“Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears.” ~Edgar Allen Poe
As long as I can remember, my hyper-sensitivity has been a running theme in my life.
When I was a child, I could easily pick up on the subtle undercurrents going on in my house. When the mood shifted from normal to tense, I was quick to notice it and quick to try to set things right. My mom called me “the little peacemaker.”
When things did get tense or volatile in my household, I felt overwhelmed with the intensity of the negative emotions whirling around me. It made me extremely anxious, and if I couldn’t do anything to make things right again, I’d find a way to escape — through books or play or spending time with a friend.
If any of that tension or anger were specifically directed at me, I was quick to change my behavior or apologize in order to regain emotional equilibrium. I got my feelings hurt easily and was thrown off-balance when someone would say something biting to me.
I felt other positive emotions quite deeply as well. I felt intense love for my parents, became strongly attached to my friends, enjoyed hugs and physical affection, and was easily touched by moving stories, art, or music. I could sense someones’ mood or needs and instinctively knew how to pull the right groups of people together.
As I grew older and lived on my own, I discovered other interesting sensitivities. I was more sensitive than most of my friends to medication, caffeine, crowded and noisy environments, and making life changes. And my intense feelings around conflict, arguing, and violence never abated.
But also as I grew older, I learned I had to adapt to a world that wasn’t filled with equally sensitive people if I was going to thrive and be happy. I had to manage my sensitivity where appropriate and learn new skills for reacting and responding to situations that turned up my emotional juice.
Does any of this remind you of yourself — or someone close to you? If so, you aren’t alone. And you aren’t crazy or weak or “too sensitive.”
Being highly-sensitive (also known by its scientific term as SPS, Sensory-Processing Sensitivity) is a normal trait found in 15-20% of the population.
Dr. Elaine Aron is a psychologist, researcher, and pioneer in the study of the innate temperament trait of high sensitivity. She is the author of the books The Highly Sensitive Person
Dr. Aron has found that not only is high sensitivity a normal trait, it is also innate. In fact according to Dr. Aron, “biologists have found it to be in most or all animals, from fruit flies and fish to dogs, cats, horses, and primates.” However, the brains of highly sensitive people actually work a bit differently than other people’s brains. The sensitivity trait actually reflects a survival strategy of keen observation before action.
Here are some other interesting facts about highly sensitive people listed on the Highly Sensitive Person web site:
- You are more aware than others of subtleties. This is mainly because your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. So even if you wear glasses, for example, you see more than others by noticing more.
- You are also more easily overwhelmed. If you notice everything, you are naturally going to be overstimulated when things are too intense, complex, chaotic, or novel for a long time.
- This trait is not a new discovery, but it has been misunderstood. Because HSPs prefer to look before entering new situations, they are often called “shy.” But shyness is learned, not innate. In fact, 30% of HSPs are extraverts, although the trait is often mislabeled as introversion. It has also been called inhibitedness, fearfulness, or neuroticism. Some HSPs behave in these ways, but it is not innate to do so and not the basic trait.
- Sensitivity is valued differently in different cultures. In cultures where it is not valued, HSPs tend to have low self-esteem. They are told “don’t be so sensitive” so that they feel abnormal.
Some of the traits of a high sensitive person include:
- feeling easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input
- keenly aware of subtleties in my environment
- easily affected by other people’s moods
- feeling very sensitive to pain, physical or emotional
- needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place to have some privacy and relief from stimulation
- particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine
- easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells,coarse fabrics,or sirens close by
- enjoys a rich,complex inner life
- feeling uncomfortable by loud noises
- having a nervous system that sometimes feels so frazzled that you just have to go off by yourself
- highly conscientious
- easily startled
- easily rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time
- readily knows what needs to be done to make it more comfortable in a physical environment (like changing the lighting or the seating)
- quickly annoyed when people try to get you to do too many things at once
- trying hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things
- making a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows
- becoming unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around you
- reacting strong when hungry, disrupting concentration or mood
- feeling shaken up by life changes
- noticing and enjoying delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art
- finding it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once
- making it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations
- feeling bothered by intense stimuli, like loud noises or chaotic scenes
- when competing or being observed while performing a task, you become so nervous or shaky that you do much worse than you would otherwise
- as a child, being seen as sensitive or shy by parents and teachers
It was a great relief to read Dr. Aron’s research and realize that my sensitivity doesn’t make me an emotional oddball. In fact, being highly sensitive has many benefits, not the least of which is feeling the good, happy, meaningful things in life even more intently.
