Lack of sex in a relationship can ignite problems — but it’s very common!
People from Uzbekistan to the United States are texting their besties about diminished libidos and sexual droughts.
Some people don’t care and enjoy living a loving-but-celibate life.
Others, however, have more robust sexual needs and are in the market for solutions.
Thankfully, there are tried-and-tested ways to turn things around — and today, we’re unpacking it all.
(Side note: What if your spouse or partner knew exactly what to ask to draw out your deepest desires and help you calmly navigate areas of pain or conflict? Check out 201 Relationship Questions For Couples and discover incisive, fun, and profound questions to inspire mutual understanding and positive change in your relationship.)
- Frequently Asked Questions About Different Sex Drives
- Why Do I Have No Sex Drive?
- I Have No Sex Drive, and My Husband Is Mad: 13 Ways to Heal Your Intimate Connection
Frequently Asked Questions About Different Sex Drives
It’s perfectly normal to go through sexual problems in your relationship.
However, since sex is still a semi-taboo subject in 2022, there are lots of intimately uninformed people walking around — and that’s OK.
It’s not your fault you were never taught. Today, our goal is to lift the veil a bit and correct some misconceptions.
Before beginning, we should clarify that men, women, and non-binary individuals all grow frustrated about sexual discrepancies in their partnerships. And yes, some women have higher libidos than their spouses.
However, in this post, we’re focusing on male-female marriages where husbands’ sex drives outpace their wives’.
Why do men get mad if they don’t have sex?
Some men get mad when they don’t have sex — and the reasons abound. It could be as simple as a bruised ego, or it may be physiological.
After all, sex does a body good. It’s a stress reliever that floods our circulatory system with a bunch of feel-good chemicals, including epinephrine, oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin.
Sex also releases nitric acid, a vasodilator that increases blood flow, relaxes muscles, and lowers blood pressure.
So if someone is grumpy or angry due to a lack of sex, it could be because they’re deprived of their natural “mood medicine.”
What does it mean when your wife has no sex drive?
Currently, your partner has low-libido issues. It’s frustrating, but it’s not the end of the world. First, don’t jump to ominous conclusions if your wife’s sex drive is low or nonexistent at the moment.
Second, ask yourself some questions. Do you both usually have a healthy sexual appetite? If so, the present state of affairs is likely a surmountable phase.
The slowdown may be due to myriad things, including illness, mental health hurdles, and good, old-fashioned stress.
Problems in the relationship may also be to blame. Doing a personal inventory to pinpoint issues that could help the partnership heal is a good idea. Don’t focus on what your partner is doing wrong; identify areas where you could improve.
Do people get divorced due to a lack of sex?
Yes, a lack of sex is grounds for divorce. No, you can’t dissolve a marriage because your spouse refuses to have sex seven times a day — or even one.
However, the court says a complete lack of sex is reason enough to part ways. A study by the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts concludes that 43% of respondents cited incompatibility as the reason for separating, which includes sexual discordance.
Note, however, that 15% to 20% of marriages are sexless, and many couples are a-ok with that — happy even. A lack of sex isn’t always a huge problem, depending on the people.
Why Do I Have No Sex Drive?
Is your head racing with thoughts like, “I have no desire for my husband” or “Sex no longer interests me.” If so, you’re not alone, and there are solutions. But the first step is figuring out why you are going through a “dry spell.”
Typically, the reason falls into one of seven categories.
- Low Libido: Sex drive may diminish if you’re dealing with depression, hormone imbalances, low iron, or self-esteem issues — and uprooting the cause could re-fertilize your proverbial soil. Relationship dissatisfaction is another cause. Be honest with yourself — and your partner. Determine if the partnership is fulfilling your wants and needs and theirs.
- Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder: Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder is when people lose all intimate urges. Researchers estimate that it affects 8.9% of women between 18 and 44, 12.3% of women between 45 and 64, and 7.4% of women over 65.
- Sexual Dysfunction: Males aren’t the only ones who experience sexual dysfunction. Inadequate vaginal lubrication and uterine muscle problems negatively impact the sex lives of women worldwide. A tilted uterus and fibroids can also cause uncomfortable sex and painful after-intercourse pangs.
- Stress: Stress is the bane of human existence. It causes oodles of issues, including a lower libido. Financial, work, and status-anxiety stress can all put a dent in your sex life.
- Trauma: It’s been said that “the body keeps score,” meaning past traumas affect our physiology. They also impact our mental health, whether we realize it or not. Addressing the incident may be necessary to move forward.
- Body Dysmorphia: If you don’t feel comfortable in your own body, it’s difficult to maintain an active sex life. Counseling can work wonders, and some medications may help. Like breast reductions and enhancements, plastic surgery can also be an effective remedy.
