When you first met and got to know each other, getting in the mood was never a challenge.
Now that you’ve been together for a while, you’re noticing some reticence, some hesitation, even some decline in interest.
You can no longer assume that if you’re interested in sex, your partner will be, too.
So what can a list of sexually intimate questions for couples do to turn things around and rekindle the romance? Read on to find out.
Can asking intimate questions deepen the sexual experience with your partner?
Psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron developed three dozen questions to create closeness between couples in a lab setting. And while these weren’t all deep sexual questions, they went to the heart of each person’s values and attitudes.
And they drew many of their participating couples closer together.
The following questions are specifically sex-related. All of them go to the heart of your attitudes toward sex, as well as the feelings and values behind them. And they can make your sex life with your partner all the more pleasurable and intimate.
We’ve devised them to get you both talking about something that will influence your relationship for the better as long as you’re together.
Go through the questions slowly and answer them honestly and thoroughly with each other.
- Can asking intimate questions deepen the sexual experience with your partner?
- 36 Sexually Intimate Questions for Couples to Build Deeper Connection
- 1. How do you like me to initiate sex?
- 2. What kind of foreplay do you prefer?
- 3. Should we change up our foreplay? How often?
- 4. Do you have sexual fantasies that you haven’t shared but would like to?
- 5. Do you enjoy sex toys or would you like to try them?
- 6. What words, gestures, and touch feel erotic and exciting to you?
- 7. What can we do in between sexual encounters to keep the sexual energy alive between us?
- 8. How often do you want to have sex?
- 9. How much cuddling do you need after sex?
- 10. What is off-base completely when it comes to our sexual activity?
- 11. Would you like to make love outside of our bedroom? If so, where?
- 12. In what ways has our sex life gotten boring, and how can we improve it?
- 13. How much talking to do you prefer before, during, and after sex?
- 14. What would you like me to wear before and during sex?
- 15. Is there anything happening in our relationship that is impacting our sex life? If so, how can we address it?
- 16. What part of my body turns you on the most?
- 17. How does our sex life make us closer as a couple?
- 18. Do you have any hang-ups about sex that you can share with me?
- 19. What should we do if one of us wants more sex than the other?
- 20. What is one of the best sexual encounters we’ve had? What made it so great?
- 21. What should we do if we discover that one of us doesn’t enjoy sex?
- 22. How can we deepen our connection when we’re not having sex?
- 23. How much kissing do you enjoy during sex or at other times?
- 24. Has either of us felt pressured by the other to have sex?
- 25. Does either of us enjoy watching sex scenes in movies or TV series?
- 26. Has your body image ever made it more difficult for you to enjoy sex?
- 27. What random, unique thing do you find sexy in a person?
- 28. How does your love language influence your interest in sex?
- 29. What do you wear when you want to feel sexy?
- 30. Name three things you both seem to enjoy during sex?
- 31. What’s your first memory of feeling turned on?
- 32. Did your parents talk to you about sex when you were growing up? If so, how?
- 33. How do you usually feel before and after sex?
- 34. What turns you off the fastest during sex or foreplay?
- 35. How do you think our sex life will change over the years?
- 36. What types of entertainment are most likely to get you in the mood?
36 Sexually Intimate Questions for Couples to Build Deeper Connection
1. How do you like me to initiate sex?
Talk together about how you both prefer to initiate sex. Should you each initiate equally, or do you prefer one or the other to take the lead?
What words or actions should you use to set the mood?
2. What kind of foreplay do you prefer?
Foreplay is an important part of satisfying sex and helps build emotional intimacy.
Talk about the kind of foreplay that feels good and brings you closer during a sexual encounter.
3. Should we change up our foreplay? How often?
Have you developed a routine around foreplay? Do you need to change it up to build the excitement?
Brainstorm new ideas for arousing each other and showing tenderness and love.
4. Do you have sexual fantasies that you haven’t shared but would like to?
If you’ve been too shy or uncomfortable to share your sexual fantasies, you may be surprised at how receptive your partner is.
If you partner shares something you don’t want to try, don’t share or criticize. Just say that you aren’t comfortable with the idea.
5. Do you enjoy sex toys or would you like to try them?
Sex toys can add a creative new element of fun to your sex life.
