Do You Yell At Your Spouse Or Partner? Why You Do And 13 Ways To Stop The Outbursts Before They Happen

Is your relationship a heated war zone? 

Do you find yourself yelling at your partner from time to time, feeling completely powerless and driven by emotions?

Maybe it’s out of frustration, stress, or exhaustion…or perhaps you aren't even sure why it's happening.

Outbursts can strain relationships and negatively impact both partners’ well-being. 

Before letting your emotions control your next argument, pause and take a moment to learn how your anger impacts you and your partner.

We're here to help you manage your anger before it takes over so that you can enjoy your relationship.

Why You Resort to Yelling When Angry

Yelling and screaming in relationships is not just a frustrating display of emotion; it's actually a sign that something else is going on beneath the surface. 

If you've found yourself in this endless cycle of screaming and shouting at your partner, below are a few reasons why it's happening.

1. You’re Feeling Unheard and Not Respected in the Relationship

Sometimes, we yell to make ourselves heard and gain respect in relationships. If you feel like your partner isn't listening to you, you could be using your voice to express anger and assert dominance in the relationship.

2. You’re Feeling Powerless

Feeling powerless can be incredibly frustrating, especially for those who like to control things. It's natural to want to lash out in these moments, and yelling is often the go-to reaction.

3. You're Trying to Punish Your Partner

Whether it's conscious or not, shouting and screaming can be a way to punish your partner by distancing them from you and withdrawing affection.

couple standing up while fighting how to stop yelling in a relationship

Maybe you're trying to make them feel guilty for something they did, and you're hoping to scare them enough to change their behavior.

4. You’re Overwhelmed

Stress and exhaustion can cause us to lose control of our emotions. If there are too many things on your plate, yelling at your partner can be a way to release tension and frustration.

From childcare and household responsibilities to work and everything in between, it's quite easy to feel overwhelmed.

6. You’re Trying to Get Your Partner's Attention

Raising your voice is also a way of getting someone else's attention, even if it’s not positive attention.

If you feel like your partner isn't paying enough attention to you, raising your voice can help you get their attention at the moment.

7. You’re Trying to Avoid Tough Conversations

Trying to avoid tough conversations can lead us down a slippery slope of frustration and misunderstanding.

If we ignore the issues that need to be discussed, our feelings can quickly become bottled up, making it easy to start yelling at those around us.

Is It Healthy or Bad to Yell When Angry?

Yelling is not an effective way of communicating in a relationship. While it may provide a short-term sense of relief for the person doing it, it typically results in long-term damage to the relationship.

Yelling can be intimidating and degrading to your partner, creating an environment of fear rather than mutual understanding and respect.

But in some cases, it may be appropriate to raise your voice when in a disagreement with your partner.

You can only do this in an emergency when you need to communicate a message quickly and effectively without explaining the entire argument.

For example, if you see your partner about to do something dangerous, yelling can effectively communicate the urgency to stop them in this situation. Likewise, yelling “call the police” could help in an unsafe situation.

In any other circumstance, yelling can be damaging to a relationship. It can be seen as a sign of disrespect and can lead to mistrust and insecurity in your partner.

But even in these two scenarios, it's important to remember that yelling should never be a habit, an intimidation tactic, or a threat. It should only be used as a last resort and with caution.

How to Stop Yelling in a Relationship: 13 Ways to Stop the Outbursts

Two people screaming at each other often create an unsafe environment for themselves and those around them.

You may not think raising your voice is a big deal, but it can seriously affect your relationship with your spouse and your kids.

So how can you stop this negative cycle?

Here are 13 tips to help you control your anger and stop raising your voice in your relationship: 

1. Acknowledge That Yelling Is Not The Solution

You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Acceptance is the first stage of healing.

To foster the change you need, start by admitting that raising your voice is not a productive way to deal with disagreements and commit to finding more effective ways of communicating with your partner.

woman crying while man is shouting at her how to stop yelling in a relationship

Keep in mind that it's more of an emotional reaction that often leads to more harm than good.

2. Identify Your Triggers

First, take some time to think about what triggers you and why you feel the need to yell.

  • Is it because your partner isn’t listening? 
  • Are they doing something that is making you angry
  • Do you yell because you feel a lack of control over the situation?

Understanding why shouting and screaming has become your default reaction can help you control yourself in the future. You'll know what to avoid and be more prepared in similar circumstances.

3. Take Time to Calm Down Before You Respond 

If you feel like you’re about to yell, and it’s the only option in this situation, take a step back and count to ten before responding. As you count, try to picture yourself in a relaxed environment, like on the beach or in a meadow, sipping a margarita or a calming cup of tea. 

This respite will help you get out of the moment and take a more objective look at the situation, enabling you to control your emotions.

4. Talk It Out

After taking a step back to examine the situation, you'll return feeling calmer and more in control.

Now is the time to start talking and calmly expressing yourself. Calmly explain to your partner what is going on without screaming at them. Start with “I” statements and talk about your feelings instead of yelling accusations.

For example, saying, “I feel frustrated when you do this because…” will keep the conversation productive and civil without anyone feeling like they are being attacked.

5. Find an Outlet

If yelling and screaming are your go-to reactions in a fight, try to find other ways to vent your anger and frustration. Exercise, meditate, write down what you’re feeling—anything that will help you release the negative emotion without involving someone else.

