If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it’s easy to become comfortable and fall into a rut when it comes to your sex life.
Complacency in the bedroom can lead to boring sex, and this issue can impact the overall health of your relationship.
If your sex life is boring, it will either cause frustration and resentment, or it's the result of something else going on between the two of you that needs to be addressed.
Let's look at a few things you should be doing to avoid boring sex and talk about possible explanations for the origin of your problem.
How Not to Be Boring in Bed
Start with communication.
If you want to spice up your sex life, you and your partner need to spice up your communication.
That means acknowledging the issue, talking about it together, and openly discussing your concerns without shaming or blaming each other.
Talk about the ways the two of you can change things up so sex doesn't seem like just “going through the motions” but rather an exciting adventure in exploring what you both enjoy.
Related Posts: 4 Common Communication Styles In Love Relationships
Prepare for novelty.
Buy some new lingerie. Take the time to set the mood in the room with candles and music. Maybe even take a bath or shower together before the big event.
You can add to the buildup during the day by sending your partner some sexy texts that suggest what the two of you may enjoy that night.
You can also turn the focus on your foreplay routine and try a different method. Or, if you often skip foreplay altogether, get back into it!
Try new positions and activities.
Try out some new positions and communicate with your partner what feels good. If you're not sure what to try, there are plenty of books and online articles that offer explicit instructions.
If your partner suggests something that you are unsure of, just take it slow. If it makes you uncomfortable, speak up and you can stop.
But, you never know, you might discover that you like something that you never imagined that you would. Just be open to new ideas and don't knock anything until you try it.
Don't be location dependent.
Another way to add some excitement to your sex life is to change where you do it.
You don't always have to have sex in a bed — you can try it in the shower, the laundry room, the kitchen, or any other room in the house.
If you haven't been doing any of these things, there is a chance your sex life is getting pretty boring, which may also be negatively impacting your relationship in other ways. Read on to find out why this might be happening.
15 of The Most Glaring Reasons for Boring Sex
1. You have fallen into a routine.
If both you and your partner know that Saturday night is always sex night, you have succumbed to a boring routine that is reinforcing boring sex.
Be spontaneous with when you have sex and do it when you feel the urge, not when it is the next thing on your “to-do” list.
Meet at home in the middle of the day for a quickie, or surprise your partner when they are least expecting it.
If your kids are happy in front of a movie, steal your partner away for a little while. Be a bit more impulsive with the timing of your sex.
2. You avoid communicating about sex.
Has your sex with your partner remained pretty much the same since the first time you got together?
If you can predict the next move in your sex routine, it is time to start switching it up a bit and trying some new things.
You may have gotten into this rut because you are uncomfortable talking about sex or taking the initiative to change things up.
Getting past this discomfort is necessary if you want to maintain your physical and emotional intimacy. You need to nurture your sex life as much as any other part of your relationship.
If you need some ideas to break the ice, do a quick Google search or pick up a magazine in the grocery store checkout line that promises to make your sex life amazing again.
If you want some real inspiration, watch some adult films to see what kind of things they come up with.
Related Post: Journal Your Ways to More Love and Intimacy
3. You aren't attracted to your partner anymore.
If the passion and chemistry in your relationship are nonexistent, it will definitely impact your sex life.
If you and your partner fight a lot, and you are holding onto a lot of resentment, you may need to address the deeper issues with counseling or consider moving on from the relationship.
Even if you get along and care about your partner, a lack of chemistry can make sex clumsy and stilted.
Without being physically attracted to your partner, you are going to have a hard time enjoying satisfying sex. It becomes more of a chore as you try to muster up the passion that is clearly missing from your connection.
4. You are too busy and don't prioritize sex.
Your sex life is definitely boring if you literally aren't having any.
If you find that your schedule is always conflicting with your partner's, and you are putting sex on the back burner, you are certainly not experiencing any excitement.
You have to make sex a priority. It is a very important part of the close bond you share with your partner, and you don't want to allow the minutiae of life to throw it off track.
Even though spontaneity is fun, you may need to schedule time for sex to ensure you aren't allowing other less important things to get in the way of your intimacy.
5. You don't give feedback during sex.
You have to tell your partner what you like and what turns you on in order to have satisfying sex.
You can't expect them to be able to read your mind or always know exactly what you are in the mood for.
If something feels good, say so. If you want to be touched in a particular place, ask for it. If you desire oral sex, make the request.
Just adding a little more verbal feedback during sex can be a turn-on for both of you.
Communicate with your partner both during and after sex to talk about what worked for you and the things that you didn't enjoy so much.
If you are bored with your sex life, it's likely your partner is as well. He or she will appreciate your openness and the opportunity to be real with you.
6. You are skipping foreplay.
If you are cutting right to the chase, it could be a sign that sex is simply a means to an end for you.
