Have you ever had someone go belly-up when you asked them to do something?
They might tell you they’ll follow-through, and they might even make some meager attempt at action. But ultimately the thing doesn’t get done — or doesn’t get done right.
Or maybe you’ve been in a conflict with someone, and rather than addressing the issue directly, they pout or act sullen.
These are examples of passive-aggressive behavior — a strange sort of non-action powered by an assortment of negative emotions, motivations, or downright hostility.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand passive-aggressive behavior — not that I haven’t used it myself on occasion. But I truly believe it is the bottom-dweller of behavior. It’s the skulking, cowardly, manipulative way to get what you want or get out of doing what you don’t want. It is the ultimate in avoidance and obfuscation.
So What Is Passive Aggressive Behavior?
Passive aggressive behavior can manifest in many ways but has the common feature of non-verbal negativity, resistance, and confusion. In relationships, it is a form of emotional abuse that is insidiously destructive to open and honest communication.
Frequently is rears its ugly head in the form of procrastination, learned helplessness, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or purposeful failure to handle requested tasks.
Other common passive-aggressive behaviors include:
- Being ambiguous or speaking cryptically to create insecurity or confusion or to hide one’s own insecurities.
- Making chronic excuses for lack of follow-through or poor performance.
- Creating drama or chaotic situations.
- Procrastinating at the expense of others.
- Being chronically late or forgetting things in order to control or punish.
- Avoiding intimacy through anger or negativity.
- Using guilt or sulking to punish or gain attention.
- Blaming others for mistakes or conflict.
- Creating intentional obstructions to punish or get one’s own way.
- Being argumentative, critical, or resentful to punish or get one’s own way.
- Being unresponsive or non-communicative to avoid discomfort or conflict.
- Withholding kindness, love, or actions (such as sex or favors) to punish.
- Sabotaging (either overtly or covertly) the efforts or relationships of others.
Why Do People Use Passive Aggressive Behavior?
Nearly all of us have resorted to passive-aggressive behavior at some point. We’ve all pouted, play the guilt card, or given the silent treatment on occasion.
When we feel hurt or angry, the child in us will emerge, and rather than throw a full-blown temper tantrum, we try to sooth ourselves with back-door naughty behavior.
However, you may have encountered someone in your life who regularly resorts to passive-aggressive behavior. They have very few skills at healthy communication or dealing with conflict. Every hurt or angry feeling is handled with subterfuge.
These behaviors almost always stem from a childhood environment in which the child did not feel safe to express his or her emotions or frustrations.
It could have been a situation where the parents were addicted to drugs or there was verbal, physical, or emotional abuse. Perhaps there were parents who were controlling or excessively punitive — or even physically or mentally ill.
Or it simply could have been a scenario in which the parents conducted their own lives through passive-aggressive habits.
Families in which the honest expression is not permitted or encouraged for any reason ultimately teach their own children to repress and deny true feelings. The children learn to resort to passive aggression to express pain and frustration.
Sadly, children who sugarcoat or mask their hostility and pain may never evolve beyond this behavior. Because they never learned coping strategies or skills to express themselves authentically, they grow into adults who harbor vindictive intent behind seemingly harmless attitudes or behavior.
How Do You Deal With A Passive-Aggressive Person?
- Recognize and understand passive-aggressive behavior when you see it. Sometimes it is so insidious that you can feel confused or at fault. But once you recognize a pattern of this behavior, accept that you are not to blame.
- Create healthy boundaries for yourself so you aren’t manipulated or taken advantage of by a passive-aggressive person. Call out dishonesty or rudeness.
- Refresh your own communication skills so that you can respond to passive-aggressive behavior with maturity and honesty.
- Calmly communicate your desire for authentic behavior and actions and ask your partner, spouse, friend, or loved one to work on a new way of dealing with pain and conflict. Suggest coaching or counseling if appropriate.
- Be understanding of the circumstances that created the passive-aggressive behavior. Most of it is based in emotional pain and misplaced anger.
What If You See Passive-Aggressive Behavior In Yourself?
- Look back at your childhood and try to recognize the cause of these behaviors in yourself. Understanding the cause goes a long way in healing the reaction.Try to forgive your parents for their lack of understanding or courage.
- Examine the impact your behavior has on your relationships and on your own self-esteem. Recognize that these negative behaviors only hurt you and push others away.
- Accept complete and total responsibility for your actions, behaviors, mistakes, and failures.
- Learn healthy and acceptable communication skills and techniques. Learn appropriate ways to channel and express anger and emotional pain. A counselor or coach can help you with this.
- Address problems and issues directly, quickly, and honestly. Avoidance or resistance almost always prolongs anguish and makes it worse.
- Learn to accept yourself and your feelings as valid and worthy. If you weren’t allowed to express feelings as a child and never felt heard, you may not feel confident about opening yourself up and living authentically. You have a right to open self-expression.
Loving and supportive relationships are the fabric of a happy and fulfilled life. And healthy communication and mature behavior are the essential elements of all successful relationships.
If passive-aggressive behavior plays a role in any of your relationships, I encourage you to place it in the spotlight so that it can be healed and transformed by awareness and understanding.
