How do you know when you don’t love your husband anymore?
First of all, it’s essential to distinguish the different types of love and whether any of those types remain.
It’s one thing, after all, to say, “I’m not in love with my husband.” It’s another to say, “I don’t like my husband.”
We’ll get into that.
Next up is the question of whether what remains is enough of a reason to stay married.
1. You tend not to initiate conversations with him.
After all, there isn’t much you can talk about anymore. You don’t feel a need or desire for his conversation. If you must be in the same room together, you prefer that he occupy himself in silence. It’s not so much a companionable silence as a compromise.
If he initiates a conversation with you, you’re likely to tense up immediately and feel irritated or anxious about what’s coming.
2. There’s more criticism going on between you than connecting.
It seems that’s all you do together is criticize each other’s decisions or behavior — overtly or with passive-aggressive comments here and there. It’s gotten to the point where both of you tense up when the other walks into the room.
You’re bracing yourselves for the criticism and contempt that seem inevitable and that permeate the space between you. That’s what defines your relationship, now.
3. You feel more like yourself when he’s not around.
You feel not only more at ease but more like the person you want to be — when your husband isn’t there and isn’t likely to overhear you or notice what you’re doing or saying. You feel free to be yourself.
The instant he shows up, part of you shuts down, and you become a subdued or guarded version of yourself. Your mood changes noticeably, and the tension is palpable.
4. You use technology to distance yourself from him.
When he’s around, you’re more likely to immerse yourself in something you’re doing on your computer or smartphone. It’s a blessed distraction and excuse not to interact with him any more than absolutely necessary.
If he wants to talk instead, you resent the intrusion and the implied expectation that you drop what you’re doing (or put it on hold) to focus your attention on him instead.
5. You use physical distance, too.
In other words, you skedaddle. You find something to do that takes you away from his presence. Maybe you invent a reason to go to the store. Or you ask a friend to meet you for coffee.
Or you decide you focus better when you work somewhere he has no desire to be, whether that’s a library, a local bookstore, or a parking lot with a great view.
6. When you look at him, you feel nothing (or nothing positive).
You look at your husband and feel nothing remotely like attraction—physical or any other kind. You just don’t feel what a wife should feel (at least sometimes) toward her husband. Maybe you want to, but you just don’t.
Maybe you remember once feeling strongly attracted to your husband, but now, after you’ve been through together, you feel either unable or disinclined to feel that again.
7. You think of more negative than positive things to say about him.
When your husband comes to mind, or when someone asks you to describe him, most of what comes to mind are negatives.
You remember something he recently said that bothered you. You remember habits of his that drive you up the wall. You remember that look he gets on his face when he’s not happy with you. The negative stuff far outweighs the positive.
8. You’re tempted to pursue a relationship with someone else.
Whether or not you’ve already begun at least an emotional affair with someone else, you’ve felt more connected, lately, with someone else than you remember ever feeling with your husband.
You feel drawn to other people and wonder what it might be like to get closer to one (or more) of them. You won’t deny you’ve been tempted. And you’re only a little bit sorry.
9. You have nothing in common.
If you have kids together, they’re all you have in common with your husband. And you’ve let go of the idea that staying married is what’s best for your kids. The kind of marriage you have is not something you’d wish on any of them.
There’s nothing you enjoy doing together. He’s barely tolerated certain things to please you and vice-versa. If it weren’t for your kids, you would have ended it years ago.
10. You look forward to your time away from him.
You love the idea of separate vacations, because you know if you went together somewhere, one of you would be miserable. And that misery would soon spread to the other. No, thanks.
So, when he announces he’s leaving on a work-related trip or planning a trip with some friends, you welcome the chance to spend those days without him.
11. You don’t think your marriage is fixable.
You don’t believe the problems in your marriage are something anyone can fix, and you’re done trying to “make the best of it.” Focusing on the positive hasn’t helped; it just made it easier for him to take you for granted or get his own way.
People have asked why you won’t even try marriage counseling, and you don’t know how to convince them it’s not likely to help in your case.
12. You dread conversations with him.
Conversations with him tend to become one-sided. Or he uses emotional tactics that have worked on you in the past—and that now only make you feel intense and overwhelming anger and resentment.
He can’t guilt you into anything anymore. But he still tries. To him, he’s just “being honest.” Every conversation with him is an opportunity for him to twist the knife a little more.
13. The thought of intimacy with him does not appeal to you.
Maybe you remember when things were different, and you could barely keep your hands off each other, but now… now, the thought of intimacy with him has zero appeal.
Since you don’t feel a connection with him, true intimacy isn’t even possible. Sex is just sex. And you don’t want it with him.
What used to feel intimate and enjoyable is now awkward and meaningless.