Finding an outlet that works for you will help calm you down and put you in a better headspace to speak to your partner. It will also help you address the problem more constructively.

6. Practice Deep Breathing

When you're getting overwhelmed, and it feels imminent that you’ll yell, take a few deep breaths to help you relax. Breathing is powerful because it helps your body physically relax and gives your mind a break to calm down and think clearly.

This is an effective way to recenter yourself and regain control of your emotions before they take control of you. It can also help stop yelling in its tracks!

7. Allow Yourself to Be More Vulnerable

Your partner should be your safe space. They should be your confidante and the one place where you can really open up without fear of judgment or criticism.

Allowing yourself to be more vulnerable with them can help you feel more connected and understood. It also brings out a softer side of yourself that is often masked by yelling and screaming.

Vulnerability helps to build relationships and connections, which is key when it comes to communication in a relationship.

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If You're Already Yelling…

8. Stop and Take Time To Reflect on the Situation

These solutions aren't a one-day fix; they take time and effort to implement.

You may sometimes catch yourself yelling even after you've started your healing journey. When this happens, it's essential to take a step back and reflect on why it has become your go-to reaction.

Take inventory of what's happening. Why were you arguing? Was shouting at your partner the only way to be heard?

Once you figure out the underlying issue, it will be easier for you to move forward without yelling. Understanding why yelling has become your default reaction can help you control yourself in the future and have more productive conversations with your partner.

9. Practice Active Listening During Arguments

Practicing active listening can be a great way to stop yelling at your spouse.

Active listening means fully understanding and acknowledging what the other person is saying. Being truly present and taking in their words and emotions is the best way to connect with them. 

This will create an atmosphere of trust and understanding between the two of you so that you can calmly explain how you feel instead of resorting to expressions of anger.

Active listening also includes echoing what they’ve said back to them. For example, you might say, “I hear you’re feeling overwhelmed by my behavior,” so they know you are paying attention.

Additionally, it helps reduce tension and gives both parties time before responding or acting in frustration or anger. Everyone wants to feel heard, and this is exactly why active listening works.

10. Apologize Immediately

If you catch yourself yelling, apologize to your partner immediately. While an apology shows them that you are aware of your behavior and recognize the need to change, it also humbles you and allows you to take responsibility for your actions.

It's also important to follow up with action; talk to your partner about what you can do to prevent screaming in the future and assure them that it won't happen again.

By apologizing and following up with action, you are showing your partner respect, understanding, and love – all of which are key to any healthy relationship.

11. Think Critically Before You Speak

Thinking critically before speaking allows you to evaluate your emotions and responses before reacting. 

This means taking a moment to pause and reflect on what you want to say, considering the potential consequences of your words, and choosing a more constructive and respectful way to communicate your thoughts and feelings.

This can diffuse tension and improve the overall quality of your communication with your partner. It also increases your chances of having more meaningful conversations with your partner, preventing a screaming match in the future.

12. Ask Your Partner to Hold You Accountable

Asking your partner to hold you accountable can create a system of mutual responsibility and support.

By communicating your desire to change your behavior and asking your partner to help you (by reminding you when you start to get upset or raise your voice), you can work together to break the cycle of yelling and improve communication.

It can also help to build trust and deepen your emotional connection as you work towards a common goal. Additionally, being held accountable by someone you care about can provide extra motivation to change and reinforce positive habits.

13. Seek Professional Help

If raising your voice is a habit in your relationship and nothing is helping, it may be time to seek professional help. A therapist can provide valuable insight into why it has become the norm in your relationship and what you can do to stop it.

They can also teach you coping skills and communication strategies to help resolve conflicts without resulting in a screaming match.

Negative Effects of Yelling at a Spouse or Partner

Yelling at a partner can negatively affect the relationship and the individuals involved. These effects can include:

  • Emotional distress: Yelling can cause emotional pain and distress for both the person who is yelling and the person who is being yelled at. This can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
  • Lack of trust: Shouting and screaming create an atmosphere of distrust and fear in a relationship, making it difficult to communicate openly or resolve conflicts.
  • Escalation of conflict: Yelling can escalate conflicts and make them more challenging to resolve. It can also make it harder for both partners to listen to and understand each other's perspectives.
  • Physical health problems: When you yell at your partner, they may suffer physical health problems such as headaches, high blood pressure, and heart problems. These physical issues can further worsen as the relationship continues.
  • Damage to the relationship: Yelling can damage the relationship by eroding trust, creating a negative cycle of communication, and making it difficult to resolve conflicts in a healthy way. It may also lead to resentment, distance, and even separation if it is not addressed.
  • Modeling negative behavior: When you yell at your partner, you’re modeling negative behavior for children and other family members, which can lead to a cycle of generational conflict.

Final Thoughts

Yelling at your partner is a destructive behavior that can have serious negative consequences for the relationship and the individuals involved.

If you want to avoid yelling in a relationship, it is essential to practice healthy communication skills. Take time to reflect on your words and actions before responding, hold each other accountable, and seek professional help when needed.

Remember, working together to create a safe and supportive environment can help you strengthen your relationship, prevent yelling, and improve your communication.

How to stop yelling in a relationship? Read this post and see how you can improve the quality of your relationship by not yelling.