36 Ways To Be Irresistibly Attractive

“The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others. They are open to gestures of love. They think about love, and express their love in every action.” ~Deepak Chopra

Here's the bottom line: we want people to like us and be attracted to us.

Even when we say we don't care what people think, we really do.

We desire to be loved, respected, and viewed in a positive light.

Our human interactions are vital to our sense of well-being, self-esteem, and happiness.

When we discover that someone doesn't like us or rejects us in some way, our emotions can run the gamut from defensive indignation to deep pain and profound sadness.

For any of us who have attempted to be likable and more attractive to everyone, you eventually realize the futility of this exhausting endeavor.

It is impossible to “make” everyone like you, and even if you could, you will ultimately lose your self in the process. When you morph into a people pleaser or an actor playing roles to accommodate those you want to impress, you often alienate the very people you hope to charm.

What Makes Someone Attractive?

Only when we see ourselves as lovable and embrace our own authentic qualities, needs, ideas, values, and personality traits, do we release the pheromones of being attractive to others.

Although not everyone will be attracted to your authenticity, those who are attracted to you will generally be emotionally intelligent, mature individuals who value genuine and unaffected relationships.

happy couple laughing how to be attractive

Self-love, self-confidence, and authenticity are the foundational elements of attractiveness.

To strengthen this foundation being attractive and foster the transition from “trying to impress” to naturally attracting wonderful people into your life, there are some specific changes and shifts you can adopt.

Quick note: Meeting new people and improving the quality of your relationships is a skill that can be developed. To learn more, check out this course that can help you massively boost your confidence at work and home.

Learn how to be attractive by taking these 36 actions:

1.  Develop your own personal operating system. Carve out and define your own reality, philosophy, values, and interests rather than automatically accepting those of your family, peers, religion, or culture.

2.  Begin to let go of the need for validation. Don't be motivated by the opinions or others or the desire for recognition. Be driven by what is important to you and what you value.

3.  Trust your instincts and allow for experimentation. Get to know yourself and discover what you enjoy and find exciting, even if you have to fail a few times.

4.  Accept others as they are. Begin letting go of judgments and criticism of others. Focus on people's strengths rather than their faults. Learn to deal with difficult people without diminishing yourself.

5.  Really hear people. Go beyond just listening and understanding. Let people know that you really get them.

6.  Take care of unresolved matters in your life. Restore your integrity. Forgive and ask for forgiveness where necessary. Reclaim the energy you have given to these matters.

7.  Embrace a healthy lifestyle. Get some form of exercise daily. Eat healthy foods that support your body, not your emotions. Do this because you respect yourself, not to impress others.

8.  Cause things to happen. Don't wait for them. Be a creator, an instigator, a collaborator. Share your enthusiasm.

9.  Show people you care. Don't just talk about it. Show them in ways that are meaningful to them, not you.

10. Require the best of people. See them not only for who they are, but who they can be. Lovingly reflect that vision to them.

11. Ensure your own needs are met. Discern your primary needs, and communicate fully what is important and valuable to you in your relationships. Don't compromise these to keep the peace or hang on.

12. Speak constructively. Use your words to uplift, inspire, motivate, and encourage. Don't offer “constructive criticism” or subtle digs.

13. Laugh easily. Have a lightness about you. Take life less seriously and choose to find and create fun and joy.

14. Cease gossip. Choose not to talk about others in ways that are openly or subtlety critical. Don't share information for the feeling of power or intrigue.

15. Make requests, not complaints. If you need something from someone, ask for it directly. Don't whine or complain to them or others.

16. Handle situations fully. Kindly but clearly deal with negative issues as soon as possible. Don't tolerate anything if it causes resentments.

17. Be done with arguments. Smile and walk away until healthy communication is possible.

18. Offer help only when asked. Don't assume that others want you to fix them or that you know best for them. Be available and give help only when asked.

19. Care deeply, but remain detached. Let others know you care deeply about them when they have problems, but don't get caught up in their problems.

20. See with your heart, not your eyes. Look beyond superficiality when seeing someone. Financial status, appearance, notoriety, all mean nothing. Look for the authentic person inside.

