There’s nothing worse than the feeling of insecurity around your love partner when you think you aren’t up to par with them.
Do they feel it too?
Are they judging your looks or intelligence?
Will they “find you out” and dump you as soon as they learn how deficient you are?
When you feel like you're not good enough for someone you love, it can affect your life in many ways.
Not only do you feel tension at home when you're around your partner, but you may carry some of that tension into work too.
If you find yourself constantly asking, why am I not good enough for him, it's time to look at how you can change things.
Why Am I Not Good Enough for Him (or Her)?
Though some people think that only women worry about their partners' feelings, men worry too. Whether you're a man or a woman, there are different reasons why you may not feel worthy.
We recommend that you look at some of the common reasons you may not feel good enough for your partner.
• You doubt yourself. Doubting yourself can implant negative thoughts about your relationship. Those thoughts can make you feel like no one will ever love you and that your partner is just going through the motions.
• Your partner is more accomplished. Being in a relationship with an accomplished person is hard. It can make you worry that your partner will leave you for someone more on their level. You may even find yourself thinking about past experiences and wondering if your partner didn't like the way you acted.
• You had some type of childhood trauma. The trauma you experienced as a child doesn't stop when you turn 18. It can continue dragging you down and making you feel bad about yourself. Childhood trauma may include sexual or emotional abuse and negative events like surviving a car accident or seeing a loved one pass away.
• Your partner spends time away. “I'm not good enough for her” is a thought that can run through your head when your partner spends a lot of time away from you. Whether you live together or separately, the time you spend alone can make you worry that they have found someone new or no longer love you.
• Your sex life declined. Sex is a healthy part of any relationship. If your sex life is declining, you will likely feel bad about yourself and worry that you're not good enough for your partner. You may even think that if you lost some weight or got a haircut that they would want to be intimate with you.
• You rarely go out. While some people feel more comfortable at home than they do outside, spending all of your time cooped up inside can result in feeling inadequate. The more time you spend at home, the more you will wonder if your partner would prefer someone more sociable.
• You don't have a support system. When things go wrong, you know that your friends and family are only a phone call away. As you spend less time together with them, you lose that support system, which affects your life and emotions. Not having a sound support system can make you feel like you're not good enough for another person.
• Your partner is neglectful or mean. Being with a negligent partner is hard because you will constantly look for new ways to grab their attention. It might occur because he needs to spend more time at work or because she has some family commitments. If your partner is occasionally mean, you may also feel like you're not good enough.
• You have poor self-esteem. Your self-esteem plays a significant role in how you act in your relationships. Struggling with your self-esteem can leave you feeling like no one will ever want you. You may also worry that you don't deserve your partner and that he'll leave you for someone worthy of his love.
Not Feeling Good Enough for Him (or Her)? 11 Ways to Feel Worthy of Your Partner
Learning how to be good enough for someone is easier than you might think.
You can make some simple changes in your life to make you feel better about yourself and more worthy of someone special.
1. Avoid Negative Self-Talk
Simply saying, I'm not good enough for her or him can wreak havoc on your life and make you feel worse than you did before. You need to learn to focus less on negative self-talk and more on positive.
Negative talk includes thinking that your partner is having an affair when they have to work late or worrying that they notice you put on a few extra pounds and no longer love you.
2. Ask What Your Partner Needs
You can spend hours agonizing about your relationship and what you can change without realizing that your partner doesn't even know how you feel.
Even though it frightens you, take time to sit down and talk about your relationship. Ask your partner would they need from you and explain what you need from them.
3. Realize They Aren't Perfect
Putting your partner on a pedestal is one reason you may not feel good enough for them. No one is perfect, so you need to realize that your special person isn't perfect either. While you should not focus on all of their faults, recognize that those faults do exist.
4. Think About What Enough Means
Do you wonder, “Why am I not good enough for him?” It’s a serious question you might ask yourself, but have you ever wondered what it means specifically?
When will you feel enough for your partner – when they want to spend every moment of the day with you or when they finally agree to take the next step? Once you know what enough means to you, you can make the right changes.
5. Establish Challenges
You won't worry about how your partner feels when you establish some challenges and work on completing them. Each time you finish one, you also get the self-esteem boost you need.
Think about things you always wanted to do, like completing a marathon or taking a cooking class, and start working on them.
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6. Be Honest With Yourself
You should be honest with both yourself and your special someone. Be honest with your partner about how you have felt lately and explain that you don't feel worthy.
You need to be honest with yourself about the reaction you get. If he promises to change and tells you that he loves you, you know you have a chance at a future vs. someone who just laughs you off or ignores you.
7. Let Go of the Past
Whether you have childhood trauma or something that happened as an adult holding you back, you need to let go of the past.
Your current partner isn't the same one who cheated on you or left you for another person. You need to understand how your past impacts your future and learn how to let go. You may need the help of a therapist to work through these issues.
8. Embrace Your Flaws
There is a big difference between focusing on your flaws and embracing them. Not everyone can have a supermodel body or be the most intelligent person in the world.
Look for ways to embrace your flaws and realize that each one helped you become the person your partner loves.
9. Write in a Journal
Writing in a journal is one of the simplest things you can do. Your partner might feel a little off just because you overwhelm them with your daily thoughts and feelings.
This behavior can even make them avoid coming home. Writing in a journal lets you get some things off your chest before you see your partner again.
10. Work On Your Confidence
Instead of focusing on how your partner feels, start focusing on how you feel. Look for ways to boost the confidence you need to feel on equal footing, which can help you like yourself and feel happy about your partner. You might join a gym to lose a few pounds, join a book club, or make new friends.
11. Learn How to Love Yourself
Learning how to love yourself is the most important way to feel better about yourself and good enough for your partner. Make a commitment to stop comparing yourself to others.
Quit thinking about all of your past problems and how you wish your life were different. Today is the day to learn how to love everything about yourself.
There is a lot of wisdom in the saying that no one can love you until you love yourself.
What to Do When Your Partner Makes You Feel Not Good Enough
The way you feel is not always your fault. If you keep spinning plates wondering what to do when you don't feel food enough for your boyfriend, perhaps your boyfriend (or girlfriend) is subtly trying to make you feel this way. Here are some tips for dealing with it.
• Reflect on your feelings. Take some time to think about why you feel the way you do and when those feelings started.
• Head to the bedroom. When you feel down about yourself, hopping in bed is likely the last thing you want to do. Improving your intimacy and trying something new can help you feel better about your relationship.
• Spend some time away from your partner. Though you don't want to ignore the issues in the relationship, you should not be afraid to take some time away for yourself.
• Meet with a therapist. Don't assume that you can change your feelings and your partner's feelings without some help. Talk to a therapist or attend a counseling session with your partner.
• Talk with your partner. The best way to get a handle on your feelings is through a long talk with your partner. They may not even realize how you feel, or that they contribute to your discomfort.
• Break out of your rut. Doing the same thing every day can feel boring, but you may feel anxiety about change. Now is an excellent time to break out of your rut and try something you never thought you would try. It can give you perspective on the relationship.
• Know when to walk away. When you reach the point where you feel your partner doesn't care about you and doesn't want to make any changes, feel confident in walking away. A bad relationship is not worth continuing.
When your best isn't good enough in a relationship, you should not stay with that person and keep hoping that things will change.
We recommend that you try some of these ideas to help you feel worthy of your partner. But it’s vital that you feel good enough for you first, as building your self-esteem allows you to recognize your inherent worth.
If your man or woman suggests that you aren’t good enough for them, it may be time to find someone else who believes you are.