75 Of The Best Questions For Couples To Build Closeness
In a recent survey of my blog subscribers, I asked them to share the number one challenge they experienced in their love relationship.
I'm sure you can guess what the vast majority of the respondents said — communication.
No matter how good your marriage or relationship might be, communication difficulties can erode your closeness and create misunderstandings and conflict that aren't necessary.
The most successful and lasting relationships require mindful communication before a conflict ever arises.
As uncomfortable or awkward as it might feel at first, meeting regularly with your spouse or partner to ask questions and learn more about each other safeguards your relationship from painful conflicts.
The deep conversations these questions foster also will create a new level of intimacy between you.
Questioning is a powerful tool for mutual understanding. I use probing questions as a personal coach to help clients uncover their deeper desires, needs, and fears.
A strong question prompts us to search within to uncover the answer, leading to profound moments of self-awareness and inner growth.
Within a love relationship, mutual questioning provides these same benefits, but also it allows each partner to participate in the awareness and growth of the other.
More important, by actively listening to your partner's responses without judgment or defensiveness, you understand more about his or her motivations, fears, pain, longings, and frustrations.
You offer each other a safe way to be open and authentic, ultimately drawing you closer together and strengthening the bond of love between you.
If you are new to mutual questioning in your relationship, you may not know what kind of questions to ask each other.
I recommend beginning with questions that relate to any issues or common conflicts you experience in your relationship. Of course, those questions will be different for each couple.
So I've pulled some questions from my book, 201 Relationship Questions: The Couple's Guide to Building Trust and Emotional Intimacy, that are useful for enhancing any relationship, as well as some additional questions to spark conversation.
Here are 75 questions for couples to enhance love and intimacy:
Deep Questions for Couples
These questions are designed to help you strengthen your relationship, improve communication, and build trust.
1. What actions and behaviors can I take that feel the most loving to you?
You may have heard of the book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, by Gary Chapman.
In the book, Chapman describes five ways couples typically prefer to show and receive love: 1) words of affirmation; 2) acts of service; 3) receiving gifts; 4) quality time; and 5) physical touch.
As you ask this question of each other, discuss your own love language and how you would like your partner to offer love to you through your primary and secondary love language.
Discuss specific behaviors and actions that make you feel loved, cherished, and respected.
If you aren't sure what your love language is, you can take Gary Chapman's quiz to help you.
2. What could I say or do that feels unloving to you?
There are the obvious words and actions that you both know are unloving, such as unkindness, criticism, dishonesty, and indifference.
But there are times we say or do things unknowingly that cause hurt and anger in our partner.
We might trigger old wounds from the past or cross a boundary we were unaware of. What you assume is innocent teasing might feel like a real sting to your spouse.
Read Related: 30 Powerful Getting To Know You Questions
Your need to spend time alone might feel like abandonment to your partner.
Share with each other what your partner might do now or in the future to make you feel unloved. Discuss how to make a change in those behaviors.
3. How can we revive our love and intimacy when things get boring or distant?
Boredom and disconnection can often creep up on a couple. You wake up one day, and it feels like the spark is dimming and the relationship is flatlining.
Life for most couples is busy with work, children, and other distractions. You begin to spend less time together, communicate less often, and harbor frustrations and resentments that stifle intimacy.
Maybe you feel some of this now with your partner. But even if you don't, you need to insulate your relationship from the creeping poison of apathy.
Discuss together any signs of distance or boredom developing in your relationship. Brainstorm ways the two of you can reconnect should this happen.
4. What makes you feel respected in our relationship?
Respect is “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements,” according to the Oxford Dictionary.
When your partner shows you respect, you feel appreciated and acknowledged. You know your essential worthiness is recognized.
Read Related: 25 Questions To Ask People To Draw Them Out
All of us desire to be respected by the most important person in our lives — the person whose good opinion and high regard are so deeply important to us.
However, the feeling of being respected by your partner is different for every individual.
What makes you feel respected might not be the same as what your partner needs to feel respected. Discuss your mutual needs related to respect and how you can show each other the kind of respect you need.
5. How should I communicate a problem or concern to you?
Talking about conflict or difficult topics isn't fun, but these challenging conversations are inevitable in your relationship.
Whether the problem has something to do with a complaint about your partner, or it’s a challenge you must face together, these uncomfortable conversations can stir up a whirlwind of negative emotions.
When you are overwhelmed with these emotions, it's easy to get defensive or angry with your partner. But this is never a productive way to deal with an already painful situation.