21.  Don't say yes when you mean no. If you mean no, your yes will be harnessed with resentment. Say yes only when your yes is given freely.

22. Let others know you are grateful. Tell them and show them that you feel blessed to have them in your life.

23. Never play the guilt card. Don't try to manipulate or hurt someone by trying to make them feel bad about their choices, decisions, or actions.

24. Give more than is expected. Don't over-commit, but freely give more than you promise.

25. Be inter-developmental in your relationships. Don't be controlling, dependent or co-dependent. Create relationships that are mutually uplifting, reward, and satisfying.

26. Be a big person. Don't try to take credit, diminish others, or hold back on praise. Offer acknowledgment and power when it is needed and deserved.

27. Be confident enough to be humble. Be able to laugh at yourself, acknowledge your flaws and failures, and accept that they don't define you.

28. Be open to learning. Don't flaunt your intelligence or superior knowledge. Recognize that there is always something to learn, even from those who appear “less than.”

29. Be more engaged than engaging. Show your sincere interest in others. Use the word “you” more than “I.” Listen intently and reflect back to others who they are.

30. Give gifts that others want. Not just gifts to impress or that are important to you.

31. Challenge yourself constantly. Don't settle for mediocre. Don't languish in past accomplishments. Keep moving forward and exude enthusiasm about possibilities and the actions to make them happen.

32. Detach from adrenaline. Simplify your life enough so you are not rushed, stressed, cluttered, or distracted. Allow yourself time and room to focus.

33. Embrace the incredible power of now. Nothing is more valuable than this moment. Be mindful of having the best moment you possibly can right now.

34. Don't fight the flow. Don't struggle against people or situations you can't control. Move effortlessly in a different direction.

35. Keep evolving. Stay on a path of self-improvement and stay alert for opportunities for shifts and growth.

36. Accept that you won't be attractive to everyone. As you evolve and become more attractive, fewer people will be attracted to you — but what an incredible group they are!

More Related Articles:

25 Relationship Quotes To Inspire Intimacy And Love

31 Ways To Be More Feminine And Attractive

What other qualities or actions make people attractive to you?

122 thoughts on “36 Ways To Be Irresistibly Attractive”

  1. I think my favorite in this list is “trust your instincts/allow for experimentation.” Knowing myself is almost a hobby of mine. Just as important is knowing I may mis-step, and it’s okay. I am always learning from steps toward who I am or steps away from who I am. Appreciating the journey – the adventure.

    19 and 24 stand out to me – been working on these myself!
    .-= Marci´s last blog ..Uncover the Silver Lining in a Stormy Economy =-.

    • Hi Marci,
      I like the idea of experimentation as well. I think it is incredibly attractive for someone to have the self-confidence to try and pursue a variety of interests and passions. Their excitement and engagement in life is infectious.

  2. Hi Barrie,

    It is true, we do want people to like us and rejection is never easy to bear. But as you wisely point out, this does not mean bending over backwards to accommodate everyone. On the one hand, it is tiring for us. On the other hand, it makes us inconsistent to others. This kind of behaviour only results when we do not love and respect ourselves in the first place. It happens when we have no confidence in who we are as people. Being true to ourselves is the best way to get people to like us and those that do not, we were probably never destined to get along with them in the first place.

    I love your 36 ways to be irresistibly attractive. Here are my thoughts on some of them.

    1. Develop your own personal operating system.

    I believe this is critical to being attractive. Without your own beliefs, values and distinct way of living that makes no apologies, it is hard to come across as genuine and real. While it may have been ok to follow the way of our parents when younger, we have to find our own way in life once we get older. Only by doing so will we live in a way that is most natural with our nature.

    4. Accept others as they are.

    Accepting people as they are draws them to you. No one likes to be judged. In having the accepting mindset, it helps to place yourself in the other person’s shoes to see why they feel the way they do. If you can understand their hopes and fears, then acceptance comes naturally.

