Most problems in relationships boil down to one relationship skill: good communication.
You’re interested in learning more about their thoughts on money, sex, kids, affection, career, long-distance, or any of the many topics that help you know each other better.
But when you don’t express your needs and discuss your differences, things will inevitably break down.
We are turf-oriented creatures, even with our most intimate relationships.
We want to protect our relationship — emotionally, psychologically, and physically — often at the expense of those we love most.
Good and close relationships require letting go of some of that turf, compromising, and accepting that the other person’s needs and feelings are as valid as our own.
What causes relationship misunderstanding?
Simply living in the same space with another person provides plenty of fodder for arguments.
When you are first in a love relationship, the boxers left on the floor are just adorable. The heat turned up to 80 is a darling idea.
But eventually, familiarity breeds, if not contempt, plenty of irritation.
Add to that the stresses of children, finances, and career — along with the real differences in the way men and women perceive the world, and it’s a wonder any of us make it through the first few years of a relationship.
We have to talk about what’s bugging us, what we want from the other, our dreams and disappointments.
And we have to listen, really listen to what the other is saying.
To do that, you must divorce yourself from your personal needs long enough to put the relationship first.
That means conversation can’t devolve into protecting your turf or being right.
You must exercise some self-control, even when strong feelings make you want to say unspeakable things.
The most successful, intimate relationships involve proactive communication before a fight ever breaks out.
As stilted as it may seem, meeting with your spouse or partner on a regular basis and knowing the questions to ask in a relationship will help you learn about each other.
And it will protect your relationship from altercations and even better, it will create a new level of closeness between you.
Here are 108 good relationship questions to ask each other.
Choose some of these good relationship questions to ask your lover to get to know them even better and to improve your connection.
We’ve divided the questions into four categories for convenience, but almost all of the questions work for either partner in any relationship situation.
Relationship Questions for Her
1. What kind of physical touch best says “I love you” to you?
2. What happens if we can’t agree on something important that involves both of us?
3. What could I do that would cause you to pull away from me?
4. Who do we know that has the kind of intimacy that we want?
5. What do you do when you feel hurt by me?
6. What habits do I have that are upsetting to you?
7. How affectionate would you like to be with me?
8. What about our work might become a recurring problem?
9. What will I have to say to get your attention when I’ve not been able to?
10. How will you be able to forgive me if I’ve done something that really hurts you?
11. When we argue, how will you take responsibility for your part of the problem?
12. How can we make our sex life even better?
13. What do you expect from me that you should really be expecting of yourself?
14. How important is it for you to equally share chores?
15. What would you prefer to do on a Saturday night?
16. What do you expect from me related to my health and fitness?
17. What kind of family rituals do you want to develop together?
18. What should we do if we disagree about a parenting issue?
19. How will we know if parenting our children starts to take a toll on our relationship?
20. What should we do if we recognize that parenting is taking a toll?
21. What do you never want me to share with my friends or family?
22. What should we do for our big anniversaries?
23. What new things should we learn together?
24. Under what circumstances would you feel counseling is necessary for us?
25. How should we handle it if one of us wants to go to counseling and the other doesn’t?
Relationship Questions for Him
26. How much time and space do we need apart from each other?
27. How many days between sex will be too long?
28. When you get home from work, what would you like me to do or say in the first few minutes?
29. What changes will I need to make in order for you to be really happy?
30. What happens if one of us needs more space than the other?
31. What do we do if both of us are having a bad day?
32. What about our financial situation might become a recurring problem?
33. What need of yours have I not been able to satisfy?
34. What will you do if you feel tempted by another person?
35. What are your deepest wounds and how can I support you there?
36. What are you willing to do with or for me that you haven’t been able to do in previous relationships?
37. What is the worst habit that you have?
38. What kind of vacation would you enjoy taking together?
39. How has your parents’ marriage impacted your views on marriage?
40. How should we work it out if one of us wants to explore something in our sex life and the other person doesn’t feel comfortable?