I want to inspire you to live boldly and bloom to your fullest potential!
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Hi Barrie,
Passive-Aggressive behavior can certainly get in the way of a healthy relationship, and I appreciate your tips on how to handle the situation. As you mentioned in your post, fear of intimacy may be the root of the problem, stemming from childhood experiences. At some point we all need to take responsibility for our behavior, and with mature adults, there is no room for passive-aggressive behavior.
Cathy | Treatment Talk recently posted…The Power of YOGA for Your Recovery: 15 Reasons to Start Practicing (Part 3)
Hi Cathy,
That fear of intimacy can really create some strange behaviors. It seems like many people who rely on PA behavior have no idea how to operate otherwise. It think it takes a whole lot of conflict before they get the message, and a strong desire to change. Cathy, I’m sure you’ve encountered many people dealing with this in your work. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I can trace my spouse’s Pa/controlling behavior to circumstances/events that he feels he has no control over. He won’t get help or resolve problems. Calmly communicating is getting challenging for me now! Any other suggestions?
I can definitely relate to this. For many years I was P.A. and can trace that to childhood where I was greeted with a wooden spoon when I expressed myself. I have found that as I forgave my mom, and myself, the less P/A behavior showed up in my interactions. What I am still working on is learning to communicate to others without fear and doing so in a timely manner.
Hi Debbie,
How wonderful that you’ve recognized it and the cause, and you are working to change. That’s the best any of us can do, right? A wooden spoon??!!! I hope you mom has come to recognize how destructive her behavior was. I am glad you’ve found forgiveness. I believe the only way to overcome fear of honest communication is through practice. The more you learn that it will actually set you free, the easier it becomes.
Thank you Barrie!
So crispy written with action-oriented content!
Thank you so much Arvind. I’m so glad you liked it.
Wow Barrie, just plain WOW!
“Children should be seen, not heard.” I don’t know where this phrase actually got its origin, but I think it was (is) a “house rule” in far too many households. Could it be that my grandparents grew up in Norway and Sweden with a daily dose of this unhealthy medicine?
It seems to me that in order to have a shot at mental and emotional stability, children MUST be seen AND heard. This poses a real challenge for parents who, themselves, grew up in households where a child expressed him/herself only at great peril! It’s no wonder that passive-aggressive behavior is such a convenient “coping” tool.
Many thanks for providing us with that ever-present WOW factor in your posts. You cause us to think, and rethink about stuff that that really matters
!
All the best,
Jon
Jon Sollie recently posted…Time For Change…Are YOU ready?
Dear Jon, you have made my day with your lovely comments! Thank you. Yes, it’s a wonder any of us had a chance at healthy relationships given the communication and emotional difficulties of our parents. I’m probably “preaching to the choir” here, because those seeking out personal growth info are seeking to grow and learn. It’s those who have their heads buried and their eyes closed that need a wake-up call. Learning never stops, does it?
I don’t think it’s “fair” that you used a photo of a happily submissive dog as the poster child for passive-aggressive behavior! That dog is giving PERFECT communication!
Of course, I’m just teasing you; this is not a call for more political correctness!
I do believe if we all acted with as much openness, orderly pack structure, and live-in-the-momentness as a emotionally healthy dog, the world would be a much better place in which to live!
Hi Meg,
I know! That sweet dog is just begging for a belly-rub. No aggression whatsoever. (Although he is being very manipulative with his sweetness to get that rub!) You are so right — if we could all be in the moment and open with one another, the world would be better.
Thank you Barrie for the information;am dealing with young adults, my children and at times i go through this with them.
Hi Veronica,
I think we have all gone through this with our kids. We use PA to get them to comply, they learn it and repeat it, and it creates a cycle. I am trying so hard not to use it with my teenagers. They call me out on it anyway!
Barrie,
Love it! So well put! First time stopping by, and loved it from the first sentence! Awesome!
-Victor
Thank you so much Victor — and welcome. I hope you will come by again.
Great post Barrie!
I feel like one of the biggest reasons my last relationship failed was because of passive aggressiveness…and both of us did it.
I read every word of your article, and I really felt like you wrote this post JUST for me since I can relate or think of someone who can relate to this type of behavior!
Alex Mangini recently posted…Iconic Quote: Albert Einstein [Everybody is a Genius]
You aren’t alone with that Alex. I think we all have suffered in relationships because of PA behavior — by ourselves or the other person or both. It’s great you have learned from it. That will go such a long way in helping you with the next relationship. Just be sure you find an equally mature and healthy-minded partner!
Hi, Barrie,
Great post and timely, too. PA has been quite the topic of discussion amongst my friends, lately; especially since we’ve all been dealing with extended family during the holidays.
I feel like I want to preface family get-togethers with, ‘Say what you mean and mean what you say!’
Being PA is the cowards way out. It’s a way to put forth your simmering anger in an ‘acceptable way’ without taking responsibility for your feelings or what you’ve said.
Thanks for sharing this.
Connie
Connie @ The Power To Live recently posted…Sculpting Your True Self