    6. Take care of unresolved matters in your life.

    It is always good to resolve problems as early as possible, especially when it concerns relationships of any kind. The longer we put it off the bigger the problem becomes and lasting damage could be the result. There is no need to carry needless burdens. If we can forgive and ask for forgiveness as quickly as possible, we will feel much lighter. In any conflict, both parties have to share responsibility for what happened.

    7. Embrace a healthy lifestyle.

    I do this for purely pragmatic reasons. The last thing I would want is to have health problems because I lead too sedentary a lifestyle. While I may not notice it while I am young now, when I get older, the effects will be more apparent and by then, it may be too late.

    9. Show people you care.

    I love this point! I have seen many people who are very good at talking about how much they care. But when it comes to action, they are sorely lacking. Some people do not even bother to verbalize that they care. They assume that their loved ones can read their minds. Showing people that you care is something we should do often to remind our loved ones of how much they mean to us. Whether we become more attractive as a result is not so important.

    24. Give more than is expected.

    If we can give more that is expected without straining ourselves, we should do so. It is always good to over deliver. But we should take care not to over promise and cause disappointment when we cannot fulfil our promises.

    Thank you for sharing this lovely article! 🙂

    Irving the Vizier
    .-= The Vizier´s last blog ..The Importance of Reading the Signs =-.

    • Hi Irving,
      Happy New Year! I’m so glad you liked the points for attracting others. You show that you care by always writing very thoughtful and substantive comments to my posts! I really appreciate it. 🙂

  3. Love this! “The art of being irresistibly attractive to others requires that we do something which can be quite difficult. It requires us to love and respect ourselves first and foremost.” I work a lot with people with Eating Disorders and one of the hardest things is to help them realize that’s it’s not only OK to love and respect themself, it’s critical.

    .-= Katie Goode´s last blog ..Mindfulness Practice 6- Increasing Emotional Awareness =-.

    • Hi Katie,
      I’m sure someone with an eating disorder has a hard time with the self-love requirement. We all do to some degree. But once we accept ourselves, then we send out a silent message to others that we are interesting and valuable. It’s amazing how that works. Thank you for you kind comments.

  4. Barrie, I think I just found my philosophy of life rolled up into 36 glittering nuggets of wisdom. Powerful stuff, powerfully expressed. I appreciate it. All of it. Thanks.

    .-= Christopher Lovejoy´s last blog ..On Being A Witness =-.

  5. “Only when we see ourselves as lovable and embrace our own authentic qualities, needs, ideas, values, and personality traits, do we release the pheromones of attractiveness to others.”
    This is something I have been trying to improve on and this sentence really struck me.
    Thank you

    • I’m so glad it did Dawn. Just begin accepting those qualities in yourself, and amazingly other mature and healthy people will be attracted to you.

  6. I didn’t get the last point!
    If you are really good, why should only a few ppl b attracted towards you? By those standards, is it safe to assume that social misfits and introverts are more attractive than someone who is ‘the life at any gathering’?

    • Yes, of course. When you start to become more emotionally healthy, self-confident, and authentic, you will attract other like-minded people into your sphere. And those are the people you want in your life. But you also begin to let go of people who are not good for you. When you set boundaries in your life and state your needs clearly, mature people will respect you for it. Others will move away from you. So you are becoming attractive to those you really want in your life.

    • I understand it quite well. The more evolved you are as an individual the less the others with relate to you so they won’t find you as attractive. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

  7. I love it when I see someone expressing joy. It is a magnet to me.
    Right now I’m focusing on listening. I am seeing it as a gift I can give others and myself.

  8. Tremendous list Barrie.

    I especially like #33 – Embrace the incredible power of now.

    To be fully present with the person we are with is the best gift we can give and will no doubt cause the other person to be more attracted to us.

    Happy New Year,


  9. Hi Alex,
    Thank you for the kind words! Being fully present for someone takes practice, but the payoff is huge. Your relationships become so much richer, and people are definitely attracted to your interest in them.

