Financial Abuse: Are You Being Controlled And Manipulated With Money?

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In this post, you'll learn all about financial abuse warning signs.

Money makes the world go 'round.

It gives us the freedom to do what we want, buy what we need, and pursue our dreams.

Even if you're not wealthy, you have the ability to get a better job, earn more, spend and invest the way you see fit, and make your own financial decisions.

At least most of us do. But some of us don't.

Some of us are under the thumb of a financial tyrant, someone who uses money to keep us in place, control our freedoms, and make us feel insecure and useless.

Financial abuse is an all-too-real form of domestic abuse in which one partner takes all of the control of finances, making the other partner completely dependent. It often goes hand-in-hand with emotional abuse and physical abuse.

It is present in 98% of domestic violence cases, according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV).

This financial manipulator can be a man or a woman, but quite often you see this situation in relationships when the man is the main breadwinner and the woman stays at home or makes less money.

Gradually the breadwinning partner gains more and more control over the finances, especially if the other partner isn't comfortable with money or doesn't take interest in how it's managed.

But even the most financially savvy people can fall victim to the financial manipulator who uses intimidation, threats, and passive-aggressive behaviors to be the money master.

Some financial abusers are deadbeats who sit back and allow their partners to do all of the work while the abusers control the purse strings.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

If so, here are some signs of financial abuse to pay attention to:

Your partner insists on managing the bank accounts and doesn't give you access.

Your partner insists you are unable to manage money properly.

Your partner makes all of the financial decisions related to saving and investing.

man retrieving money from his wallet financial abuse

Your partner refuses to share what his or her income is.

Your partner hides money from you.

Your partner limits your spending or requires you to ask permission before spending.

Your partner puts you on an allowance or budget with cash only.

Your partner monitors your spending behind your back.

Your partner requires you to turn over receipts.

Your partner forces you to give him or her access to your bank accounts.

You are made to feel as though you don't have financial rights in the relationship.


Related: 21 Of The Most Heartbreaking Signs Of An Emotional Affair


Your partner steals money from you or your family.

Your partner doesn't work and forces you to pay all of the bills.

Your partner threatens you financially if you do something he or she doesn't like.

Your partner prevents you from working or going to school.

Your partner withholds resources from you like food, clothing, medications, etc. to punish or control you.

Your partner spends freely on him/herself but rarely on you.

Your partner forces you to turn over your paychecks or other income sources.

Your partner requires you to sign documents without explaining what they are.

Your partner forces you to agree to power of attorney so he or she can sign legal documents.

Your partner forces you to share your Social Security number, PIN numbers, and other identifying information.

Your partner threatens to leave the relationship and leave you without any financial resources.

If you are being financially abused by your partner, there are actions you can take to regain control of your life and your finances.

It may feel overwhelming and scary to address this problem directly with your partner or spouse, so the best thing you can do initially is to educate yourself and build some cash reserves in your own name.

Note: If you feel concerned for your safety, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

man holding a wad of cash financial abuse

Here are some steps you might consider taking:

Get access to financial and personal records.

Try to get a better picture of your financial situation and prepare yourself for the possibility of the relationship ending by making copies of your financial and personal records. Put these copies in a safe place where your abuser can't access them, like a safety deposit box in your name.


Related: 35 Disturbing Signs of Gaslighting In A Relationship


Include as many of these records as possible:

  • Birth certificates and Social Security cards for your whole family
  • Insurance cards for your whole family
  • Copies of checking account, savings account, and credit card numbers
  • Copies of any stock or mutual fund records
  • Loan or mortgage information
  • Your most recent credit report
  • Tax returns for the past two years;
  • Car title
  • Deed to your house or your rental lease
  • Retirement plan statements
  • Photos of  valuable assets like cars, jewelry, furnishings, etc.

Build a secret financial stash.

A financial abuser will try to keep you completely dependent on him or her for money. Without money, your options and resources for help are limited.

Open a checking account in your name only, and make sure that statements are not mailed to your home. Set up a security PIN number that your partner can't figure out.

If you can't open an account, keep any money you can save up with someone you trust.


Related: 12 Surprising Signs of Verbal Abuse


Earn extra money however you can — even a little income here and there can build up over time to help you seek assistance when you might need it.

Be creative and use all of your resources to figure out ways to earn and save money — whether it's selling crafts on eBay, babysitting, or doing some freelance writing online.

Ask to borrow money from trusted friends and relatives as a safety net.

Educate yourself financially.

If you aren't savvy with saving and investing, educate yourself. Not knowing how to access your money or manage it can keep you tethered to your financial abuser.

Don't allow a lack of knowledge to keep you in a position that sabotages your financial security, safety, and self-esteem. There is so much free information available online to help you.