14. You tend to avoid spending time alone with him.
Maybe he’s invited you to spend some time alone with him to talk and reconnect with each other—the way you used to (before kids or whatever). And you felt either panicked or annoyed.
The truth is, you don’t want to be alone with him. You don’t trust yourself to know what to say. Or you don’t trust him not to steer the conversation to your disadvantage.
More Related Articles
7 Reasons Why Your Husband May Have Lost Interest In You Sexually
11 Best Ways to Stop Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back
21 Icy Traits Of A Cold-Hearted Person
15. There’s really nothing you enjoy doing with him.
He used to make everything more enjoyable just by being there. You pictured him as your ideal traveling companion when you wanted to travel. When you wanted to curl up and watch a movie, he was the one you wanted on the sofa with you.
Now, you honestly can’t think of anything you enjoy doing together. And the last time you tried tackling a project together, the experience only drove you further apart.
16. You prefer not to involve him in things you enjoy
You don’t want to include him in any of your hobbies. At first, it was just about having something for yourself since you live with this man, and he seems always to be there. You wanted something you could enjoy alone.
It makes sense. He has his hobbies, too. But now, you actually prefer to do most (if not all) things you enjoy without him.
17. You tend to ignore his texts and voicemails.
If he calls or texts you while you’re apart, you seem more disappointed than anything when you see his messages or see his caller ID. And you’re far more likely to let his call go to voicemail—or leave his text unanswered.
Communicating with him isn’t a priority for you anymore. After all, the real communication you used to enjoy (or thought you had) with him is a relic of the past.
18. You feel annoyed when he calls you—or walks into the room.
All he has to do is call you (or send a text) or walk into the room to get your insides in a twist—and not the good kind. All you want is for him to hang up or to walk right back out.
He comes to mind, and you think, “I don’t think I even like him anymore.” Interacting with him just costs too much.
19. You see divorce as the only way to move on.
You don’t regret having your kids. And you don’t regret the good moments you and your husband did have together. Neither do you expect the road ahead to be easy.
But you’re excited by the prospect of what you might both have on the other side of divorce. You’re not scared anymore.
Divorce is the only path that holds any hope for you.
How do you know when you don't love your husband anymore?
When the idea of growing old with your husband leaves you feeling bereft of anything to look forward to (other than, perhaps, grandchildren), it’s time to re-evaluate your marriage.
Getting to the point where you can honestly say, “I don’t love my husband anymore,” or “I’m not in love with my husband,” might take some appointments with a trusted therapist or couple’s therapist.
Once you get there, it’s time to consider the next question.
What To Do When You Don't Love Your Husband Anymore
Now that you’ve faced the painful reality that you don’t love your husband the way spouses should love each other, what you do next is up to you.
Here are a few ideas to get you thinking of your options:
- Decide together whether couple’s counseling is worth your time;
- Discuss the possibility of divorce or separation and what’s involved;
- Discuss a time frame for the next steps you’ll make, together or separately.
If you don’t feel love for your husband, he deserves to know the truth, even if he hasn’t been the greatest partner over the years. It will be painful for both of you, but being honest will ultimately bring relief to both of you. He likely suspects how you feel anyway.
Now that you have a clearer idea of what you have and don’t have with your husband, which points stood out for you?
We’re not saying this won’t be a scary and sad time for you (likely for you both). Divorce is a huge step, and, like it or not, it’s generally easier in the U.S. to get married than to reverse the process. That said, we support your decision to do what you believe is best.
Is It Normal to Not Love Your Husband Anymore?
Experiencing fluctuations in love within a marriage is more common than many realize. Over time, relationships can undergo significant changes due to stress, life transitions, and personal growth, which can impact feelings of love.
It's normal for couples to face periods of emotional distance and disconnection. Acknowledging these feelings is a critical first step towards addressing the situation. It's essential to understand that love can evolve into different forms and that rekindling affection often requires effort, patience, and sometimes professional guidance.
Can a Marriage Survive Without love?
If you still feel a platonic love for your husband—but no romantic or erotic love—is that enough of a reason to stay together? After all, you made vows to each other way back when your relationship was still on training wheels.
You know, deep down, that unless you both have zero interest in ever having sex again, you want a marriage that includes it. And you want it to keep getting better as you grow closer together. If you can’t have that with your husband, you’re both better off moving on.
Final Thoughts
If there’s no love at all – well, that’s not a marriage or even a caring but sexless relationship. It’s just misery.
The fading of love towards a husband can stem from various root causes. It's crucial to approach this complex situation with introspection, open communication, and possibly professional guidance. Recognizing these challenges is the first step towards understanding one's feelings and needs, potentially paving the way for healing, personal growth, or making difficult but necessary decisions about the future of the relationship.