I sat in my office crying my eyes out.
I'd just received a letter from the assistant to the editor of a local Atlanta publication I'd pitched for a story about one of my clients. It wasn't really a letter. It was a copy of my pitch with comments and edits written all over it. He'd basically slashed and dashed my pitch and told me it wasn't worth passing on to the editor.
At that point, I'd been a publicist for ten years, having lived in New York to work for a major retailer and a public relations firm. I was living back in Atlanta and had my own PR consultancy, managing several big clients. I wasn't a complete novice, but this letter completely undid me.
All of my past successes crumbled to dust in light of this editorial assistant's sweeping judgments. I couldn't write. I had no creative ideas. I wasn't good enough to meet the standards of his editor. What must the editor think of me? What if my clients find out? What if everyone discovers I'm a fraud?
His criticisms were so stinging, I allowed them to completely shatter my confidence. In one moment, the thoughts of one person I didn't know dismantled all of my years of hard work. Or at least that's how it felt. I cared deeply what he thought, even though he didn't know me or my work beyond this one pitch letter.
Of course eventually, I moved past it, but this incident was just one of many where the opinions of others caused me pain, anxiety, or guilt. Disappointing or upsetting someone was deeply uncomfortable — sometimes unbearable. In recent years, I've learned to let this go. Although I still respect the opinions of people I care about, I don't care what people think of me as much.
Are you someone who is emotionally bound to the opinions of others?
If so, here are some ideas about how to not care what people think:
To thine own self be true
There is only one person in this world whose opinion really matters — you. This is your life, and you are in charge of your destiny. Allowing yourself to be controlled or upset by what others think is giving away your self-empowerment.
No one knows better what is best for you than you do. Keep reminding yourself of this. Opinions from others come and go. Some are useful, some aren't. It is YOUR choice to decide how these opinions will impact you.
You will not die
When we care so deeply what other people think, it usually reflects our fear of rejection or abandonment. If we upset or disappointment them, they will withdraw their love and support.
They might leave us. We might be alone in our wretched misery. And as strange as it sounds, this really reflects a fear of death. How can I survive if I'm abandoned?
The truth I've learned from experience is when you stop caring so much what others think, they come to respect you even more.
When you become your own person, making decisions and choices based on your values, you are actually more attractive to others. Some people might not like this confident you, but they might not be people you need in your life anyway.
Know yourself
If you've been a people pleaser, constantly worrying what others think, then likely you've lost touch with who you really are and what's important to you. Your fallback position when making a decision is to first take a mental survey of how others will perceive you. Or perhaps you go straight to the source and ask them directly what you should do without ever considering your own opinion.
Related: Boost Self-Esteem By Loving Your Flaws And Failures
Now is the time to create your own personal operating system. What are your values? What personal boundaries should others never cross with you? What are your opinions and beliefs about important aspects of your life — your finances, child-rearing, career, political beliefs, even how you dress or maintain your home? Take some time to ask these questions and define the answers for yourself.
Create perspective
You won't stop caring what people think overnight. It will be a work in progress. But now you have awareness that you don't need to live this way.
Remind yourself of this fact: people are far more focused on themselves than they are on you. After that editorial assistant dashed off his comments to me, he didn't give it a second thought. Yet is caused me pain for weeks.
If choosing your own path makes someone think less of you, they'll get over it quickly. They won't spend days wringing their hands about it, so why should you? When you start to worry about what others are thinking, remind yourself they probably aren't thinking about you. They are the center of their own universe.
Embrace failures and mistakes
The most dreadful situation for those of us who worry what others think is when we really screw up. When we fail at something or made a public mistake, we feel the eyes of the world searing into our souls. Now everyone knows what an imbecile I am. Everyone can see my shame.
Can you adopt a new perspective around failure? First, realize that everyone fails. Everyone.
It is a universal experience. Once you recognize that, perhaps you can also see how failure serves you. It teaches you a lesson, strengthens you, and often shows you a new way. Practice looking at your failures to glean any gems of wisdom. Then practice shrugging off your mistakes. You may have to fake it at first but keep at it. Eventually, you'll recognize the world isn't judging you because of them.
Take stock
Sometimes what other people think does have merit. If someone offers an opinion or makes a comment, before you accept it or reject it, examine it. Does it fit with your worldview? Does it support your values? Do they have experience or knowledge you don't possess?
When you're lacking confidence in your own opinions, it's hard to distinguish your point of view from your concern about what others think. This is the time to step out of your emotions and use your logic along with the newfound knowledge of your true self.
Practice authenticity
Discovering your true self and living authentically is exciting and liberating once you get the hang of it. You can start in small ways to disengage from people pleasing and worrying about what others think.
