What Is A Demisexual? 5 Signs You May Be One

I’ll never forget a conversation I had with a demisexual friend years ago.

At the time, I didn’t know she was demisexual. I didn’t even know what a demisexual was.

But I did know that, unlike most of my other friends, she didn’t display obvious sexual attraction towards anyone of any gender.

Until she met John, that is.

I remember she wouldn’t stop talking about John.

She would go on and on about his amazing qualities — how smart and kind he was and how he looked so much like a Hollywood star. As she gushed, “He’s almost too perfect to be true.”

Of all the things she said, however, one stood out.

“You know,” I said, putting down my cup of coffee, “I noticed you keep describing John as a ‘good friend’ over and over.”

“Yes,” she replied thoughtfully, twirling a spoon into her coffee, “because we are good friends.”

I almost slammed my coffee cup on the table. “Are?”

“Yes, we ‘are’ good friends,” she repeated. “What’s wrong with that?”

I didn’t reply. I wanted to point out that “friends” and “lovers” aren’t the same thing, but I had a feeling she’d be offended.

She seemed to sense my discomfort, because she said, “Ah, I’m a demisexual, you see.”

Thankfully, I resisted the urge to say “What?” outright.

Instead, I got the conversation going with, “I’m not very familiar with the term ‘demisexual,’ to be honest. But I’d love to hear more about what it’s like from you!”

Fortunately for me, she chose not to be offended or at least to ignore my discomfort at her revelation. As our conversations about the subject deepened, this is what I gathered about being a demisexual.

What is a demisexual? Here are some of the signs:

According to Asexuality.org, demisexuals only feel sexual attraction towards people with whom they already have a strong emotional connection.

That emotional connection isn’t necessarily romantic; in fact, it’s more common for demisexuals to be attracted to their friends before anyone else.

Most of the time, however, demisexuals don’t feel sexual attraction — which is why they’re said to fall under the asexuality spectrum.

Here are some other signs you might be a demisexual:

1. You don’t put as much importance on sex as others do.

It’s not that you don’t like sex or think it’s wrong. It’s just that, for the most part, you don’t see the point of doing it.

Why get physically intimate with someone when you can simply share lively conversations with each other?

Why use someone else for your sexual pleasure, when you can please yourself on your own? And why do people talk like having sex is the pinnacle of existence?

These are some of the questions that bother you as a demisexual. You’re not sure how to explain not wanting sex to people who’ve wanted it for most of their adult lives.

Engaging in conversations about the subject makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable.

2. You are primarily attracted to someone’s personality, as opposed to their looks.

There are two types of attraction: primary and secondary. Primary attraction is what you feel for someone based on their looks and other qualities you can easily discern.

Secondary attraction, on the other hand, is based on someone’s personality and how well you connect with that person.

As a demisexual, you aren’t necessarily incapable of primary attraction.

On the contrary, you’ve had your fair share of crushes at first sight. Like many people, you appreciate the way an actor runs his hands through his hair or the way an actress tilts her mouth up when she laughs.

However, you don’t hit on random strangers just because you find them “hot.” In fact, you hardly use the word “hot” to describe people.

You are far more interested in what’s behind the pretty face. Chemistry for you is an intriguing personality.

3. You prefer to befriend, rather than flirt.

Since you’re more likely to be attracted to someone based on their secondary qualities, your romantic relationships usually start out as friendships.

After all, you already know your friends like the back of your hand. To you, the idea of dating people within hours — or even months — after meeting them is unthinkable.

Also, the word “flirting” is not in your vocabulary. You are not a flirter, and you wonder why other people do it. Often you’re oblivious to (and uncomfortable with) people who try to flirt with you.

You’d rather that lovers get to know you first before they begin acting flirtatious and romantic.

4. When you are sexually attracted to someone, you’re either confused or single-minded.

Because you don’t feel sexual attraction very often, you struggle when you do feel it.

When you get a strange, fluttery feeling around someone, it confuses you.

How do you act on the feeling? Is it okay to have sex with a special someone, even if you two are already good friends?

How do you even start with sexual intercourse? Do you need to have sex in the first place?

Why not just show someone how much you love them based on what you do for them every day, rather than focusing on how skilled you are in the bedroom?

Once you realize you’re in love, you also realize one other thing: you can’t imagine being in love with anyone else other than that person.

If you’re being honest with yourself, that’s more terrifying than anything else you’ve ever experienced in your life.

5. You’ve been called “prudish,” “old-fashioned,” or similar words.

Most people think you’re demisexual by choice. They think you’re old-fashioned and want to wait until marriage before having sex.