- Illness: An underlying illness may cause your lowered sex drive. Get some blood work done to check up on your body.
I Have No Sex Drive, and My Husband Is Mad: 13 Ways to Heal Your Intimate Connection
A sexual dip needn’t last forever. To that end, let’s explore 13 ways to reignite an intimate connection with your husband.
1. See a Therapist, Counselor, or Coach
If your lack of sex is linked to a relationship problem, seeing a therapist is wise. When insurance won’t chip in and a traditional practitioner is too expensive, consider an online option or coach; they’re often easier on the wallet.
Self-help also works for some people — the key is doing it together and taking it seriously.
The type of counseling will depend on your situation. Some folks opt for couples counseling; others see their own therapists. Another option is booking separate appointments with the same counselor.
2. Join Online Groups
We’ve come a long way, baby! There are now online groups that support people dealing with sexual struggles.
Reddit’s Dead Bedrooms is a popular example. Talking about the issue and being in a community with folks experiencing similar setbacks can be a huge help.
3. Separate Your Bedrooms
It may sound counterintuitive, but having, in the words of Virginia Woolf, “a room of one’s own” can make all the difference. Living with another person is draining — no matter how much you love them.
Carving out a space of your own may reduce stress and help you get better sleep. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to turn things around. Besides, no rule says you can’t have sex if you have separate bedrooms.
4. Have Fun Together Outside the Bedroom
Putting too much pressure on the situation can make things more fraught. Try placing the intimacy issue on the back burner and focus on having fun together. Plan outings. Indulge in activities you both enjoy.
Hang out with friends who make you laugh. But whatever you do, don’t spend time fretting about the sexual discord in your marriage. In some cases, taking a break will get back in the saddle. A little patience can go a long way.
5. Break the Routine
Monotony has a way of zapping passion. Quenching a sexual drought may be a simple matter of breaking your routine. Consider getting a hotel room for the night. Or switch things up at your place. Change rooms, times, and positions!
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6. Go on a Trip
Travel is an excellent aphrodisiac. Heading somewhere with new sites, smells, and tastes gets our juices stirring. It’s exciting, and the stresses of quotidian life seem to melt away.
There’s a reason why “vacation love” is a rom-com staple — and there’s no rule saying you can’t fall back in lust with your spouse!
7. Get a Medical Checkup
A yearly or bi-yearly medical checkup can save your life. We often ignore signs that our body is in trouble — but tests don’t lie. It could be something minor that’s remedied with a single pill.
Or maybe you need to change your diet. And if it is something more serious, early detection can make all the difference.
8. Get Wet
Yes, get in the shower or bath together! Rub soap all over each other’s bodies, and play with one another under the water. Reignite the flame!
Wet sex is a cleaner way to get intimate during menses. Did you know that having an orgasm is a highly effective way to treat cramps? It’s like magic — better than any OTC pill.
Giving yourself a jump start can get your engine running again. If it’s been a long time since you’ve had sex, masturbating will reacquaint you with your body. For some women, it’s the perfect soft reintroduction to intimacy.
10. Experiment in Bed
In addition to breaking the routine, consider experimenting. Give role-playing a try; buy some toys; pick up a Kama Sutra. Whatever you do, shed the shame! Many — if not most — of us are raised to believe that sex is dirty and bad.
It may be presented as something good, but the underlying message is that intimacy is wrong and women who enjoy it are somehow wanting and worthy of scorn.
Forget all that nonsense. It’s perfectly acceptable to enjoy sex — so give in to your sensual side and see where it transports you.
11. Just Do It – Daily
This method doesn’t work for everyone, and couples shouldn’t try it unless both parties are willing and enthusiastic. After all, forcing someone to have sex is rape.
Caveats aside, the “forcing it” method works well for some marriages. The idea is to have intimate relations at least once a day — whether you’re in the mood or not. Many folks who test this method swear by it and credit the tactic for improving their relationship.
12. Get a Sexover
It’s not about what your man likes; do what makes YOU feel sexy! If having a hairless body makes you feel like a supermodel, get a Brazilian wax! If you love being blond or ginger, dye your hair!
Go crazy in the CVS makeup aisle. Order some sexy lingerie. A glow-up may be just what the doctor ordered.
13. Be More Tactile
Merely holding hands and touching each other frequently releases the all-mighty pleasure hormones. So start slow. Give each other massages — instead of Netflix and “chill,” aim for Netflix and cuddle! It really does get the “blood boiling.”
Don’t rush it. Be patient, and one day you may find yourself furiously ripping off each other’s clothes on the couch.
Feeling unwanted sexually in a relationship can be hurtful. But try not to take it personally. Test out some of our suggestions and discover what works best for your marriage. When both parties put in the effort, a solution will eventually present itself.