Talk about the kinds of sex toys you might want to try. Look online together to see what’s available.
6. What words, gestures, and touch feel erotic and exciting to you?
Get specific and detailed with each other about what arouses you and builds the excitement before and during sex.
Let them know exactly what you like and how he or she can please you.
7. What can we do in between sexual encounters to keep the sexual energy alive between us?
Anticipating and sexual energy between a couple can make your sex life more intense and exciting.
What can you do to build that excitement in the days and hours leading up to sex?
8. How often do you want to have sex?
Are you a daily, thrice weekly, once a week, or every couple of weeks person? Not everyone has the same sexual needs.
Communicate what your ideal is and why.
9. How much cuddling do you need after sex?
Do you prefer a quick hug and kiss after sex, or do you like to cuddle together for an hour or so? Is cuddling an important part of the sexual encounter for you?
Discuss how much you both need and how you can reach a compromise if this differs.
10. What is off-base completely when it comes to our sexual activity?
For one or both of you, some types of sexual activity make you uncomfortable, or you just don’t enjoy them.
Have you communicated with each other what you don’t like and consider overstepping your personal boundaries?
11. Would you like to make love outside of our bedroom? If so, where?
Variety is the spice of life — and of healthy, fulfilling intimacy. The bedroom is fine, but are there other locations for sex that might be fun?
You can spice up your sex life just by talking about ideas for your sexcapades.
12. In what ways has our sex life gotten boring, and how can we improve it?
You have to be proactive and creative to prevent your sex life from getting routine.
It’s hard to admit to one another that you feel bored with sex, but talking about this issue can make you closer and make sex much more enjoyable.
13. How much talking to do you prefer before, during, and after sex?
Do you prefer complete silence during your sexual encounters, or do you like to talk and share what you want and what feels good?
Does your partner’s silence or preference for talking during sex bother you? Speak openly with each other about your desires when it comes to talking during sex.
14. What would you like me to wear before and during sex?
You can build the anticipation for your sexual encounters by wearing something that your partner finds sexy.
Look online and find something you’d like your lover to wear, and send him or her the link. Or better yet, surprise your partner with a gift of something fun to wear.
15. Is there anything happening in our relationship that is impacting our sex life? If so, how can we address it?
If you are dealing with stress, a conflict between the two of you, or some other difficult life event, your sex life will surely be impacted.
Talk about what is going on in your lives that might undermine your sex life and how you can address these issues so they don’t continue to dampen your desires.
16. What part of my body turns you on the most?
Just sharing this with one another adds excitement and anticipation.
17. How does our sex life make us closer as a couple?
Talk about the ways your physical intimacy enhances your emotional intimacy. How does making love make you feel about each other and your relationship?
What else could you do related to your sexual encounters to bring you closer as a couple?
18. Do you have any hang-ups about sex that you can share with me?
We carry the baggage from our childhoods and past relationships into our current relationships — and into our attitudes and feelings about sex.
Do either of you feel shame, discomfort, or repressed about any aspect of your sex life? Talk about these feelings and be gentle and accepting of each other as you share your vulnerabilities.
19. What should we do if one of us wants more sex than the other?
Couples can have different sexual needs, and one of you may want sex more often than the other. That doesn’t make either of you wrong or bad.
How can you reach a compromise that is satisfying for both of you?
20. What is one of the best sexual encounters we’ve had? What made it so great?
Revisit some of your most thrilling or deep sexual encounters and talk about every aspect of it that made it so memorable.
After discussing this memory, you may find yourselves acting it out again!
21. What should we do if we discover that one of us doesn’t enjoy sex?
The general expectation that “normal people like sex” can make asexual people feel unwilling to admit their lack of interest — especially if they fear their partner’s response.
Talk about this with each other to ensure that neither of you feels invalidated by the other’s craving for sex.
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22. How can we deepen our connection when we’re not having sex?
What one of you calls physical intimacy may have little to do with real intimacy for the other. Understanding this is key to a successful relationship.
Talk about what constitutes real intimacy for each of you. And discuss how you can both nurture your relationship when you’re not having sex.
23. How much kissing do you enjoy during sex or at other times?
For some, kissing is an important part of either initiating sex or expressing love or affection throughout the day. But this isn’t the case for all.