  10. I LOVE this post, Barrie! In keeping with my one and only New Year’s resolution, to be true to the ME in “I am,” I am looking inward to the “shiny” part of me and not focusing on typical standards by which we judge attractiveness. So it’s fun that you did this post just when I was thinking about this topic. This is really a personal road map to being an appealing person!!
    .-= Ande Waggener´s last blog ..Do You Need A Tune Up =-.

    • That’s wonderful Ande! I love it — the “shiny” part of me. That is a great way to phrase it. The shiny part is the real, evolved, higher consciousness part of a person. Not the ego part. Thank you for sharing.

  11. Wow, Barrie. Your list is exactly what I needed in my life today. Improving myself outwardly is so insignificant compared to the inner work that needs to take place before I attempt a healthy relationship again someday. I want to improve myself and live a life that is aligned with my personal values and I feel as if I now have a primer. I’ll be referring go this page frequently in 2011!

    • Marley, you are exactly right — the inner work is the foundation for outer growth and happiness. I am so glad the post was helpful. You are quite welcome! 🙂

    • I’ve shared this post with several friends…life is a wonderful work in progress. Thanks again for offering so many tools for living a bold life! I’m awfully glad that I stumbled across a link to your blog on Twitter =) Cheers!

  12. Barrie,
    These steps need to be taught at school. At least they wouldn’t be foreign to adults!
    I love the “you” instead of “I” . It took me a long time to “know” that one;)

    Rich Devos says in one of his books. “There are two kind of people in the world, one that walks in a room and say, “Here I am,” and the other who walks in the room and say, “Ah, there you are.” Powerful, I never forgot it.
    .-= Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..110 Tips to Create an Amazing New Year =-.

    • I love that quote from Rich Devos. I am going to have to take a look at his books. I’ve never heard of him. Thank you for your lovely comments Tess.

  13. What a fabulous list! I will refer back to this as well. Love – Embrace a healthy lifestyle and Care deeply, but remain detached. Thank you.

  14. Happy New Year, Barrie!

    Your list of 36 points is an incredible gift to get 2011 started. I am going to refer to this list again and again in the coming year:-)

    You have covered so much – and to me ultimately it comes down to be genuine, authentic, loving and caring.

    The people who truly matter will really get it when you come from this clear space.

    Thanks Barrie for writing one of the best posts I have ever read in many a month. Wishing you all the best for this year.

    It’s been wonderful to watch you blossom in the last 12 months.
    .-= Arvind Devalia´s last blog ..2 Key Things to Drum About in 2011 =-.

  15. Though you published this on Jan 2nd, this was a message I needed to read TODAY.

    I’m so glad I kept in it my in box until I had time and the right attitude to digest and reflect upon your list.

    Many thanks,

  16. i really like your article especially this part “Don’t say yes when you mean no” because am doing the opposite and that makes me fell so angry , however I think to practice what you say it’s very difficult !!! in my life I used to make what you say and alot of people loves me but how to attract a specific person i think it needs more or it’s kind of a gift that God give it to some people or may by it’s only a good luck !!! or what do you see??

    • I think every person is blessed with their own wonderful personality and spirit, and that being yourself is the best way to meet someone who truly cares for you just the way you are. 🙂

  17. The 36 ways constitute about 75% of what humanity require to live a purposefull life.
    Thanks for that contribution to life.

  18. What has always made people attractive to me is a great smile and kind eyes. There is a sort of openness and a welcoming feeling they give off that make me comfortable—sort of like being with a friend. I must also be giving off the same feeling of acceptance because I usually become good friends with them—even though we may not have the same common interests. We are open to the newness of each other.

  19. I really enjoyed this article. I can eat this information up for breakfast, lunch and dinner because it just fills me up with feelings of creativeness inside.


    1. Develop your own personal operating system. Carve out and define your own reality, philosophy, values, and interests rather than automatically accepting those of your family, peers, religion, or culture.

    I’ll admit, sometimes I find it difficult to connect because I am a non-conformist. Sometimes I feel “crazy” if I am different, I know it’s not true, but it’s a fleeing fear I feel when I am around people that are not like-minded. It’s so refreshing and validating (which goes onto the next point) when you are with like-minded people.