But we sensitive types live in a world of people who don’t necessarily understand or appreciate our strong feelings. If you are hypersensitive, here are some tips for living in a less-than-sensitive world:
1. Learn to manage the way you react to your emotions. Highly sensitive people should allow extra time for feelings to pass before reacting to what others say or do if it feels hurtful or negative. Remind yourself that what sounds harsh or hurtful to you may not have been intended this way. This is especially true in work environments where overly sensitive reactions are not often appropriate.
2. Minimize exposure to chaotic situations or people who push your buttons, create drama, or have angry or volatile temperaments.
3. Get enough sleep and exercise regularly so you are properly rested and energized to cope with emotionally charged situations and to support emotional equilibrium.
4. Avoid too much caffeine and pay attention to medications and how they affect you. Also pay attention to how certain foods, your hormones, and the weather impact your mood, as you are bound to be more sensitive during these times.
5. Eat healthy meals regularly and prevent yourself from getting too hungry. HSP’s need to keep blood sugar levels steady with a healthy diet to prevent irritable, edgy feelings.
6. Avoid or minimize your time in crowded, highly-stimulating environments like crowded malls or concerts. If necessary, visit these places in off-hours or go to smaller, less-crowded venues.
7. Don’t over-schedule your time or allow others to “steal” too much of your time. Feeling pressured and overwhelmed will flood your emotions and prevent you from getting anything done at all. Learn to say no or to delegate.
8. Practice asking for what you want. Highly emotional people are so sensitive to the needs of others that they fear asking for what they want or need because they don’t want to “cause trouble.” But your built-up resentments over this will emerge in anger or sadness eventually.
9. Create a peaceful, relaxing environment for yourself in your home and office. HSP are especially affected by their surroundings. Make sure your living space, especially your bedroom, is a relaxing, harmonious space.
10. Disengage from the negative beliefs you might have around being a sensitive person. It is hard for people who aren’t highly-sensitive to understand the deep emotions and reactions of their sensitive friends or family members. You can teach the people in your life that being sensitive isn’t a flaw — it can be an amazing gift allowing you to experience life at a very profound level.
If you have a highly sensitive person in your life, simply recognizing how this trait is part of HSP’s genetic make-up will help you understand why they respond the way they do.
You can enhance your relationship with your sensitive spouse, child, or friend by supporting their efforts to create an environment that isn’t over-stimulating, and by being cognizant of the intensity of their feelings.
In general, hyper-sensitive people will be quite responsive to your moods and needs. But eventually this responsiveness drains their energy. Frequently ask the sensitive person what they need from you and be proactive in meeting their needs so they feel heard and respected.
Are you a highly sensitive person or do you have someone close to you who is? What has been your experience and how have you handled any issues that have arisen as a result?
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Barrie- as I was reading this I felt you were talking exactly about me!! Thank you for sharing this, it all came together for me as I was reading. I have unconsciously realized this and made a lot of those changes, but to see it documented here all in one spot, and to realize what it is will help me going forward immensely!
Hi Jenna,
It is a relief to see this info, isn’t it? I’m so glad it came to you at the right time. Embrace your sensitivity. It makes you special and unique.
Thanks for the article, Barrie! Do you have any suggestions as far as career choices that may be a great fit for HSPs?
I was wondering the same thing. How can I use this quality that I see in myself now, to help me along on my road to discovering my true passion?
Hi JJ,
I just Googled “careers for highly sensitive people,” and a lot of info came up. I haven’t done any specific research on it, but you might Google it too. I would imagine that work and work environments that are chaos-free and not over-stimulating would be ideal. Of course, that’s not always possible. Working independently is great because you can control your environment and interactions.