Here's a list of some of the best basic personal financial management sites. Also, check out these free tools on financial empowerment that you can download right away.

man showing bills of money from his wallet financial abuse

Protect your existing accounts.

If your abuser is accessing your accounts and spending your money without your knowledge or agreement, take action to prevent him or her from doing this.

Contact your bank and credit card companies, and ask to have your account numbers changed, as well as your PIN numbers, passwords, and other access codes.


Related: The Hidden Barrier to Financial Security


Create passwords that are hard for your partner to guess, and put them in a place he or she can't access. Be sure you use a safe computer that your partner can't access.

If you are afraid your partner is opening accounts in your name or using your personal information without your knowledge, you can place a fraud alert with one of the three credits bureaus (who will inform the other two once it is placed).

You can also get a copy of your credit report from these bureaus to ensure your credit hasn't been impacted by your partner's actions.

Meet with an attorney to discuss your rights.

Use some of the money you've been saving or borrowing to meet with an attorney for a consult. A reputable divorce attorney can give you a better picture of your financial rights in your state (even if you decide not to end the relationship right away).

Explain how your partner or spouse is financially abusing you and what steps you can take to extricate yourself from this situation.

Inform others about your situation.

You may be covering up for your abuser because you are embarrassed or feel shame about the predicament you are in. But hiding the problem won't serve you well should the relationship end.

If you are considering ending the relationship, let police officials know about your situation with financial abuse (and any other type of abuse) so that a file and response will be ready when you need it.


Read Related: How to Cope With A Lack Of Empathy From Your Spouse


Make notes about the financial abuse and document what you can. Talk to a few trusted friends or family and show them what is going on so that you have witnesses who can vouch for you if necessary.

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The longer a financially abusive situation goes on, the harder it will be to reclaim your rights and salvage your financial security. Take action now to protect yourself and your money so you aren't left completely dependent on your abuser.

If taking action makes you fear for your physical safety, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 2 comments
  • Roy

    It feels like the list above can be misinterpreted. I do all four of these that are listed right at the top of the list.

    Your partner insists on managing the bank accounts and doesn’t give you access.

    Your partner insists you are unable to manage money properly.

    Your partner makes all of the financial decisions related to saving and investing.

    Your partner puts you on an allowance or budget with cash only.

    We are a one income family with one teen. My wife has taken the family credit card and gone on a spending spree to the tune of $500. I took her off that account. She took the business debt card and spent $2400 and when it came time to put the money back, she used borrowed money and only put $1700 back. She took the same card again and ran up $300 in personal charges. I had to lock that card down. She opened an account without my signature and I now have a letter from a law firm demanding $2000 to pay for the account. I put grocery money into her account and there are not groceries equal to the money. So I had to put gas money in the account and do the grocery shopping myself…she tells the teen I don’t make enough money, but when I buy the food, there is plenty. She won’t do a budget and refuses to work.

    But she looks at this list and says “you are being financially abusive and controlling.” I’m simply saying, if you want to be poor and have your days free to do what you want, fine. You have a car, car insurance, health insurance, gas money and food. I pay the bills and there is little to nothing left, and often nothing but unpaid bills left. You have not demonstrated a responsible attitude toward what it takes to run this home. You have never had been responsible for paying bills.”

    So this article needs to ask a question up front. “Are you being controlled or are you being responsible and carrying your weight in financial matters?” Staying home when a child is one thing, not being willing to play by sound financial rules is a problem. This article seems to be lacking in holding both parties accountable.

    Reply
      TruthSeeker

      There are usually always exceptions to the rule. This article is NOT about YOU, if you are being truthful. This article is about ACTUAL ABUSERS, and OTHER CRIMINALS who DEFRAUD their spouses, and oftentimes MURDER their spouses, although homicide was NOT mentioned in this particular article. If you are simply trying to prevent homelessness, and keep a roof over your head, then your wife should NOT be spending money she has not got. She needs a job, and other activities to keep her busy, as she may very well be addicted to shopping. There are several reasons for this, but I will not get into all that. Housing, and food are most important. Transportation is important too, but in many cases, public transportation is available, although a hassle. It may not be safe, but nothing is SAFE, not even owning your own car, and driving yourself. Cars should be used for EMERGENCIES ONLY, like when TIME is of up most importance. This saves gas money, wear, and tear, and you should have much lower auto insurance costs, with much less driving. My favorite insurance is Liberty Mutual. They are the BEST I have ever had, but I am totally without a car now, and that is quite a problem for me, at times, ESPECIALLY being disabled. Sounds like your wife may either have problems, or she just likes having nice things which neither of you can afford, depending on what she is spending the money on.

      Reply
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