort to make it successful.
5. How do you envision our future together?
Maybe your ex wasn’t willing to commit to you the last time around, or they didn’t have serious career or life goals. Find out where they are now and if your goals align.
6. Have you been seeing anyone else since we broke up?
Is your ex seriously dating someone else, or are they just playing the field? Discover why they want to get back with you if there’s someone else in the picture. Another person in the mix could be a serious red flag.
7. Are you willing to take things slow?
Gauge their level of patience and willingness to take the time to rebuild the relationship slowly. You should both proceed with care and caution and not rush into something that might hurt you again.
8. Can you apologize for the mistakes you made during our relationship?
You want to know if they are willing to take responsibility for their actions and are capable of self-reflection. Even if you triggered the break-up, you want to know if your ex can own their part in it.
9. How will you handle conflicts or disagreements in the future?
Both of you should know how to communicate effectively before reuniting as a couple. Has your ex done any work to learn healthy communication strategies? If not, would they be willing to take a class or go to therapy to learn them?
10. Can we both commit to making this work long-term?
You need to know if they are genuinely committed to the relationship and willing to put in the effort to make it last. Discuss the specifics of what that effort looks like and how you will commit to the actions necessary.
Getting closure on a relationship can be satisfying, and we hope you found our “things to ask your ex” list helpful. Good luck!
