You’ve found a fantastic person who listens to you.
You feel special because this person doesn’t chat with just anyone.
You are now a member of a private club.
In other words, you appear to be in a relationship with an introvert.
Congratulations! Having an introverted girlfriend or introvert boyfriend is a precious opportunity.
Your new love could grow to value you very much.
Just be careful not to misinterpret an introvert’s behavior.
What you might perceive as an unwillingness to talk and be together constantly are likely normal expressions of an introvert’s personality.
Being in a Relationship with an Introvert
Loving an introvert is not necessarily difficult. It might even be easy because introverts usually dislike drama.
So do introverts fall in love easily? The answer is no. They dislike drama but still won’t take any action quickly or lightly. They prefer to study details and ponder their next moves.
The author Susan Cain brought introverts into the mainstream with her book, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.” She describes how misunderstandings in relationships can trouble introverts who find discord particularly painful.
That’s why good communication with your introvert partner is paramount — so you both understand each other.
Research presented in her book shows that introverts:
- Are less responsive to the brain chemical dopamine
- Have more active neocortexes, the brain area focused on thinking and decision making
- Have greater sensitivity to stimulation
- Need more alone time than their extraverted counterparts
These physiological traits should remind you that introverts require time by themselves to decompress, especially after social activities or busy workdays.
They may enjoy social stimulation to a point but then want to withdraw once the social interactions become exhausting (which happens more quickly than you might expect).
A romantic partner can easily view this behavior as rejection. You might turn up the charm and affection when your partner withdraws because you erroneously think that the person needs more positive attention.
In reality, the person needs some space to regain the energy to enjoy your company fully. This situation could lead to hurt feelings and arguments.
You may not understand why the person you love wants to be alone, and the introvert may resent feeling obligated to be “on” for you at all times.
How to Love an Introvert: 12 Ways to Support Your Introverted Partner
An introvert in a love relationship is a bit like a dog that can’t decide if it should bury the bone or chew on it.
Your quietly brilliant partner wants a relationship but simply can’t spend every minute with you.
The following advice should help you thrive in your relationship and avoid tension and conflict.
1. Accept That Introversion Is a Positive Trait
Don’t assume that you need to help an introvert socialize more or overcome shyness. An introvert is not necessarily shy.
Think of introverts as people who ponder before they talk. Sometimes they overthink things to the point of staying quiet.
2. Respect the Need for Alone Time
To support an introvert, make alone time part of your regular relationship routine.
This choice may feel strange to you but will grant the introverted partner the energy to engage socially with renewed enthusiasm.
3. Always Check Before Including Your Introverted Partner in Social Plans
Introverts are not always up for something. They want to consider whether or not they engage in a social activity.
Expecting your introvert partner to accompany you to a dinner party without a heads-up could be overwhelming, especially if he or she has been looking forward to a quiet evening.
4. Be Open to Compromise
You may want your beloved to be with you more often than they feel comfortable doing. Understand that you may have to let your boyfriend or girlfriend bow out of social functions gracefully.
Introverts want you to commit to an exit plan for any social event. Talk about how to balance your needs with your partner’s wishes.
5. Watch for Signs of Exhaustion or Irritability
This advice goes for any relationship because everyone has bad days. If your special someone is especially tight-lipped or grumpy, then do something thoughtful and considerate.
Allow your boyfriend or girlfriend to relax alone with a book or take a walk while you do some chores.
6. Seek Out the Introvert’s Opinion or Advice
Introverts are observant and thoughtful. They know this about themselves but rarely get the validation of being asked for their insights. And they do have insights.
You’d be surprised what you can learn by asking a quiet person something. Wouldn’t you want the perspective of a deep thinker? Asking for an opinion shows appreciation, and your partner will feel valued.
7. Pursue Deep Conversations
An introvert does not relish everyday chit-chat. Shallow small talk feels like an unnecessary use of energy.
Instead, focus on striking up engaging conversations and deep and meaningful topics your introvert enjoys. Hopefully, you share these interests.
8. Encourage Self Care
On the physiological level, introverts use more energy processing stimuli and thinking about things.
This extra mental energy expended means that they get tired easily. Allow an introvert more time to sleep or engage in relaxing hobbies alone.
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9. Plan a Quiet Date
Yes, introverts like to have fun, but sometimes their brand of fun is what other people consider boring. Depending on your partner’s taste, consider outings like kayaking, hiking, or visiting a museum.
A trip to an enormous library or bookstore could be a delight for many quiet and thoughtful people.
Whatever outing you choose, run it by your introverted partner first to ensure they are up for it.
10. Ask What the Introvert Dislikes
Introverts do not all share the same likes and dislikes. They have individual preferences, so don’t think that a quiet person necessarily loves foreign films where everyone silently reads subtitles.
Talk to your partner and learn what activities are too much and what things bring joy and fill their tank.
11. Offer the Kind of Affection They Need
How do introverts show affection? And how do they like to receive it? Some introverts are highly affectionate and crave physical touch to relieve stress and feel close to you.
Others can find too much physical affection overstimulating and prefer the comfortable silence of just being near one another.
Their way of showing affection may appear in more subtle forms like romantic gestures and wanting to spend time with you.
12. Give Them Time to Process Your Needs
A relationship requires honoring each other as much as possible. Although you want to fit into the life of an introvert who you’ve fallen in love with, you have every right to express your needs as well.
When you want something, an introvert may need some time to think about your request.
The person’s introverted nature might produce a knee-jerk negative response until he or she can work past that and decide to do something to please you.
Be patient as an introvert can come around to your perspective if given some time to remember how much you’re worth the effort.
Enjoy the Rewards of Being in Love with An Introvert
Once you master how to show love to an introvert, you’ll be rewarded with a loyal, fascinating, and engaged partner. It may take some work to get to know them because they can be private and reserved.
But like all of us, introverts want social connection and love.
Entering an introvert’s inner circle means that the person really trusts you and will be there for you in good and bad times.