What to say and do to a narcissist to make them crazy.
If you’ve been in a relationship with one, you know how much a narcissist can wound and confound you. But sometimes you just need to beat them at their own game for your own sense of empowerment.
Maybe they deserve a taste of their own medicine to see you won't take it lying down anymore. Here's what to say and do to a narcissist to make them feel some of the pain they've inflicted on you.
1. Ignore their petty comments.
The narcissist will say whatever they consider necessary to get the reaction they want from you. Don’t take the bait.
When you react with anger or remorse, they can use those emotions against you, even if their only goal is to make you feel small or stupid. If they can destroy your peace, they’ve won that battle.
2. Tell them you’ll be consulting an expert.
You want to see a narcissist turn every known shade of red, tell them you’ve decided to consult a real expert rather than rely on their “expert” assumption.
If they don’t have real expertise in a particular area, and you need real answers, you have a right to consult sources with real authority. Just don’t expect a narcissist to put their ego aside and support your search for knowledge.
3. Rely on factual information.
The narcissist is so confident they know better about most things, and they want you to believe that as firmly as they do. If you counter their declarations with objective, factual information that contradicts them, you can expect them to be displeased.
According to a narcissist, their “expert opinion” should be enough for you. That you would question it and even offer evidence to prove them wrong is an egregious offense.
4. Make decisions without asking for their advice.
Even if the decision is yours to make — and even if it doesn’t affect them — the narcissist expects you to want their advice or their approval before making it. And they’ll want your decision to match their idea of what you should do (whatever the cost).
If you’ve relied on a contradictory source of information or advice, they’ll have steaming coming out of their ears.
5. Tell them “No.”
Sometimes, the best response to a narcissist is a simple “No.” You don’t have to explain yourself or justify that “No” if you know it’s the right call. The narcissist may demand an explanation, but they’re not entitled to one.
Keep calm, give a clear and firm “No,” and stand your ground. They’ll be angry, and they may try to argue the point and exhaust your resolve. You’re within your rights to walk away.
6. Set boundaries and enforce them.
Narcissists don't empathize with others, and any boundaries you set with them feel like an insult. Find a way to attach consequences to those boundaries so they know you mean business.
They’ll either disregard the boundaries, threaten you if you try to enforce them, or pretend to recognize their transgression and promise to change — which they then won’t bother to do.
7. Implement real consequences for violating those boundaries.
Decide on real consequences for those who violate your personal boundaries. And don’t let the narcissist get away with it — even if they swear up and down they simply “forgot.”
No one who loves and respects you will forget your boundaries. With the narcissist, your trust takes a back seat to their control over you. Spell out the consequences. Then, at the first violation, put them into effect.
8. Keep your own company.
Narcissists can’t understand why you wouldn’t prefer their company to everyone else’s — including your own. Plan a relaxing day for yourself, and (if they know about it) they’ll try to convince you to spend that time with them instead — doing what they want to do.
Stand your ground and do your own thing, alone or with someone else. Even politely declining their invitation will probably offend them. But that’s not on you.
9. Find your sense of humor.
Sometimes a narcissist's behavior is so petty, childish, and boorish that it's almost funny. Almost. But try to keep your sense of humor when this person acts out. It will drive them crazy.
Smile and chuckle when they behave badly or say something like, “That's so funny,” when they make a ridiculous comment or criticism. By doing this, you'll throw them off balance because humor is the last thing they want to provoke in you.
10. Save your energy for your own pursuits.
Don’t give them a chance to sap your energy to feed their own. The narcissist will try to engage you in battles over how you spend your time (or money) and with whom, as well as what decisions and changes you make.
Your energy is your own to spend. Don’t let the narcissist spend it for you on pointless arguments and power plays. Decline their invitation to debate, and walk away.
11. Detach from the trauma bond.
Even negative attention from you is more to their liking than no attention at all. They can use negative emotions like anger, guilt, or fear to strengthen the trauma bond and keep you under their control. If you walk away, they get nothing.
Talk to someone who can help you disengage the narcissist’s hold on you and break free from the trauma bond. Then take action to reclaim your identity and enjoy it.
12. Refuse to accept blame for their words and actions.
If you allow them, the narcissist will blame their negative emotions on you. And if you’ve crossed them in some way, any bad things that happen are most likely your fault, too.
Call them out for this, and they’ll try to blame you for that, too. But their inability to accept responsibility doesn’t obligate you to accept their blame, nor does it make you responsible for the way they’re feeling.
13. Disregard their attempt to get a reaction from you.
The narcissist will always try to get an emotional reaction from you. Once they know your triggers, they won’t hesitate to use them. Once you lose your temper, they can play the victim and get people to turn against you.
Don’t let them. The calmer you are and the less you react, the less control they have. Narcissists can't stand being ignored or invisible to the people they want to control. Keep that in mind when they up the ante and do something extreme (even for them).