Related: People Pleaser? How To Release The Need To Please
Go to a movie or dinner by yourself. Wear something you wouldn't normally wear. Invite a friend over when your house is messy. Share something vulnerable with someone you don't know well. The more you practice stretching yourself this way, the more comfortable you'll become letting go of your concern about the opinions of others.
Make a self-love list
We all tend to focus on our negative qualities, but we have far more positives we don't acknowledge. Right now, grab paper and pen and list all of your positive qualities, the things you like about yourself and do well. Include everything — from how well you mow the grass to the big project you just completed.
Think about your higher self — that voice in your ear that reminds you you're OK, you're confident and capable.
Imagine that higher self is your best friend who hangs around all the time. Let this best friend be the one person whose opinion matters. When you start to feel anxious about what others think, ask this higher self/best friend what they think. Listen only to that voice of self-love.
As with any internal change, dropping your addiction to caring what others think will take time and practice. The more you disengage from the opinions of others, the more your mind will grow accustomed to making confident, independent choices.
Your awareness of the problem is the first step. Eventually, the only opinion that will really matter will be your own.
Did you find any value from these tips on not caring what people think?
Do you care too much what others think of you?
If so, please share your experiences and any tips for overcoming this dependence on your favorite social media channel.
photo credit: Old Shoe Woman via photopin
I especially liked remembering, “I’m not going to die.” I never thought of the need for affirmation as an addiction. But, it is, isn’t it?
It’s interesting that some people, like the assistant editor you mention, feel compelled to be so critical. It seems like they need some help too.
I used to care quite a bit about what others thought of me; now, not so much. I’ve come to realize that you can’t control what other people are going to think or say about you, but you can control how you react to it. I like your point about knowing yourself. I think this is the best way to protect yourself against the criticisms of others. When you know who you are and are confident in that, then what others think isn’t going to upset you.
Sometimes understanding the perspective & motivation of the person who has hurt us helps. Jealousy and envy can sometimes cause people to act selfishly. Another somewhat common issue is the habitual behavior of negativity. I have encountered people who are consistent in their criticism of the world – really does not matter who or what the issue. The best advice you offer is to build a true and consistent set of beliefs and values while staying open to other’s thinking.
I am victim of people pleasing and this article will definitely useful get rid of it. I particularly like the points “you will not die”, “Embrace Failures and mistakes” and “Practice authenticity”.
“If we upset or disappointment them, they will withdraw their love and support. They might leave us.” This mindset is exactly what I have been struggling with from my past experiences. I wish I could of read this ages ago because it all makes perfect sense now. I am definitely a “people pleaser” and I have been for as long as I can remember. I’m constantly stressing over what others think of me and sadly, it has taken control of me in every aspect of my life. I feel trapped in this hole that I have dug for myself. I have lost many opportunities over the years because I was afraid to be who I wanted to be. It gets quite exhausting constantly over analyzing every little detail. I am so thankful that I stumbled upon your wonderful website. I have been searching for something to help me get through and I have found my answer! So thank you!
(I’m addicted to this website!)
The best antidote I’ve ever heard on this subject:is to remember the following:
“THE ONES WHO MIND DON’T MATTER; THE ONES WHO MATTER DON’T MIND.”
Sail on.
I know I have to be confident, to take charge of myself but sometimes, I just fall for discouragements and think awfully about myself.
This article is for me, thank you soo much Barrie.
-Vanessa
Getting past pleasing my mother was my first big hurdle. Once I mastered that, the next biggest people-pleasing hurdle was getting past what my kids and grandkids think.
I now have the most fun living authentically. That means I travel alone if no one else is ready or interested in joining me, give myself themed birthday parties, dress more for comfort than fashion and say “no” to activities I choose not to do. Yippee!
Great article Barrie! Super advice to shorten the distance from knowing to DOING. This is such an ongoing battle, I’m generally confident but occasionally allow others to impact me more than I should. Need to always be aware of being the one who knows me best.
Just toning down the fear of criticism and/or failure could unleash some great and creative ideas for improving the world. Imagine the impact if everyone could embrace these few steps…WOW!! Thanks for the inspiration and the “oh so gentle” boot in the butt.
We’re hardwired as a species to be part of the pack, it’s all about survival, which is why we can react so emotionally when we feel rejected. Lucky for us we also have a cortex which means we can learn to over come that primary emotion. You’re ideas are great food for thought.
Sad but true about being part of the pack
Yep, “you will not die” is my favorite, too. 🙂
What a fantastic post this is! Great. Very useful to all. I’m indebted to you. Thank you so much.
Dhayanithi, Coimbatore, Tamilnadu, India
Dear Madam,
Kindly consider this small suggestion. This is not fault-finding. When you use the word “Practice” as a VERB, the spelling should be “Practise”, not “practice”. “Practice” is a NOUN.
Dhayanithi, Coimbatore, Tamilnadu, India.
In the United States “practice” is not used. That is a British spelling.