Clinging for Dear Life? 13 Desperate Attempts at Hysterical Bonding

When a relationship is on its last leg, the panic sets in. 

One or both partners desperately attempt to revive the bond through obsessive, emotionally charged behaviors – also known as hysterical bonding. 

But while it may seem like a valiant effort to save the relationship, this type of bonding is merely a band-aid over a gaping wound. 

In reality, hysterical bonding is a dysfunctional pattern that indicates a relationship's days are likely numbered. 

What is Hysterical Bonding?

Hysterical bonding often occurs in the aftermath of infidelity or betrayal.

When one partner discovers the other's transgression, it can trigger a desperate attempt to mend the relationship through frequent, emotionally charged interactions. 

couple sitting back to back on floor Hysterical Bonding

The unfaithful partner may hysterically bond by smothering their partner with attention and affection.

Meanwhile, the betrayed partner bonds by obsessively calling/texting and demanding reassurance. 

One or both can exhibit clingy, suffocating behaviors in a panicked fight to restore intimacy after it's been violated. This obsessiveness is a dysfunctional reaction that rarely saves the relationship long-term.

13 Desperate Signs of Hysterical Bonding

When hysterical bonding strikes, certain obsessive behaviors predictably emerge. Partners become abnormally fixated on spending time together and demonstrating affection at any cost. Here are 13 common signs that indicate a relationship has veered into the unhealthy territory of hysterical bonding:

1. Constant Texting and Calling 

The phone becomes a hysterical bonder's lifeline. You find yourself compulsively texting or calling your partner throughout the day. Every unanswered text or call breeds anxiety and desperation. Even when you do connect, the conversation is often vapid and pointless. 

For the hysterical bonder, constant contact provides the illusion of intimacy and security in the relationship. But in reality, it smothers your partner and only pushes them further away.

2. Smothering Clinginess

Do you insist on being together 24/7? Does the idea of solo activities make you panic? Clinginess stems from a profound fear of loss. Hysterical bonding clingers desperately try to hold on by keeping their partner under constant surveillance and monopolizing their time. 

This suffocating behavior only breeds resentment and withdrawal. True emotional intimacy requires personal autonomy and space. Your partner is not your oxygen supply.  

3. Living in the Past

Things will never be the same – the magic is gone. But hysterical bonding finds you obsessively reminiscing about the “good old days” with your partner. 

You incessantly flip through old cards, letters, photos, and mementos – as if emotional time travel to the past will change the present reality. Longing for a former connection is normal, but fixating on the past prevents you from facing the relationship's current crisis.

4. Jealousy and Paranoia 

Even the closest partners need outside friends and interests. But this abnormal bonding fuels intense jealousy and paranoia about any activity or person that doesn't include you. You interrogate your partner about texts, emails, and phone calls – irrationally suspicious about colleagues, friends, or family occupying their time. 

You monitor social media for clues and constantly seek reassurance about their commitment. Here's the hard truth: no amount of jealousy will make your partner want you. It only pushes them away and destroys trust.

5. Performing Over-the-Top Acts of Service

First comes the betrayal, then comes the hysterical bonding love bombing. To compensate for wrongdoing, the unfaithful partner may desperately try to win back their spouse through effusive acts of service. Breakfast in bed, surprises, gifts, pampering – nothing is too over-the-top. 

These displays offer only superficial connection. Real intimacy requires honest communication, accountability, and rebuilding fractured trust – not PR stunts.

6. Ritualistic Gift-Giving 

Hysterical bonding finds you showering your partner with gifts and cards for no occasion at all. It's not true generosity – it's transactional. You hope each offering will elicit reciprocal displays of love and dedication. 

couple outdoors man frustrated looking at phone Hysterical Bonding

Uncontrolled gifting becomes meaningless when done compulsively. It's rooted in deep insecurity and fear of abandonment rather than sincere appreciation. Don't let Hallmark cards become a substitute for hard conversations about the relationship.

7. Excessive Apologies 

“I'm sorry” loses its power when compulsively repeated. The hysterical bonder apologizes for every perceived misstep in hopes of preventing the partner from pulling away further. But if remorse is genuine, one heartfelt apology should suffice. 

Empty apologies repeated ad nauseam feel placating rather than sincere. They reveal the obsessive need for forgiveness and validation. True repentance gives space for the wounded to process it authentically.

8. Suffocating Togetherness 

You and your partner were once independent people with fulfilling lives outside the relationship. But hysterical bonding has you joined at the hip 24/7. You panic when apart and insist on constant togetherness – running errands, eating meals, watching TV. 