This article was like finding a hidden treasure! I have worked in the wrong profession for over 15 years. I’ve been laid off or quit before being fired more than I can count. After reading this, and looking back all the way to childhood combining my personality type with career choice has made for bad choices. I’m 40 years old and a single mom with a child in college. Now I need to figure out, practically what practically I do?
Hi Charlotte,
I am so glad you figured it out! Better late than never, right? Although it will continue to be hard to find the best fit when most of the world isn’t as sensitive. You will have to learn coping skills and how to adapt in certain situations. Check out my other site, http://www.barriedavenport.com, to learn more about figuring out what to do and how to find your passion.
Wow. This is a wonderful post. Beautifully articulated. I can ABSOLUTELY see myself in this. Although I’ve recognized some of the characteristics mentioned in myself and made appropriate adjustments, seeing it as a trait enables me to realize this may have impacted heavily on my tendency to isolate myself, which is something I’m working on now. I always wrote it off to certain experiences in my past or the fact that I lean much more toward introversion. This has me thinking there’s more to it and wanting to look deeper into this subject. Defintely a lot of food for thought here, Barrie. Thanks for your efforts!
probably ome to some realizations on my own on the characteristics of an HSP and made appropriate ‘adjustments’, it reached some of these realizations already, this really helped me to appreciate why I have
Hi Brian,
I’m so glad the post resonated with you. I would imagine that many introverts are also HSP’s. There is a great book out called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. I saw the author speak, and it was a fascinating topic. You might check it out.
Brian said:
“Although I’ve recognized some of the characteristics mentioned in myself and made appropriate adjustments, seeing it as a trait enables me to realize this may have impacted heavily on my tendency to isolate myself, which is something I’m working on now. I always wrote it off to certain experiences in my past or the fact that I lean much more toward introversion. This has me thinking there’s more to it and wanting to look deeper into this subject. Defintely a lot of food for thought here, Barrie. Thanks for your efforts!”
YES! This.
Barrie, this is my first visit to your blog. I followed a link that was shared on Facebook. Thank you very much for putting this post together. It has really helped me understand more about myself. A lot of these traits are things that I knew about myself, but not necessarily things I understood. I’ve been accused of being overly sensitive and walled off. I’ve had people come into my life who claimed to love me and then want to help “fix” me (I’ve been through some very challenging circumstances, and so a layperson actually tried to convince me that they saw signs/symptoms of PTSD in me) because it’s not normal to be so protective of my tender heart. I see now that it’s more likely that I am a person with HSP, and that I’m really okay. The challenge for me is to find a good balance between spending time with people and being isolated. Most of the time, I prefer solitude because it’s just more peaceful. Now, I think I have a better understanding why this may be!
Thank you for sharing this information – it has truly helped me.
All the best to you!
Holy buckets. Light bulb! This is exactly what I have been struggling with all my life, and has been extra-difficult recently due to many factors including a medication causing withdrawal effects that my doctor has only seen in 1 other patient. Thank you for this — it gives me much-needed hope that I can develop some coping skills and help my partner understand what I am going through. Maybe I can make it through this rough patch after all.
Hi Amy,
I’m so glad you had that “ah ha” moment! Reading this info did the same for me. You WILL get through this rough patch. Don’t get discourage, and keep seeing your doc and explain some of these things to him if necessary.
For a very long time, I felt ashamed of myself for being “too sensitive.” Throughout my childhood, this term was used like a weapon. I was admonished for expressing my feelings to the point that I shut them down. After a traumatic experience, I went into a deep depression since I did not have the ability or freedom to express my pain. Having had family who did not (or could not) appreciate or accept this quality, I have experienced strained relationships and self esteem issues for many years. Only now, after having discovered and researched being a highly sensitive person, I am able to start accepting, and valuing, this rich and vibrant quality within myself. I need to continue working on loving this part of myself and practicing strategies that help me cope, and thrive, in this often insensitive world. Thank you for this article! More follow up information would be greatly appreciated!
