A new relationship is intoxicating.
There is such intensity around the other person that we become psychologically and biologically smitten.
Hormones and other brain chemicals are released, ensuring that you will be blissfully happy and a bit stressed at the start.
You spend long nights talking and hours in each other's company.
But time erodes all things.
Life challenges and personality quirks emerge, and eventually, you wonder, am I settling in my relationship?
What Does It Mean to Settle in a Relationship?
But how to know if you are settling? At its most basic level, settling means there is a difference in compatibility.
It may not be that you are 100% compatible, your partner may check some of the boxes, but your most profound wants, needs, and desires still need to be met.
It often means being with someone out of fear or previous relationship issues.
When you settle, there is usually a general sense of restlessness or unhappiness as your inner voice insists that something is wrong.
It is just a question of whether or not you will listen and recognize the signs.
So how to know if you are settling? Isn't this just how all longer relationships work?
Maybe, but there are also signs that you may be settling in your relationship.
- You look for reasons to be annoyed.
- You feel resentful.
- You are waiting for a commitment.
- Your self-worth has diminished.
- You feel like you are wasting your life.
- You subtly sabotage your connection.
Why Do People Settle in a Relationship?
Finding a mate is both biological and socially driven. In many cultures, there is a strong and pervasive pressure to marry.
And those that remain single are somewhat ostracized. In this environment, it is common to do whatever it takes to stay coupled.
But there is more at work in settling in a relationship. In youth, everyone expected the perfect mate, the prince, princess, or millionaire.
But life interferes, and dreams and values become compromised. People accept their fate. Eventually, believing they deserve who and what they get, they accept the first person who shows interest.
We all have things we prefer, but most are not deal-breakers in relationships. If someone has brown eyes instead of blue or loses their job, their hair turns grey, or they gain a few pounds, these are not reasons to believe you’re settling.
Settling means letting go of things important to who you are and allowing your inner self to be compromised.
Unfortunately, society, Hollywood, family, and friends have blurred many of the tenants surrounding relationships until being unhappy, or at least not as happy as you could be, is an acceptable fate.
But what are the reasons people start settling for someone in a relationship? When you're reaching for reasons to justify staying with a partner, that's a big red flag.
1. Fear of Being Alone
Being single is hard. Many choose to remain in a relationship because of a fear of what others will think.
They may not want to risk losing their status in their family as a partnered person. Or they need to stave off loneliness at any cost. The pain of being alone is worse than the pain of being with the wrong person.
2. Relationships Are Hard Work
Relationships are hard. They take effort and a willingness to open our hearts and communicate our feelings, thoughts, and dreams.
But sometimes, our partners are not interested, which clearly signifies we are in an incompatible relationship. However, if you choose to remain in such a relationship because being miserable is easier, there are more than a few things wrong.
3. Pressure to Make the Relationship Work
Children are the primary reason people remain in relationships. Although it’s changing, the stigma of divorce remains a deterrent in many circles.
And the financial and social difficulties of a single-parent household are all too real.
4. It’s Just a Rough Patch
Couples argue. And yes, one partner may banish the other to the couch for the night. Couples may even need their own space for a day or weekend.
But when these difficulties become a constant occurrence, this may signify a larger problem in the relationship.
5. Things Change in the Dynamic
Sometimes little things change. But it takes willingness and an enormous amount of effort to change the fundamentals of a person's personality.
If you accept an unhappy situation, waiting for a partner to change without effort and communication, you may be there a very long time.
Final Thoughts
Settling should never be an option. Yes, sometimes a bad relationship sneaks up on us, but there are usually signs. And everyone has a slightly different breaking point. But if you know your boundaries and value yourself, imagine the possibilities.