Take the time to play around before having sex to increase the excitement as well as your emotional intimacy.
In fact, consider taking a break from having intercourse for a few weeks so you can explore the closeness of touching and exploring each other.
Start with just using touch as a sensory stimulation and go from there. Spend some intimate time with your partner experimenting with different types of foreplay.
You might be interested in learning about tantric sex, a slow form of sex that increases intimacy, enhances the mind-body connection and leads to powerful orgasms.
7. You're not making your partner feel wanted.
If you just assume your partner knows how much you appreciate them, you might not realize that he or she feels unwanted or less-than-desirable.
You have to remind your partner of your emotional connection to keep them feeling both safe and turned on.
Not only must you tell your partner that you desire him or her, but you also have to empathetically listen when your partner is talking and address their concerns. Again, your partner is not a mind reader.
8. You go to bed at different times.
This may be a huge barricade to your sex life. Ask yourself if you are purposefully going to bed at different times to avoid sex that is no longer exciting or intimate.
If you have different sleep schedules, then you need to carve out time when you're both awake to take a trip to the bedroom in the evening.
It might make logistical sense to go to bed at different times, but your relationship comes first, so it's well worth the effort to try to coordinate your nighttime schedules.
9. You rush through sex.
If you are on different sleep schedules or too tired at night for sex, do you end up rushing through sex in the morning so you can get on with your day?
Then when you are having sex in the morning are you just thinking about how you are running late to get ready for work?
If you only give yourself ten minutes every time you try to be intimate with your partner, it ‘s bound to be rote and boring.
Give yourself plenty of time for an intimate time together that includes foreplay before and time to cuddle afterward.
10. Your relationship outside of the bedroom is boring.
If your relationship is boring in general, it certainly won't be exciting once you get in bed with each other.
You need to connect with your partner on a variety of levels in order to have exciting and satisfying sex.
If you are happy with your relationship and with your life, you can create a happy and satisfying sexual relationship.
If you are unhappy in your relationship or other areas of your life, your dissatisfaction will spill over into your physical intimacy.
11. You have young children in the house.
If there are kids in the house, it not only adds to the exhaustion at the end of the day, but it also makes your schedule become even crazier.
While this is a finite problem, it takes years to pass, so you can't exactly ignore it and wait for it to fix itself.
This is another instance in which you have to be purposeful in your actions and set aside time for your partner.
Create a firm bedtime for your kids and stick to it.
Or, make sure that you and your partner try to schedule sex when your kids are planning to go to a friend's house or at an extracurricular activity after school.
12. Your insecurities are getting in the way.
Unfortunately, some of the best things about intimacy — a sense of security and feeling understood and accepted — can open a door to more guilt and worry in the bedroom.
This is because you know just about everything about your partner, and you care about what they know about you.
You can't ignore your partner's vulnerabilities, nor can you hide your own. The very circumstances of intimacy can be the exact things that interfere with your libido.
For example, maybe your partner is going through a period when he or she is self-conscious about his or her body and isn't interested in showing it off or being naked around you.
Being aware of this issue and trying to make your partner feel comfortable, can be distracting and take away from the passion and spontaneity of your sexual encounter.
13. There is a disconnection with your partner.
You won't get aroused if you feel (either consciously or subconsciously) worried about, accountable for, or guilty about your partner in some way.
You also can't get turned on if you're feeling rejected or criticized by your partner. These feelings undermine sexual desire, excitement, and trust which leads to boring and dull sex if you have any sex at all.
14. It isn't a two-way street anymore.
If one partner satisfies him or herself during sex and then quits without making sure the other partner is satisfied, this selfishness leads not just to a boring love life but builds resentment as well.
Both partners need to be equally engaged in enjoying each other's bodies and pleasuring one another. If one person is unconcerned with the other person's needs, your sex life will fizzle out.
15. People are creatures of habit.
We are innately creatures of habit and many people find it difficult to step outside of their normal patterns. It takes some effort to change our routines, even when it comes to our sex lives.
In addition, people often have sexual fantasies that they may be ashamed of or feel embarrassed to discuss with their partner for fear of being rejected.
This can lock you into a groove that is less-than-satisfying because your sexual desires are not being met.
The secret to having a healthy and exciting sex life often comes down to communication and your willingness to be flexible.
There is no miracle cure to fix sexual issues in a relationship. Instead, it is important to assess your situation, and if need be, treat your lack of interest in sex in a holistic way that is specific to your relationship.
What works for some people may not work for others, so communicating with your partner and addressing specific issues is likely the best way to make sure that your sex life remains as exciting as it was when it first began.
If you and your partner can't solve your challenges with boring sex on your own, invest in the health of your relationship by working with a professional therapist who can help you.