Talk about how each of you tends to react when discussing difficult information. How can your partner present the information so you can respond with a clear head and kind words?
6. Am I listening to you in a way that makes you feel completely heard?
Really listening to someone requires much more than simply hearing words.
Active listening is the kind of listening couples should practice with each other as much as possible.
Read Related: Relationship Questions to Ask For Intimacy
This kind of empathic listening involves giving your full attention to your partner, without allowing distractions or interruptions.
To make your partner feel heard, you can reflect back to him or her what you have heard them say and how you think they feel.
Ask each other if you feel heard and understood by the other. Where do you both need to improve in your listening skills? What changes do you need to make in order to give your partner what he or she needs related to feeling heard?
7. What are your deepest emotional needs?
Every one of us has unique emotional needs.
We want to feel loved and to offer love to others. We want to have a sense of purpose, to feel self-esteem, and to express creativity. We desire respect and honesty from others.
These are some common needs, but each individual has emotional needs that are unique to them.
In a loving, intimate relationship, both partners recognize and support the other person's emotional needs. Although you can't meet all of your partner's needs, each partner strives to respond to the other person's needs in a kind and loving way.
You can find a list of needs here to help you define your own. Share your primary emotional needs with your partner and how your partner can help you get those needs met.
8. What words should I never say to you even in playfulness?
There are some words that cross the line for acceptable language in your mind. We all have our own boundaries for what that line might be.
Some playful name-calling might be perfectly acceptable to you, but other names are deeply wounding.
There might be certain words you find so demeaning that you simply don’t want to hear them, even in jest—and never in anger.
Saying words like, “I hate you” or “Maybe we should divorce,” even in the heat of anger, might be off-limits for both of you in order to preserve the trust and closeness of your connection.
Discuss any out-of-bounds words and phrases that you both find hurtful and offensive. How can you both honor each other’s requests related to these words?
9. Is there anything about our sex life that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable?
Openly discussing differences in sexual desires or needs can be challenging. This is particularly true if your sex drives are different, or if you're uncomfortable with something your partner is doing or saying during sex.
If you aren’t sexually compatible, it impacts the emotional intimacy in your relationship, as well as your sexual intimacy.
Only by opening up and discussing your sexual desires and needs can you find a middle ground that feels acceptable and comfortable to each partner.
Create a safe, loving, caring space between the two of you to talk about your feelings related to your sex life.
You both might need to compromise at times in order to meet the needs of your partner. Or you might find that you both desire the same thing, but you just haven't communicated it to one another.
Allow your love for each other to be the guiding force as you seek to create a satisfying and comfortable sex life.
10. What activities can we share together that will bring us closer?
Intimacy develops between the two of you when you spend time together doing things that are fun and engaging.
Maybe you don't share all the same interests, but you can develop mutual interests that bring you even closer as a couple.
Many psychologists suggest reading together, even reading different books, can bring you closer together.
But any interesting and fun activity that involves cooperation and shared experience will tighten your bond.
Fun and play between the two of you can be a cure for boredom and disconnection. Discuss some mutual interests or new activities you can try together. Here are ideas for summer and winter fun activities.
Asking probing questions is a great way to learn more about your partner and yourself. It can strengthen your relationship and allow you to come up with creative and loving solutions to any challenges you might be facing as a couple.
Remember, both partners need to enter the practice of mutual questioning with an open heart and mind, putting the health of the relationship ahead of individual complaints or concerns.
Consider the time you spend together asking and answering questions as a sacred time which is an investment in the long-term happiness and health of your relationship.
11. What should we do if one of us changes our spiritual or religious views?
If you've been together as a couple for a while, you've likely discussed your views on religion. Hopefully, you are in sync about your views or least have a respect for one another's spiritual practices and beliefs.
However, people can change their beliefs and practices over time. One of you might become more or less religious or adopt beliefs that are contrary to your partner's beliefs.
One of you might feel uncomfortable with this change in the other or feel betrayed by the other for no longer sharing a faith you once had in common.
Thinking ahead about this possibility can help prepare you if the situation arises.
12. What should we do if one or both of us gets really angry during a conflict?
Conflict is a normal and positive part of any relationship. It allows you to express your views and work together to find solutions and reach compromise.
But too often conflict turns to anger and resentment. Anger can boil over into criticism, defensiveness, and hurtful behaviors.
In the heat of the moment, you lose the ability to work out your conflict in a healthy and productive way.
What should you do as a couple if anger arises during a conflict? How can you prevent it from undermining your ability to find solutions?
