The odds are pretty high that you and those you live and work with communicate differently.
Some of you like to handle things right away. Others need to sit on them for a while. Maybe you prefer to talk through an issue, and your boss wants to think through it first, then talk. Sometimes it feels like you and those close to you speak different languages.
Positive and productive communication between couples, friends, and work associates is more about mutual respect and a willingness to make sure each person feels heard and understood.
It’s about talking and listening in a way that is kind, flexible, and considerate.
Different communication styles only become a problem when the people involved don’t accept and respect their differences and fail to accommodate one another.
When one person views their own style as the “right way” and the other person’s style as the “wrong way,” then you’ve reached an impasse before you even begin talking.
Accepting that one communication style isn’t necessarily better than another is the first step in learning how to communicate better with everyone in your circles.
Communication involves written, verbal, and non-verbal forms. For now, we’re discussing how you prefer to share and receive information through language — your conversational style.
4 Communication Styles in Relationships:
Most couples do have different communication styles. Gender, age, upbringing, education, cultural differences, personality type, past relationship history, and many other factors come in to play when it comes to how we communicate.
But did you know that you and your partner can communicate differently and still have a healthy, happy relationship?
Healthy communication doesn't require that you share information or handle conflict exactly the same way. In fact, it's often our differences that make us more interesting and attractive to another person.
One of the best ways to improve your relationship is by learning more about your partner’s communication style, as well as your own. Here are four types of communication styles you might recognize.
1. Amplifier and Condenser Communication Style
A common communication difference is the style of the “amplifier” and that of the “condenser.”
These terms were coined by author and psychologist Dr. Norman Wright who says an amplifier is “someone who communicates by sharing what they have to say in great volumes of details.”
A condenser is one “who is most comfortable sharing little more than what is absolutely necessary.”
He goes on to say that, “Amplifiers give a number of descriptive sentences as they talk, while condensers give one or two sentences. In approximately 70 percent of marriages, the man is the condenser and the woman is the amplifier.” You may recognize yourself and your partner as one of these types of communicators.
As an amplifier, you may feel frustrated that your condenser spouse doesn’t talk more about thoughts and feelings and doesn’t share enough detail. You may feel isolated or cut out.
A condenser may feel overwhelmed and flooded with all of the information the amplifier shares. Too many words feel distracting and unnecessary.
The solution: Amplifiers can practice abbreviating their thoughts and explanations when they verbalize them to their condenser partner.
They can write out their thoughts and extract the key points to verbalize or talk it out with another amplifier before conversing with their condenser partner.
Condensers can make more of an effort to verbalize thoughts and feelings with the amplifier partner, knowing that sharing more will create connection and intimacy.
2. Competitive and Affiliative Communication Style
Another communication style difference is “competitive versus affiliative.” If you have a more affiliative style, you want to bring people together to work out problems.
When a decision needs to be made, you're likely to bring your partner into the decision-making process and ask his or her opinion before you decide.
If you are an affiliative communicator, you tend to prefer a more collaborative style of communication. You may see direct challenges and open disagreements as too aggressive and hostile.
A competitive communicator is more oriented toward power, competition, and dominance in their communication style. Their conversations tend to be more assertive and challenging, and they prefer to make decisions on their own without much or any input from others.
The solution: Affiliative communicators can feel wounded when they aren't offered the same cooperative communication process by their partner.
They should ask their competitive partners in advance of a discussion to share and discuss an issue in a more harmonious way.
Even so, the competitive partner's natural reaction is to be assertive and singularly decisive, so understanding and acceptance of this style can help ease any sting.
The competitive partner will do well to temper his or her natural desire to go it alone and openly challenge their partner. They can learn to listen and invite feedback before expressing their thoughts, even if it feels like a waste of time.
3. Direct and Indirect Communication Style
There are two basic ways spouses communicate what they need: either directly or indirectly.
One of you might be very direct, and when you want, need, or feel something, you have no problem coming right out and saying it.
The direct partner might say, “I want you to quit your job and find one that pays more.” There is little room for misunderstanding with this statement.
However, one of you might be more indirect and will hold back on saying exactly what you want, need, or feel.
You might say it in a more round-about, vague way. For example, this partner might say, “I’m wondering if there’s a job out there that might pay you more.”
This example is nothing more than a statement without conveying a need or a want. Your partner could just as easily miss the underlying message you’re trying to convey.
Depending on the situation, we all use both direct and indirect forms of communication, but most people lean toward one style or another.
Direct communicators are rarely misunderstood, but they can risk offending their partners. Indirect communicators rarely offend, but there is more risk for misunderstanding. Indirect communicators might use passive-aggressive communication when they feel upset or angry.
