If you've ever dealt with a narcissist, you know how draining and frustrating it can be. Their constant need for control and manipulation can leave you feeling powerless. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are 15 practical tactics you can use to shut down a narcissist effectively.
1. Disengage from Them
Don't be surprised when you are with a narcissist, and they become unreasonably angry over a seemingly minor annoyance. Don't try to reason with them or involve yourself in the situation. Think about the things that are in your control — and that's how you respond.
The only way a narcissist will realize that they might be in the wrong (or simply let something go) is if you refuse to engage and push back. Don't fall for their attempts to get you to agree with them or to bait you into an argument. Think before you speak and do not take the bait.
2. Don't Sink to Their Level
Narcissists thrive off of a good fight because they know how to push your buttons. When your buttons are pushed, you are probably tempted to fight back and defend yourself. However, once you fight back, you have lost control.
If you want to get around a jab from a narcissist, stay cool and don't have a reaction to the emotions around you. Stay in control of your actions and words because the narcissist will not be able to do this.
3. Don't Feed Their Ego
Narcissists have a pretty impressive sense of self. It is clearly inflated, but it is also unstable. If you give them too much undeserved verbal praise, you're reinforcing their belief that they are better than you and everyone else. Only give praise when you feel it is deserved and honest.
If you don't give a narcissist any of this fuel to work with, they won't use it against you or others when defending themselves.
4. Don't Accept Responsibility
If a narcissist is angry, let them be angry. They may try to make you feel the same anger and pain that they are feeling, but you can refuse to comply. If you accept the responsibility for their anger or emotions, you may end up doing whatever they want just to appease them.
Let the narcissist handle their own emotions and come to terms with them. They will eventually get over it or move on to another effort to satisfy their needs. They need to take personal responsibility instead of attributing their bad behavior to those around them.
5. Say “I'm Sorry You Feel that way.”
Narcissists think they know everything. When they are insulting you, they think they are completely right in their accusations. However, if you say, “I'm sorry you feel that way,” as they are trying to engage you, it will throw them off balance and give them nothing to push back against.
Their attempt at getting you to defend yourself has failed. Saying this will show them that the conversation is over, and you don't have a response.
6. Cut Their Psychic Cords
Narcissists think that they can engage you in their reality. They expect a reaction out of you when they push your buttons.
However, if you acknowledge their reality and tell them that you accept it, even though it is faulty, you are sending a strong message that you are not going to be manipulated. Nor are you going to offer the reaction that they expect.
7. Rise Above It
Always be the best, most authentic version of yourself. If someone tries to convince you that you've done something wrong or that you are a horrible person, don't try to retaliate or defend yourself.
Doing so only causes you to validate their accusations. If you don’t act in a way that the narcissist expects, they’re likely to give up and leave you alone.
8. Offer Compassion
Having compassion for someone who is narcissistic helps you remember that they are dealing with a mental issue that has nothing to do with you. You are dealing with a difficult or toxic person in what might be an abusive relationship.
Try to recognize the humanity of the narcissist because, despite their unpleasantness, they are in pain. Keep in mind that narcissists have a deep sense of insecurity and self-doubt. You don't have to be sympathetic about this, but you can be compassionate by not adding to their distress.
9. Be Vague
The attention you give to a narcissist is addictive for them. They will continue to look for that fix to help satisfy their ego. If you keep giving them what they want, they will continue to try to control you so you will meet their needs and wishes.
Keep all dialogue to a minimum. Don't talk to a narcissist unless you have to, and then keep things vague and superficial. Avoid interaction as much as possible, but don’t make a big deal out of it because it will give them ammunition against you.
10. Walk Away
The best way to shut down a narcissist is to walk away from them. If all else fails, you can physically remove yourself from the conversation. Even if they keep talking, simply turn around and walk away.
If they follow you, close the door. Put headphones on. Pick up your phone and call someone. These actions will force them to stop eventually.
11. Don't Try to Control Their Reality
If you recognize that you can only control yourself and your perception of things, you will be less likely to fight back against a narcissist. You can't challenge someone else's perception of you.
They will think whatever they choose to think about you no matter how much you fight against it. You will be able to shut down a narcissist easier if you can accept their faulty perceptions of you.
12. Avoid Giving Negative Attention
Narcissists love attention — either positive or negative. Receiving negative attention is a critical part of their ability to hold you accountable for their behavior.
Once you give them this kind of attention, they can hold it over your head. They need this kind of negative feedback from you to provide them with a reason to lash out and target you in return. If you are the closest person to the narcissist, you will automatically become the most reliable target.
13. Put Your Needs First
Narcissists make others feel guilty about being happy because they expect everyone to put the narcissist's happiness first. If you’re not constantly praising them or accepting their criticisms that make them feel superior, they won't be satisfied.
Keep your needs in the front of your mind to reduce the chance of a narcissist taking advantage of you. Set healthy boundaries that you are comfortable with to keep the distance that you need from the narcissist.
14. Keep Your Cool
Showing a narcissist that you’re upset reinforces their behavior. They see that they have power over you. They are encouraged by your strong reaction and look for other ways to elicit the same response from you.
Always try to keep a level head and keep your emotions to yourself. If you feel reactive, find a reason to walk away and end the conversation.
15. Force Them to Move On
If you want a narcissist's behavior to stop, you have to figure out what you are willing to deal with and what you aren't. Then you have to respond in the exact same way every time until the narcissist gets so bored with you that they drop it.
To shut down a narcissist, you have to know your “hot buttons” so you can diminish the power a narcissist may have had in the past and gain control over your emotional responses.