13. How much time should we spend with our parents and extended family?
Both of you have parents and extended family that require some of your time and attention. But how much time and attention?
You may love spending time with your own family but find your in-laws tedious or unpleasant. One of you might enjoy spending holidays with extended family while the other prefers to spend them with your partner and kids.
Discuss how much time each of you wants to spend with extended family and how to reach a compromise if your wishes differ.
14. What are some ways that we can grow together as a couple?
In order for your relationship to thrive and evolve as long as you are together, you must continue to work on it and find ways to grow and change together.
How can you continue to nurture your relationship and adapt to the inevitable changes that occur with the passage of time?
15. What childhood wounds can I help you heal and how?
We all have pain and sometimes even trauma from our childhoods that impact how we relate to our partners.
Childhood wounds can be triggered by certain behaviors, words, and attitudes of your partner, and he or she may have no idea why you react to them.
Being open and vulnerable with your partner about past wounds and trauma and asking for the kind of support and understanding you need fosters a deeper bond between the two of you.
You both must feel safe with each other and show compassion and empathy for each other's pain.
Read Related: 31 Unhealthy Signs of a Dysfunctional Family
16. What are the “hot button” issues or topics that trigger anger, pain, or resentment in you?
Beyond our childhood wounds, we all have “hot button” issues that can make us react. Sometimes we don't realize that these issues are triggering us until our partner points out our reactions.
Take some time to think about the situations with your partner that triggered anger or pain. Try to figure out the root cause and explain it to your partner.
What can you both do to help heal the issue and avoid the triggering topic?
17. How can I best support you when you are feeling sad, worried, or depressed?
We all have days or weeks when we don't feel our best mentally and emotionally. There may be an obvious reason for these feelings, but sometimes we don't know exactly why we feel off.
What do you most need from your partner when you are feeling this way? What might your partner say or do that can make you feel worse?
18. What are your dreams and goals for yourself in the next ten years?
Part of supporting your relationship includes supporting one another's personal goals and dreams.
Even if your dreams seem far-fetched or too disruptive to your life right now, share them with your partner. Talk together about these ideas and brainstorm ways to make them happen.
Ask one another how you can best support the other's goals in a way that enhances your relationship.
19. In what area do you think our relationship needs the most improvement and why?
Even the best marriages and relationships have areas that need improvement. With every positive change you make, your intimacy and bond will grow stronger, and you'll be a happier couple.
Discuss the areas you both think need some attention and the action steps you can take to address these issues.
20. Do you think we prioritize our relationship over everything else (kids, work, money, extended family, hobbies, etc.)? If not, how can we improve this?
Your love relationship should be the centerpiece of your life. Your spouse or partner should be number one, above all other people and responsibilities.
The health of your relationship impacts every other area of your life, and if you aren't prioritizing it, you are compromising your happiness, productivity, and peace of mind.
What are you putting ahead of your marriage or relationship? What needs to change and how can you implement change?
Romantic Questions for Couples
With these questions, you and your partner will rekindle your romantic feelings for each other.
21. When did you first realize you were in love with me?
Talking about the time when you first realized you were falling in love is a great way to rekindle the romance between the two of you.
Share with one another the feelings you had when you first fell in love and what made you realize you were in love with your partner.
22. What do you consider the perfect romantic evening or day?
A huge factor in keeping your love alive is spending quality time with one another. This means making the time to go on dates and spend the day together doing something fun and romantic.
Share with each other your ideas about the perfect date for the evening or afternoon.
23. In what ways do I make you a better man/woman?
In a healthy, happy relationship, our partners inspire us, challenge us, and motivate us to be better people.
Talking about the ways you both improve one another will reinforce your love and give you both a romantic boost.
24. What would be the perfect romantic getaway for just the two of us?
Traveling together without kids, friends, or extended family is the best way to rekindle the spark and cement your loving bond.
What romantic, stress-free, and fun destination would entice you to make a reservation today?
25. What can I say to you that feels romantic to you?
The words you speak to one another have tremendous power to bring you closer together and make you feel adored and cherished.
Share with each other the words you most enjoy hearing from the other that feel romantic, exciting, and loving.
26. What romantic gestures do you like?
Beyond words, romantic gestures communicate your feelings of love and tenderness toward your partner.
But these gestures must be actions that your partner views as romantic. If you offer your partner flowers, but he or she doesn't care about flowers, that might not seem like a loving gesture.
Tell each other the type of romantic gestures you prefer and try to remember those preferences when the time comes to offer them.