Talk about how much kissing and general PDA you’re both comfortable with.
24. Has either of us felt pressured by the other to have sex?
It’s not unusual for one person in the couple to be more interested in sex than the other, but niether of you should feel pressured or guilted into being more interested.
Discuss whether either of you feels pressured and how best to initiate sex without making the other feel that they have to comply for fear of offending the other.
25. Does either of us enjoy watching sex scenes in movies or TV series?
One of you might prefer a movie with at least one sex scene to get the other “in the mood,” but if you’re not both into it, the scene will be more divisive than romantic.
Talk about your movie preferences and whether you both like a well-written sex scene. If it’s an aphrodisiac for you both, dress for the occasion before you start the show.
26. Has your body image ever made it more difficult for you to enjoy sex?
If one of you has a hard time not thinking about what they’d like to change about their body, it can ruin an otherwise enjoyable experience.
Discuss what you both love about each other’s bodies. Whatever your physical condition, neither of you should doubt that the other loves to see you naked.
27. What random, unique thing do you find sexy in a person?
What you find sexy in someone — and especially in your significant other — others might not notice or find remarkable. But if it matters to you, it matters to the one who loves you.
Talk about the things you notice and find sexy, whether or not others see those qualities the same way. And discuss what the word “sexy” means to both of you.
28. How does your love language influence your interest in sex?
Generally, when your partner is speaking your love language, you’re more interested in sex. You see them making the effort to communicate love, and you feel closer to them.
If you haven’t already identified your love languages, take a quiz to learn what they are. Then practice speaking each other’s love language throughout the day.
29. What do you wear when you want to feel sexy?
What outfits make you feel sexy, and what is it about those outfits that make you feel that way? Do you dress this way often or only for special moments?
Discuss what you both like to wear when you want to feel sexy or most like yourself?
30. Name three things you both seem to enjoy during sex?
Your answers won’t necessarily match, but it’s good to know what each of you enjoys most about sex and what each of you thinks the other one enjoys.
Talk about what you’ve noticed and what you’d like to do more of. Discuss what you’re both open to doing differently.
31. What’s your first memory of feeling turned on?
Do you remember the first time you felt aroused by someone or something? What was it, and do you feel embarrassed by it?
Talk to each other about what you remember and whether that memory still haunts you in some way. Are either of you curious about something you haven’t dared discuss?
32. Did your parents talk to you about sex when you were growing up? If so, how?
How your family talked about sex (if they ever did) has a tremendous impact on your perception of sex and of your own sexual feelings and behavior.
Discuss how your upbringing influenced your attitudes toward sex and toward yourself. Has it, at least in part, affected your ability to enjoy sex?
33. How do you usually feel before and after sex?
How you both feel — more often than not — before and after sex says a lot about how in tune each of you feels with the other. It can be difficult to talk about it, though.
If one of you feels something negative before or after, be open to discussing the reasons for it. Keep in mind that it may have more to do with your past than with your partner.
34. What turns you off the fastest during sex or foreplay?
If there’s something your partner is doing or saying that turns you off during sex or during foreplay, you’re doing them a favor by letting them know.
Discuss what actions, words, or attitudes turn each of you off — quickly and completely. And talk about how that has affected your relationship and your interest in sex.
35. How do you think our sex life will change over the years?
How you see your sex life in the years ahead says a lot about your relationship, as well as your general attitude toward sex.
If one of you is hoping your partner’s sex drive will shift into neutral (or park), discuss why you might feel that way. And if one of you is planning for a “sex around the world” tour after the kids move out, make sure you’re both on the same page.
36. What types of entertainment are most likely to get you in the mood?
For some, it’s reading (or writing) erotica. Others might watch a favorite movie whenever they want to get themselves ready for sex.
Discuss what forms of entertainment gets you aroused and ready for some sexy couple time. Is there something you could both enjoy together?
How will you use these sexually intimate questions for couples?
Now that you’ve looked over these 36 sex questions for couples, which ones stood out for you the most? Which do you think will be the hardest to answer with complete honesty?
Whatever your biggest sex-related questions are, this list is here to help you get started discussing the intimate details of your relationship.
If you both want to make the relationship all that it can be, these questions should only draw you closer together.
May you both enjoy the process.