But this claustrophobic, symbiotic attachment provides only an illusion of closeness. In fact, it wires the brain for anxiety, depression, and codependency. People thrive on autonomy. Don't lose yourself or control your partner through suffocation. 

9. Demanding Constant Reassurance

The hysterical bonder needs constant validation. “Do you still love me? Are you happy? Will we be okay?” The questions never stop. You require continual reassurance about the relationship to soothe your profound abandonment fears. 

No amount of begging or bargaining creates emotional security. Your partner's patience wears thin. They cannot single-handedly restore trust or save the relationship. Your sense of self-worth must come from within.

10. Using Sex for Validation

When bonding hysterically, sex becomes less about intimacy and more about control. You use it to mark your territory and elicit temporary validation. But compulsive, emotionally detached sex provides only fleeting reassurance about the relationship. 

And it breeds resentment in partners who crave true connection. Don't use physical intimacy as an escape from difficult discussions or unresolved conflicts. The relationship requires openness and accountability to heal.

11. Verbal Abuse 

As desperation sets in, hysterical bonding can breed verbal cruelty. You lash out with insults, dig up past mistakes, and say things just to wound – all to provoke an emotional response from a withdrawn partner. 

But this abusive dynamic only inflicts deeper harm on the relationship. Degrading your partner for attention reinforces toxicity, contempt, and resentment on both sides. Verbal abuse is never justified, no matter how emotionally abandoned you feel.

12. Stalking and Snooping 

Has your partner withdrawn emotionally? You may be tempted to stalk or snoop to stay hyper-aware of their activities. You dig through their texts, emails, and call logs. Drive by their workplace or “accidentally” show up at places they frequent. 

Compulsive tracking destroys trust in relationships. It reveals your own deep insecurities. True intimacy requires mutual respect, privacy, and psychological safety. Don't become a detective – become emotionally self-aware. 

13. Physical Violence

In severe cases, this unhealthy bonding can escalate to physical abuse. You desperately provoke arguments to force interaction. When destructive behavior fails to get a response, violence erupts. 

Abuse is NEVER acceptable or excusable. If someone bonds through violence, the relationship is past broken. Seek help and safely exit the situation. You deserve a relationship grounded in empathy and free from all forms of abuse.

Why Do People Engage in Hysterical Bonding?

When relationships show cracks, hysterical bonding represents a frantic attempt to cling to the remnants of connection. What compels partners to engage in these desperate behaviors? Here are the key drivers:

Loss of control – As intimacy fades, hysterical bonding manifests as a grasping attempt to micromanage a partner’s attention. Controlling behaviors try to regain a sense of influence over the relationship’s fate. 

Fear of abandonment – With emotional distance comes profound abandonment fears. Hysterical bonding aims to smother partners into staying through clinginess and guilt.

Anxiety relief – The partner’s presence provides anxiety relief. They become addicted to constant togetherness as an emotional security blanket.

Relationship addiction – Like any addiction, this type of bonding offers only temporary relief. In the absence of core trust, bonding behaviors provide a quick but unsustainable attachment “fix.”

Denial – This unhealthy bonding allows partners to deny the true depth of relationship issues. They avoid difficult confrontations through fantasy bonding.

Nostalgia – Partners long for the past when connection seemed effortless. It tries to recreate former intimacy through desperation.

Forbidden Fruit – After infidelity, the unfaithful partner may become more desirable simply because they are now “forbidden fruit.” Their betrayal can perversely increase their appeal. The betrayed partner then tries to reclaim exclusive access to the newly tantalizing but unfaithful partner.

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How Can I Stop Hysterical Bonding After Cheating? 

Nothing can prepare you for the utter devastation of discovering a partner's disloyalty. Your impulse may be to cling obsessively in hopes of saving the relationship. But hysterical bonding only prolongs the pain after infidelity. Here are some essential ways to avoid frantic clinginess and start the healing process:

Cut off contact completely, at least temporarily. 

This means no texts, phone calls, social media stalking, or accidentally showing up places they go. Creating physical and emotional space removes your unfaithful partner's influential presence as you process the traumatic betrayal. 

It gives you time to reflect without their voice or demands clouding your judgment. Removing contact also empowers you to set boundaries and expectations if you eventually reconcile.

Seek empathetic support. 

Confide in trusted friends and family about the infidelity. Their compassion and perspective provide comfort when you feel alone and stunned. 

Join a support group, either in-person or online, to share your story with others who have experienced betrayal. Knowing you aren't alone normalizes your emotional chaos. Supportive people will listen without judgment and offer grounded insight on your options moving forward.  