27. What is the perfect romantic gift?
For birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and “just because” what type of gifts do you both prefer?
You may think you have the perfect gift ideas for your spouse, but he or she may have something different in mind.
Part of the romance is taking the time to find this out.
28. What do you love most about me and why?
When your partner innumerates all of the things he or she loves about you, it feels amazing.
Knowing that this special person in your life feels so strongly about you and your qualities makes you love him or her all the more.
29. What are your best memories of us as a couple?
You've had many amazing memories together as a couple, and some of them have been passionate, exciting, adventurous, or wonderfully cozy.
Boost your romance by reliving these memories and sharing your thoughts about them.
30. How can we keep our romance alive over the years to come?
Romance tends to fade over the years as you become more familiar and your lives get busier. But you don't have to allow the spark to fade.
Yes, you will have to work on keeping romance alive, but with a little effort and attention, you can maintain it and become even more creative in your romantic expressions.
Read Related: 10 Of The Best Relationship Goals To Nurture Intimacy
31. What kind of affection and touch makes you feel the most loved?
Non-sexual touch is such an important part of your emotional intimacy. How much affection do you both prefer, and what kind of touch makes you feel loved?
Offer one another the kind of touch you each prefer, even if it differs from your preferences.
32. What is going on in our lives that prevents us from feeling romantic and what can we do about them?
Between your jobs, children, obligations, and household responsibilities, you may have little time left for romance.
What is getting in the way of spending romantic time together or offering romantic gestures? What can you do about it?
33. What makes you feel really close to me?
Sometimes we feel particularly close and connected to our partners and have a surge of love and affection for them.
Talk about the times you both feel this closeness and what triggers these feelings.
34. How should I let you know that I need more romance from you?
If one of you is feeling romantically neglected, you need to talk about this issue before it builds resentment and hurt feelings.
How can you best communicate this need to your partner without wounding him or her?
35. How should we handle it if one of us needs more romantic gestures than the other?
In fact, one of you may require more romantic gestures and expressions than the other. One of you may long for a romantic getaway, but the other isn't that interested.
How can you reach consensus and work to meet each other's needs when it comes to romance?
36. What kind of surprises do you like?
Surprise gestures add an element of excitement and novelty to your lives and can spark romantic feelings between you.
But not all surprises are equal. Your spouse may hate surprise birthday parties but love a surprise evening out together. Find out what type of surprises are most appreciated.
37. When do you find me the most attractive?
You and your partner were attracted to each other when you first met, but what is it now that makes your partner so attractive to you?
Go beyond the physical qualities you love and share the other unique personality and character qualities that you respect and adore about your partner.
38. How can we have more fun together?
When you've been together for a long time, life can become boring and serious. You stop doing fun, romantic things together. You stop being playful and laughing together.
Part of keeping your romance alive is finding ways to have fun and keep humor and playfulness in your daily lives.
39. How often do you want me to tell you, “I love you.”
Some people need to hear those three words several times a day. Others can hear them on occasion and not feel slighted in the least.
Be honest with one another about how often you prefer to hear those words.
40. What are your memories of our first kiss?
It's hard to forget the first kiss you shared as a couple, whether it occurred a year ago or fifty years ago.
The thrill of that first kiss doesn't have to fade entirely. You can keep it alive by revisiting it every now and then, both by talking about it and re-enacting it!
Intimate Questions for Couples
These questions will help you explore what is working in your sex life and what you can improve for more intimacy and enjoyment.
41. How do you like me to initiate sex?
Talk together about how you both prefer to initiate sex. Should you each initiate equally, or do you prefer one or the other to take the lead?
What words or actions should you use to set the mood?
42. What kind of foreplay do you prefer?
Foreplay is an important part of satisfying sex and helps build emotional intimacy.
Talk about the kind of foreplay that feels good and brings you closer during a sexual encounter.
43. Should we change up our foreplay? How often?
Have you developed a routine around foreplay? Do you need to change it up to build the excitement?
Brainstorm new ideas for arousing each other and showing tenderness and love.
44. Do you have sexual fantasies that you haven't shared but would like to?
If you've been too shy or uncomfortable to share your sexual fantasies, you may be surprised at how receptive your partner is.
If you partner shares something you don't want to try, don't share or criticize. Just say that you aren't comfortable with the idea.
45. Do you enjoy sex toys or would you like to try them?
Sex toys can add a creative new element of fun to your sex life.
Talk about the kinds of sex toys you might want to try. Look online together to see what's available.