    2. Begin to let go of the need for validation. Don’t be motivated by the opinions or others or the desire for recognition. Be driven by what is important to you and what you value.

    This takes a lot of courage for me. I think because I am scared to stand out and be pointed at as different. I may have different opinions, and driven by what’s important to me, but when I am not with like-minded people who can’t relate feel isolated and alone.

  20. Hello Barrie, I agree with your post. There is so much of people-pleasers in all of us (some more than others) because we all have the need to be liked, but what´s interesting is that the more we try to please everyone, the less we tend to please ourselves and in the long run our true self will eventually show plus people are not easily fooled…cheers 🙂

  21. I entirely agree with the views this article has shared. However, sometimes being attractive requires you to first understand what is attractiveness. Only if someone is giving you a little more importance than others, it doesn’t mean that the person is giving you importance for your attractiveness. It may not always not be reason. But most of the times, people take it in this way and make a mistake to understand the actual definition of attractiveness.

    The best way to be attractive in front of others is just by being yourself, just by being who you actually are, not by acting like a person you are not like. People would ultimately catch it. just be yourself and if you find people to give you importance, it is absolutely real. If you really who you are, you would understand you are unique. Have you ever thought that there is nobody ( in the world ) who is totally like you. If your name is Sam, there is only Sam in the world and that is you. This is your uniqueness and attractiveness as well. Respect yourself at first knowing who you actually are and you will find how attractive you are. Then you don’t have to think what others are thinking about you. Now you are really unique and feel how much you are attractive……… Just be yourself ……………… Just shared my thoughts. Thanks for reading.

    Nice blog. Best of luck …..

    • Thank you Tamal. I couldn’t agree more. When you are real and authentic, people are naturally attracted to you.

  22. This list is wonderful! I want to hang it in my room or something. Not only does it make you attractive but I think many of these suggestions can enhance life from our own perspective. Thank you so much! I needed something like this to start again fresh 🙂

  23. Thank you. Very helpful specially when you said love yourself & don’t look for validation. I think it’s very true.

  24. hi
    Accepting others as they are is a great lesson, it has hit me several times by not accepting the nature of others, we should really not judge people with our own standards.

  25. This was a very well done post with a lot of quality ideas. I particularly like how you said to embrace a healthy lifestyle not to impress others, but rather because you respect yourself. This is a distinction that far too few people understand.

    If you engage in healthy behaviors only to impress, you will inevitably be disappointed when you don’t consistently get the reaction you want. Seeking a reaction in others is merely a form of looking for validation in others, which is another unattractive behavior you mentioned (and in my opinion, the least attractive behavior).

    Thanks for an inspiring post!

  26. I dont think you left anything out here. And you are right about trying to get validation from people that also are looking for validation as well being a total waste of time. Most probably these people are judging based on some shallow criteria are themselves triying to get but will never attain.

  27. Surround yourself with those who are motivated, looking forward, and ready to improve themselves.

    When you surround yourself with these people, you begin to avoid the three words of poison; Coulda, Woulda and Shoulda. Get positive people around you, look forward and GO!!!

  28. I wish this article was titled differently. These ideas are valuable to a whole life – not just finding ways to ‘be attractive.’ The title is contradictory. “Try to be more attractive, but don’t care what others think.”

  29. Hi Barrie,
    I love and respect what you do. Would you like to guest blog on my website on our articles page? You can promote your book and website there. Also, I think your positive energy would benefit a lot of yogis. Cheers!

  30. This is a fantastic list! I especially like the “Keep Evolving” point. Glad I just found this site. I’m going to add you to my blogroll. Have a wonderful day! ~Stacey (:

  31. Been attractive is not just about money and status, its a whole package which must include your dress sense,attitude,aura,food and diet,confidence,humility and simplicity.
    Any one can be beautiful but not all can be attractive; ability to magnet others to you without any conscious effort. My struggle with low esteen lead to discover a treasure that i share with fans daily.

  32. If you were really that selfless and enlightened, why would fewer people be attracted to you as stated in 36? I think you hit the nail on the board on some points though about superficiality and really put things into words.