Resist excessive blaming and vilifying. 

Certainly, your partner alone is responsible for betraying your trust and the relationship. However, relentlessly attacking their character and building up hatred actually keeps you stuck in a victim mentality. 

Obsessive mental bargaining and blaming distort your view of reality. It prevents honest processing of what occurred.

Make self-care a top priority. 

Focus intently on sleep, nutrition, exercise, and soothing rituals like hot baths, massages, or nature walks. 

Caring for your physical body helps calm the nervous system and soothe difficult emotions like anxiety, depression, rage, shame, or despair after betrayal trauma. Reconnect with activities that make you feel empowered, creative, and grounded.

Let emotions flow through you fully. 

Stuffing down feelings prevents true healing. Give yourself permission to authentically feel and express anger, sadness, grief, resentment, and other emotions as they arise. 

Journal about your inner experience, create art or music to process the betrayal or talk with a counselor. Fully feeling the emotions helps release their intensity so you can regain equilibrium.  

Establish clear boundaries if you reconcile. 

If you choose to salvage the relationship, set explicit expectations for earning back trust through accountability, honest communication, and changed behavior. 

Maintain zero tolerance for emotional abuse, gaslighting, or continued lying. Don't compromise your self-worth or boundaries out of desperation to revive the relationship.

Commit to personal growth. 

Explore this opportunity for post-traumatic growth. Study resources on healing from infidelity, attachment theory, and relationship skills. 

Consider how you may have ignored red flags or lost parts of yourself in the relationship. Reclaim your needs, interests, values, and dreams. Let the hurt catalyze positive change.

Seek professional counseling. 

A therapist specializing in recovery from betrayal and trauma can provide essential support. 

They help you process confusing emotions objectively, identify dysfunctional patterns, rebuild shattered self-worth, and decide if the relationship is worth salvaging. You need guidance from an expert, unbiased source.

Can Hysterical Bonding Be a Good Thing?

In moderation, some bonding behaviors may play a role in recovering from infidelity or crisis. But the key is keeping them limited and purposeful.

Here are some ways hysterical bonding can potentially benefit relationships when used constructively:

  • Channeling intense emotions productively. Allowing some mutual venting of sadness and anger can release built-up feelings between partners. This clears the air for rational problem-solving.
  • Reigniting stalled sex lives. Increased sexual frequency may renew partners' physical attraction and intimacy after emotional distance.
  • Appreciating positive moments. Spending more quality time together reminds partners of the good in their connection when it's obscured by problems.
  • Identifying issues. Obsessive behaviors highlight relationship insecurities to be explored. Partners can discuss underlying roots like unmet needs or attachment styles.
  • Sparking change. A relationship crisis can motivate partners to actively strengthen their bond through better communication, empathy, and commitment. Hysterical bonding represents a desperate cry for help.

The key is maintaining self-control. Don't allow obsessiveness to consume you. Use moments of intense bonding to heal, not avoid. Ensure it spurs openness and growth. Monitor excessive behaviors with self-awareness.

Are Trauma Bonds and Hysterical Bonding the Same Thing?

Though related, trauma bonds and hysterical bonding differ in key ways. A trauma bond refers to an emotional attachment to an abusive or exploitative person. It forms as a coping mechanism to endure ongoing mistreatment. 

Trauma bonding is driven by intermittent reinforcement – periods of abuse mixed with affection or remorse. This dynamic conditions strong attachment, even addiction. 

Hysterical bonding is a frantic clinging reaction to a relationship in crisis. It manifests through obsessive behaviors aimed at desperately restoring intimacy. While dysfunctional, this type of bonding does not involve the chronic psychological manipulation seen in trauma bonds.

How Long Does Hysterical Bonding Last?

Hysterical bonding represents a desperate last stand to save a dying relationship. How long do these obsessive behaviors last?

  • Days to weeks. In milder cases, both partners regain perspective within a few weeks, and these behaviors fade.
  • Months. When significant hurts have occurred, obsessive bonding may persist for months until underlying issues are processed.
  • Years. In dysfunctional relationships with chronic bonding patterns, hysteria continues in repeated cycles over the years.
  • Indefinitely. If both partners are emotionally unstable, hysterical bonding becomes the norm. The relationship exists in a perpetual state of chaos and obsession.

The duration depends on the extent of damage and each partner's emotional health. In healthier people, hysterical bonding is usually temporary. But without self-awareness, obsessive behaviors become entrenched. The solution is addressing the root insecurities fueling the hysteria. This helps partners relax their grip and rebuild true intimacy.