46. What words, gestures, and touch feel erotic and exciting to you?
Get specific and detailed with each other about what arouses you and builds the excitement before and during sex.
Let your partner know exactly what you like and how he or she can please you.
47. What can we do in between sexual encounters to keep the sexual energy alive between us?
Anticipating and sexual energy between a couple can make your sex life more intense and exciting.
What can you do to build that excitement in the days and hours leading up to sex?
48. How often do you want to have sex?
Are you a daily, thrice weekly, once a week, or every couple of weeks person? Not everyone has the same sexual needs.
Let your partner what your ideal is and why.
49. How much cuddling do you need after sex?
Do you prefer a quick hug and kiss after sex, or do you like to cuddle together for an hour or so? Is cuddling an important part of the sexual encounter for you?
Discuss how much you both need and how you can reach a compromise if this differs.
50. What is off-base completely when it comes to our sexual activity?
For one or both of you, some types of sexual activity make you uncomfortable, or you just don't enjoy them.
Have you communicated with each other what you don't like and consider overstepping your personal boundaries?
51. Would you like to make love outside of our bedroom? If so, where?
Variety is the spice of life — and of healthy, fulfilling intimacy. The bedroom is fine, but are there other locations for sex that might be fun?
You can spice up your sex life just by talking about ideas for your sexcapades.
52. In what ways has our sex life gotten boring and how can we improve it?
You have to be proactive and creative to prevent your sex life from getting routine.
It's hard to admit to one another that you feel bored with sex, but talking about this issue can make you closer and make sex much more enjoyable.
Read Related: 15 of the Most Glaring Reasons Your Sex Life is Boring
53. How much talking to do you prefer before, during, and after sex?
Do you prefer complete silence during your sexual encounters, or do you like to talk and share what you want and what feels good?
Does your partner's silence or preference for talking during sex bother you? Speak openly with each other about your desires when it comes to talking during sex.
54. What would you like me to wear before and during sex?
You can build the anticipation for your sexual encounters by wearing something that your partner finds sexy.
Look online and find something you'd like your partner to wear, and send him or her the link. Or better yet, surprise your partner with a gift of something fun to wear.
55. Is there anything happening in our relationship that is impacting our sex life? If so, how can we address it?
If you are dealing with stress, a conflict between the two of you, or some other difficult life event, your sex life will surely be impacted.
Talk about what is going on in your lives that might undermine your sex life and how you can address these issues so they don't continue to dampen your desires.
56. What part of my body turns you on the most?
Just sharing this with one another adds excitement and anticipation.
57. How does our sex life make us closer as a couple?
Talk about the ways your physical intimacy enhances your emotional intimacy. How does making love make you feel about your partner and your relationship?
What else could you do related to your sexual encounters to bring you closer as a couple?
58. Do you have any hang-ups about sex that you can share with me?
We carry the baggage from our childhoods and past relationships into our current relationships — and into our attitudes and feelings about sex.
Do either of you feel shame, discomfort, or repressed about any aspect of your sex life? Talk about these feelings and be gentle and accepting of each other as you share your vulnerabilities.
59. What should we do if one of us wants more sex than the other?
Couples can have different sexual needs, and one of you may want sex more often than the other. That doesn't make either of you wrong or bad.
How can you reach a compromise that is satisfying for both of you?
60. What is one of the best sexual encounters we've had? What made it so great?
Revisit some of your most thrilling or intimate sexual encounters and talk about every aspect of it that made it so memorable.
After discussing this memory, you may find yourselves acting it out again!
Random Questions for Couples
Here are some fun and random questions to learn more about each other.
61. What is something you always wanted as a child but never had?
62. If you could give yourself any other name, what would it be?
63. What is the worst first date you ever had and what happened to make it so bad?
64. Which one of your parents are you the most like and how?
65. If you could be invisible, how would you use this superpower?
66. Who are the three most influential people in your life other than me and your parents?
67. If you had to describe yourself in five words, what would they be?
68. If you had to describe me in five words, what would they be?
69. If you didn't have to work, how would you spend your time?
70. If you could meet any person in history, who would it be and what would you talk about?
71. What is your favorite smell?
72. If you could change the world in one big way, what would it be?
73. Where are three places you'd like to live if we could move now or in the future?
74. What is one big risk you've always wanted to take but been too afraid to try?
75. What do you think we'll be doing in our lives when we are in our eighties?
If you would like more great questions for couples, please check out my book, 201 Relationship Questions: The Couple's Guide to Building Trust and Emotional Intimacy.