When these two different communicators are in a relationship, there’s greater opportunity for tension and stress.
The solution: Direct communicators need to remember that their words can potentially wound or offend their partner.
If they are communicating about a sensitive topic, they should choose their words carefully and maybe run them by another less direct person before sharing them with their partner.
Being too direct or using less-than-kind words (even if not intended to wound) can shut down communication.
The partner who is more indirect needs to learn how to say exactly what they mean without beating around the bush.
This may feel uncomfortable for someone who doesn't like to put it all out there, but with practice, you can learn how to speak your mind without being harsh or insensitive.
4. Hot and Cold Communication Style
During conflict or serious conversations, there are often two ways you will approach the situation. The partner who uses a “hot style” wants to engage right away, to put the issue out there and get it done.
If the problem isn’t resolved immediately, this partner feels anxious, distressed, or preoccupied.
The partner with the “cold style” doesn’t do well with this intense and immediate approach. He or she needs time to think things through, but not in the heat of the moment.
This partner prefers to halt the conversation and return to it later after reflection and a cooling-off period.
The solution: The hot style communicator feels immense pressure to relieve the tension, but he or she can learn to step back, take a deep breath, and give the other partner time to process their emotions.
The cold style communicator needs to respect how much anxiety it creates for their hot style partner to delay communicating. It can make things much worse if you intentionally hold out too long.
If you need time to process, acknowledge your partner's need to work it out right away, but let him or her know you need some time. Then offer a specific time when you can come back together to talk so your partner knows what to expect.
These are just some of the ways partners differ in communication styles.
As I mentioned before, you both have adopted various ways of communicating based on so many different factors. And it’s likely you’ve both adopted some communication behaviors and patterns that are unhealthy for your relationship.
The goal here is to learn to respect and honor your differing preferences when it comes to communication while ensuring that you don’t communicate in ways that harm, wound, or offend your partner.
You also want to identify the negative communication patterns you may have developed over the years that have become unconscious habits — habits that are undermining your love and closeness.
Communication Styles in the Workplace
Communication styles do have some crossover in your personal and professional lives. Your personality dictates some of the innate ways you tend to communicate in all settings.
However, communication styles in the workplace also include skills you have learned over time that work for you in this more formal setting and as required by the culture of your organization.
Interpersonal communication (with family, friends, kids, etc.) is much less formal and more intimate and relational. The way you speak to your spouse (both positively and negatively) isn't usually the way you communicate at work.
Let's look at four styles of communication commonly used in work settings. Review these styles to see how you act in the majority of your communications.
1. Active Communicator
- Direct and animated
- Quick to make decisions
- Uses language for impact
- Speaks and acts confidently
- Jumps in to fill pauses and silences
2. Logical Communicator
- Has strong opinions
- Uses language of extremes
- Practical and reliable
- Likes frameworks
- Needs goals and evidence
- Has a logical approach
- Intuitive, relies on feelings
- Pauses before talking
- Seeks data and facts
- Thinks before speaking
- Less concerned with emotions
You may find that you have elements of two or more of these communication styles which gives you a broader range of skills depending on your workplace environment and expectations.
Even if you are mostly one of these styles, you can develop and enhance your communication skills by testing your ability to adapt to your workplace culture and push the boundaries of your typical style.
Using the DiSC Model to Understand Your Communication Style
If you want to delve further into your own communication style, you can do so by using the DiSC profile assessment. The assessment is based on the theory of psychologist William Moulton Marston, which focuses on four different personality traits.
These four traits include:
Dominance – direct, strong-willed and forceful
Influence – sociable, talkative and lively
Steadiness – gentle, accommodating and soft-hearted
Conscientiousness – private, analytical and logical
The assessment measures your patterns of behavior which influence how you communicate. Your personal strengths and weaknesses are reflected in the way you communicate with others.
Your DiSC profile can be a lifesaver when it comes to improving your communication with others.
It helps you know how to adapt your comments and responses to the DiSC communication style of the person you're speaking with, as well as recognize how your behavior patterns might be negatively impacting your communication.
What are your communication styles?
I hope the information and strategies in this post help you recognize your own way of communicating and better understand those who live and work around you.
When you acknowledge that another person has a style different than yours, you realize they aren't being difficult, illogical, or unfeeling. They simply approach communication differently.
This awareness can make a huge difference in how you get along with others and helps you to appreciate how others might perceive you in a conversation.
Communication challenges are so common. In fact, they are the number one challenge people face in all relationships.
Would you be willing to help others better understand communication? Please share these communication styles on your preferred social media platform.