  33. Hi, just wanted to mention these are quality points to not just be attractive, but overall lead to a happier life, which in itself is attractive.

    great post

  34. What’s Going down i am new to this, I stumbled upon this I have discovered It positively useful and it has aided me out loads. I hope to give a contribution & aid different users like its helped me. Great job.

  35. This post is brilliant. I especially like #22, especially because I synchronisticly found this post while writing in my gratitude journal. Thank you so much for writing this. There is a ton of value in this post!

    Again, this is an awesome post. Thank you for adding value ti peooles lives.

    – Sir Kev

  36. 27 year old male from Norway here, and as much as theese are all good pointers and are helping you enjoy every aspect of life. I have never in my life met such a person. Ive tried this my whole life and I get nothing but tramped on by single minded egoistic ppl every day. Its like the world is filled with zombies. The lights are on but nobody is home figureofspeach.

  37. hello Barrie
    thanks to stumble upon i’ve just discovered your site!
    i think your advices can really help to make the difference in everybody’s life!
    thanks to share your experiences!

  38. Please let me know if you’re looking for a article writer for your blog. You have some really great articles and I feel I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d really like to write some content for your blog in exchange
    for a link back to mine. Please blast me an email if interested.

  39. Just wanted to say that these 36 jewels represent a perfect roadmap to maturity!! Thanks for writing them down.

  40. #26 and #36 are my favorite !

    Being a big person is not easy… But it is a precious way to love ourselves more and more.

    We won’t be attractive to everyone ?? We’ll I’l try (and succed) to be ok with that ! 🙂

  41. I wish I knew how to let go of my need for validation. It really causes me a lot of turmoil inside. I was raised by a Mother who was this way and I seem to have adopted her martyrisms. Sigh…

    Thanks for this post. Very enlightening.

    • You let go of the need for validation by completely and totally accepting that you are OK just the way you are. Your inner wisdom is as valid as any other person’s. If there are areas in your life where you feel insecure about your knowledge and abilities, then work to educate yourself or improve those areas. Create your own standards and define who YOU want to be rather than looking to others to define that for you.

  42. I feel safe to say that almost all of these things come naturally to me. I am no one but myself, I love to give to others, I’m incapable of disliking anyone at all and I’ve been told that I have a positive impact on the people around me. Still, I am not the type of girl you get attracted to. Ever.
    Is that only because I hate myself? Because I don’t let it show. The few people who know were absolutely shocked to hear it. So if people don’t know, how can it affect them?

  43. Thanks for posting these self motivating points. I do read them whenever I feel lack of confidence in me. It really works as confidence booster. I feel assured about my positive points I possess and it gives me new energy to work. Thanks a lot.

  44. What a great post!

    I have read experimented a lot and on the subject of attraction and I think your spot on!

    Know who you are and do what you want to do, be authentic, love and respect yourself and give your gift to the world!

    Some won’t like you, but it’s ok, it’s just a fact of life that you have to accept!

  45. This article really spoke to me, thank you.

    I’ve known for a while that the reason I won’t let anyone really love me, is because I don’t feel I deserve it. But that’s exactly what needs to change.

    I am printing this out to use for daily review.
    Once again, thank you.

  46. My favourite: Accept that you won’t be attractive to everyone. Truly acceptable line. A pleaser personality can neither be happy nor be confident.

  47. Great post and I’m really hoping to put these tips into practice this year! The main one for me is ‘Begin to let go of the need for validation’ I really must learn to be who I want to be and not seek the approval of those around me.

  48. True beauty comes from within. There are many good tips on this post which are fantastic. Our true calling in being attractive starts from within. Good post here.

  49. Amazing list of 36 actions that everyone should consider! I especially love the eight – Cause things to happen and fourteenth – Cease gossip.

    Thanks for creating this awesome list of invaluable advice!

  50. im going through a separation right now and the goal for both of us is to find out who we are, what makes us happy, and to grow as a person. this is really going to help me along my path and i really appreciate it. i feel like i have a rough draft on what my goals will be now and i am going to save this to my computer. thank you dearly.

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