41. How do you view our roles as parents and the division of labor related to parenting?
42. Do you believe our marriage comes before our kids? Why or why not?
43. What should we do and say every day to keep our love strong?
44. What should we do if one of our extended family members interferes in our lives as a couple?
45. How would you handle it if I became seriously ill or disabled?
46. How can we avoid using passive-aggressive behaviors with each other?
47. Is there anything in my wardrobe that you’d like to secretly toss out? If so, what is it?
48. How much financial risk are you comfortable with?
49. Who should be the guardians of our kids if we die?
50. How should we handle it if one of us wants to make a large purchase and the other doesn’t agree?
51. Do you believe one-time adultery would end our relationship?
New Relationship Questions
52. What should I never say to you, even in anger or frustration?
53. What activities and interests can we develop that will bring us closer?
54. What is going to really set you off?
55. What’s the biggest lesson I can learn from you?
56. How can we both get our needs met when we want different things on a particular day?
57. What can we do to avoid fighting or arguing entirely?
58. How will we let each other know what we want sexually?
59. What kind of memories do we want to create together?
60. What personality differences do we have that might cause a problem?
61. Where are you unwilling to compromise?
62. What is your most prized possession?
63. What are the best qualities you have to bring to our relationship?
64. Who has been the most influential person in your life and why?
65. What is your definition of intimacy?
66. Who has had the biggest impact on you — your mom or dad — and why?
67. How have your past relationships made you a better partner to me?
68. How much do you want to know about my past relationships?
69. What is your biggest life regret and how might it impact our relationship?
70. How do you act when you are really hurt and sad about something?
71. How can I best support you when you are hurt or sad?
72. How would you rate your own level of confidence on a scale of 1 to 10?
73. What makes you lose confidence?
74. What material things are you longing to buy that I don’t know about?
75. What kind of adventures do you dream of that I don’t know about?
76. Which of your friends do you think you are most like?
77. When are you the happiest?
78. What gifts mean the most to you?
79. How much public affection are you comfortable with?
80. How do you like to celebrate your birthday?
81. Do you find it easy or hard to apologize? Why?
Long Distance Relationship Questions
82. How will we know it’s time to close the distance between us?
83. What can we do to prepare for living in the same city in the near future?
84. What more can we do to stay close while living apart?
85. How often do we commit to seeing each other?
86. What is the best way to handle the costs of traveling to see each other?
87. How should we handle it if one of us feels jealous or insecure?
88. Where will we be in this relationship five years from now?
89. What will ruin our relationship?
90. What will keep us happily together for years to come?
91. What will be the early warning signs that our relationship is in trouble?
92. What about my voice or communication style makes you want to spend less time with me?
93. What are your deepest dreams and desires for yourself and for us?
94. What is the best way to share difficult or upsetting information with you?
94. How can we put our relationship first so that it stays healthy and happy?
95. What personal goals do you have that you’d like me to help you achieve?
97. How can we help each other be the people we want to be?
98. What do you think our biggest potential area of conflict might be?
99. How can we proactively address this area of conflict?
100. How do you feel about me being friends with someone of the opposite sex?
101. What makes you feel jealous?
102. What topics of conversation trigger angry or bad feelings for you?
103. When do you feel the most vulnerable?
104. Do you feel safe sharing your vulnerabilities with me? If not, why?
105. How can we have more fun together?
106. Is there anything making you unhappy in our relationship right now? If so, how can we address it?
107. What makes you laugh the most?
108. What is your idea of the perfect date night with me?
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Which of these relationship questions helped you most?
Now that you have 108 brilliant questions to ask the person you love, which ones will you ask today or this week to strengthen your relationship?
Which questions stood out to you as you read or skimmed over the list?
Some relationship topics are probably bigger issues for you than others.
No two relationships are the same, so it makes sense that each person will be drawn to different questions.
Start asking the questions, though. And listen to understand — not to respond (or to defend yourself).
Don’t forget to also ask your significant other what topics are near to their heart and what questions they’d like to ask and explore.
The better you communicate with each other, the stronger your connection will be, which is the foundation for true intimacy.
May your thoughtfulness and courage influence everything you do today.
Finally, if you’d like to learn how to have deeper intimacy and enhance your relationship, then I invite you to grab this book, which has 201 powerful questions to build a deeper connection with your loved one.