Hi Carrie,
Thank you so much for sharing your personal story here. I am so sorry for the experiences you had to endure. But I’m so happy you are learning more about yourself and learning to value the gifts that come with being sensitive. Keep on working on it. It’s a journey as you know. And yes, I’ll write again on the subject.
Communicating issues is not always being over-sensitive. Spending time with people who are respectful has to balance out time with those who don’t respect boundaries to keep life/emotions more peaceful . True, better control of my reactions is something to master as well as not dweling on negative conversations. How do you suggest presenting boundaries?
Hi Jean,
I agree, communicating issues isn’t being overly-sensitive. In fact, I think it is a very emotionally mature thing to do. Regarding boundaries, here’s a post I wrote that might help:
http://liveboldandbloom.com/08/relationships/want-to-boost-your-self-esteem-10-ways-to-establish-personal-boundaries
This was fascinating, as promised! So well done as usual. Does it make sense that sometimes, in some of my life circumstances, I’m highly sensitive (some of those traits definitely apply to me) and sometimes I’m not? That probably does really make me an oddball huh?
No wonder I’m a mess!
Jodi,
I think sensitive people sometimes have to “freeze” their emotions in order to protect themselves. Especially if they’ve been wounded in the past. You aren’t an oddball, I promise!
Yay! I’m not alone. I’ve had a lot of people feel like I’m downright crazy because of this trait. I’m slowly but surely learning how to manage it, but–it’s also a strength. A lot of times being “tuned in” has been incredibly helpful, too.
Carmen Rane Hudson recently posted…Cold Calling Challenge Days 3 & 4
You are definitely not alone Carmen! I think there are forums and websites devoted to HSP’s. I agree, it is a strength. We are able to tune in to moods and feelings much better than most. And we feel beauty and love so deeply. I’m thrilled to have those abilities.
Gosh Barrie….It seems you have struck a cord with fellow HSP’s through your sharing of these thoughts and information.
My experience is similar to Carrie’s in that my childhood is riddled with examples of being ridiculed or in some cases specifically targeted (such as being sneaked up on because I startled so extremely). It certainly was not a trait that I valued and in fact, my self esteem and confidence suffered a great deal as I sought to deal with a volatile environment, minimise stress and seek isolation. It all felt extremely overwhelming and distressing and I felt like such a misfit in a world that seemed not to feel the way I did.
As an adult, I have more understanding of my HSP traits and I’m a little kinder to myself as I make allowance for them in my life. The underlying shame of not being able to deal as well as I’d like to with certain situations still lingers though. I am however working on accepting these sensitivities and your article has – as Brian commented earlier- provided great food for thought in how I can do even more than this…and consider instead the inherent gift that these qualities might bring to the lives of others once I fully embrace them.
Thanks as always Barrie. You are so often a lighthouse for me and for many others too I am certain.
Thanks as always Barrie.
Hi Shaleen,
It is so validating to see that being sensitive isn’t a weakness but simply on the spectrum of personality traits. We just need to find ways to protect ourselves a bit more and learn to adapt in a world full of people who aren’t as sensitive. Finding like-minded people is a great way to boost self-esteem, as you see you definitely aren’t alone. This post has attracted a lot of attention, so there are many HSP’s out there!
i am so glad that i got to hear all this wonderful ideas about life.
I am too Merry! Thanks for coming by.
I’m a sensitive person, maybe not too sensitive but still I know this trait of character.
Thanks Barrie for your interesting article and for very useful tips. I think they will be of great help for too sensitive people and not only for them.
Hi Roman,
I’m so glad you found it useful. So nice to see you here!
“Because HSPs prefer to look before entering new situations, they are often called “shy.””
My wife has been called shy, and others mistake this for a weakness. I tend to think that there are very few genuine weaknesses, only misapplied strengths.
Aaron Black recently posted…The 4th Intelligence – Spiritual Intelligence
What an interesting idea Aaron — about misapplied strengths. Or perhaps strengths we haven’t fully explored or utilized. I don’t think shyness is a weakness. One could say being overpowering or overly-confident is a weakness. Even though in our culture it is praised as a strength. We are all simply wired differently, and part of loving and appreciating one another is embracing this fact.