You’re often teased and told things like, “It’s the 21st century for goodness sake. You don’t have to wait for a marriage license.”

In reality, you just don’t feel compelled to seek out “the one” in the first place.

You’re also fully aware of the fact that anyone can sleep with anyone else, regardless of gender, religion, or marital status.

Still that doesn’t change the fact that you just can’t turn on sexual attraction like a switch, no matter how much everyone else thinks you should.

You are not alone as a demisexual. There are others like you who understand wanting a deeper emotional connection before getting sexually involved with someone.

Remember that regardless of your sexuality, you deserve to have love, care, and understanding — not only from others but also from yourself.

Are you a demisexual, or know someone who is? How do you feel about it? Share your thoughts with us in the comments.

10 thoughts on “What Is A Demisexual? 5 Signs You May Be One”

  1. I have no sexually feelings for both sexes because I don’t see why I should have sex,be romantic and flirt with a guy or a Lady.And I feel uncomfortable when guys try to flirt with me.I try going into several relationships but what the guys say is am not romantic and do I have feelings at all because I turn all things off relating to him touching me,kissing or sex and I hardly express my feelings out.I don’t know the kind of person I am and hope you would help me out.Thank you

  2. I didn’t know what to call it until today so I thank you for clarifying my sexuallity for me, makes me feel a lot less discomfort with myself, always thought something was wrong with me, been experimenting with myself to figure myself out and it’s been a confusing time, I’ve come to learn I love attention from either sex, but I dont necessarily wanna have sex with either, I prefer women and I make that clear now, but it really does get confusing and emotionally hard for me to open up due to the whole falling in love situation being so gut wrenchingly terrifying

    • There is someone for everyone and although it takes times to find the right person you can truly confide in, I hope you find that person soon. Everyone deserves to be happy on their own terms!

  3. As I began to understand what love is, I couldn’t ever imagine falling for someone without being their friend first. Personally, the idea of being in love with my best friend is far more appealing than bumping into a stranger and looking into their eyes to see glitters and sparkles. When I was a teenager, I didn’t understand sexual stuff and while all my friends had partners who weren’t their best friends or friends beforehand, I was so confused. I never understood why people would fall for someone without getting to know them like the back of your hand first. I thought I was weird and was desperately trying to find a way to explain my sexual orientation (I used to think I was straight but as I grew older I began to realise I’m not limited to gender which made me think I was bisexual or pansexual but even then, those labels couldn’t quite fit me well enough.) I’m glad I stumbled upon this page while researching on different sexualities. It’s honestly so interesting to discover things and solve mysteries about yourself.

  4. I feel as though this article tho it can be helpful for some is also a turn off. There are too many rules I find saying a demisexual is like “this”. Which honestly isn’t the case. It frustrating because after for so long thinking something was wrong with me I finally came across the term demisexual and found peace that I’m not the only one like this. However, this article lacks the fact that demisexuality is more broad. Probably the main thing I’d like to clarify for others is that while sex is not a priority it’s also not uncomfortable for everyone to talk about or imagine with the idea of a person whom you’re emotionally attracted and in tune with. An almost obvious point is we are most definitely attracted to personality as a primary and looks as a secondary but like with any given individual initial attraction does take place. Finally, you’re not limited to only falling for your long time friends but establishing some type of friendship as a foundation is usually key. Oh and you can be a hetero, homo or bi demisexual.

  5. I’m still a little confused. Most of the above applies to me, like feelings-wise. I’ve never been interested in sex much but I do want to experience it at some point, with the right person. But I’m also the kind of person who DOES want to wait until marriage. That’s always been a big deal for me- I would never sleep with someone who isn’t my marital spouse. Does that make me demisexual, old-fashioned, or perhaps it just means I have a different moral compass?

  6. When I was in high I had feeling I was bisexual because I had found man and women attractive and blushed much. But when I started my first year of college, I had like shiver through my spine and uncomfortable sense whenever I around men.

    Whenever I around women(depending on the person) , I feel safe and well being in some way like I can be myself without having someone forced me to something I not comfortable in .

    Later on, I have lost interest in men like I can be friends with them but I don’t want to be in relationship with them or have sex with them.

    What does this make me? I been stuck between bisexual and lesbian. my mom did say to me that I need to be sure before I say something.

    • You don’t need a label, you just find someone to share a bit (or all) of your life with and love them. That’s it. If you’re with a man you’ll be perceived as straight and if you’re with a woman you’ll be perceived as lesbian, but in the end the label won’t mean anything-just the person. 🙂

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