Hi Aaron,
I also do not agree that shyness is a weakness. Those people are wrong thinking like that! I totally agree with you.
Roman Soluk recently posted…7 Things to Get Rid of Immediately
This describes me exactly. I always knew that the word introvert did not fit but on the list of qualities you describe, 2/3 of them fit! Nice post. Thank you.
Isn’t it a relief to discover that about yourself Kelly? And that it is perfectly OK to be sensitive? So glad it resonated with you!
Thank you – I feel like the missing lines have been drawn to make a complete circle.
Your account of your childhood is similar to mine …. I had a very emotionally immature mother who was moody and unpredictable. I lived in fear of her wrath and as the eldest child often bore the brunt of it. My parents marriage was difficult with frequent arguments periods of stalemate with non communication and a terrible atmosphere permeating every part of our home.
My younger brother and sister have grown up and have wonderful marriages and families. They always seemed to cope better than me. I however was so hyper sensitive to what was going on, picking up on every nuance and feeling tortured. I was always told off for being so sensitive. I did not seem able to put up the barriers that my siblings did. I felt emotionally involved in every argument even though I was just a child and it was between my parents and not me. I tried to lose myself in reading and became a terribly quiet and withdrawn child even though I do not think I am necessarily shy. I am 46 and have never married or had children although I have had some long term relationships with lovely men.
I am hyper sensitive to everything, cry when I watch anything sad on TV, get moved to tears by beggars or seeing old people in the street, overreact as i feel incredibly angry by injustices, I can almost hardly bear to watch the news on TV sometimes as it upsets me too much. I have to have certain colours in my environment, am sensitive to music that is not exactly in tune with my current feelings, have never needed to take drugs at dance parties as the music has always been enough to create such an incredible high. In fact,I cannot drink caffeine at all and have never taken drugs or wanted to as it would scare the life out of me to have any more feelings!
Recently I went to Bali on holiday. I came back and said to my friends that after two days I wanted to sit in a white room with no noise or anything to look at. It was complete sensory overload – too much beauty for me to take in! I am very very visual and could not look at everything – my brain felt like it was going haywire.
I find I see so much more than other people. I notice details and see things other people don’t pick up in every glance. I also pick up on so many subtleties in people’s conversations.
I am a teacher – it brought me out of my shell. But it also overloads me and I literally have to be on my own for hours at the end of the day to balance out the stress I have from dealing with my large classes. In holidays I have to travel on my own. Being on my own is when I am happiest and can ground myself again.
Thank you for showing me that I am not so wierd or unusual!
I will read more about this – and continue to meditate and run on the beach. I could not live without these things!
Hi Jane,
Your personal story is very compelling, and I know you must have suffered over the years with your hyper-sensitivity. I am so glad you are finding ways to manage it, as well as to come out of your shell through teaching. That is so important — to find people and situations where you are respected and understood for your sensitive nature. Of course exercise and meditation are great ways to work through feelings — as well as talking with people who understand and empathize with you.
Sometimes being sensitive or react to thing out is both good & bad, as we voice and shows our reaction towards something instead of hide it inside of us.
On the other hand, a sensitive person that is close to me, tends to enlarge every minor problems and over-react on it, which bothers me. Sensitive people really need self control.
JJ Wong recently posted…Life Quotes
You are so right JJ. Sensitive people, like all people, need to learn the appropriate times and places to express their feelings. And they need to learn coping skills and discernment about what is and isn’t worth getting upset about. Just as less-sensitive people need to learn how to pick up on cues from their sensitive friends and be more responsive and understanding. When we understand each other and what motivates us, then we can learn how to accommodate the personality traits in ourselves and others.
Yup, there’re too many types of people in this world, whether sensative people, non-sensative, ego, angry, cheerful, evil and many more. Most important thing is to be true to ourself and other people around us, learn to accommodate the personality traits in ourselves and others.
We can’t please everyone, just be ourself and people that love us will be with us, walking a great life journey.
JJ Wong recently posted…Stupid Quotes