Every day we have decisions to make — what to wear, what to eat, how to spend our time.
Some decisions are no-brainers. You make your choice, and even if it’s not the best decision, the potential consequences are rarely worth breaking a sweat.
Then there are the BIG decisions.
- Should I move?
- Which job offer will be best?
- Am I in the right relationship?
- Should I proceed with the surgery?
Sometimes the elements and possible consequences of a big decision are so complicated your brain gets muddled, and confusion and indecision grip you like a vice. You become frozen like a deer in headlights.
The more you ponder the decision, the more confused and stuck you feel.You just want a voice from the heavens to shout down instructions and tell you what path to take. “Hey you, take that job in Miami. You’ll be much happier!”
This confusion is so uncomfortable that we tend to avoid these big decisions altogether. Of course this does nothing but stoke a low-level sense of anxiety and frustration about ourselves and our circumstances. Avoidance has never been a great strategy for life success and happiness.
Over-thinking and compulsively analyzing a decision doesn’t help much either. Trying to predict the future is an impossible task, regardless of how certain you may feel about a desired outcome. Life is too unpredictable to know with certainty that you are making the “right” decision. Ultimately, any decision involves a leap of faith.
When I’ve had to make big life decisions, I’ve learned to take several practical steps infused with a big dose of emotional guidance. In other words, I start with my head but also listen to my heart. Here are some steps to help you make a big decision without regret.
1. Have a Life Vision
A life vision should be the foundation and reference point for every decision you make. In your deepest dreams, how do you envision your life in all areas — career, relationships, finances, lifestyle, etc. What core values define this vision for you? Make a point of writing down your vision and the values that define it. Refine the vision over time as necessary. Then when a big decision comes along, you can use this vision as a guide. If you deviate too far from the vision, it will cause you eventual pain and regret. Evaluate your choices based on your vision. Which one is in closest alignment with your vision?
2. Evaluate the Pros and the Cons
Consider the possible positive and negative aspects or consequences of your decision. Write down a list of pros and cons for each possible alternative. Then prioritize these points with the most important considerations at the top of the list. What are the possible implications of the cons? Do they outweigh the pros? Can you live with the potential negative fallout or consequences? What could you do to mitigate the fallout?
3. Phone a Friend
Carefully select two or three trusted friends whose opinion and judgment you value. Tell them about your life vision, show them your list of pros and cons and ask for their input about your decision. Someone who is removed from the turmoil of the decision and who has a different perspective can help you see things in a clearer light. A personal coach also can help you gain clarity around your decision by asking you pointed questions related to your motivations, feelings, and desires.
4. Invoke a Higher Power
Go to a quiet place. Breathe deeply. Close your eyes. Go within. Pray or meditate (or whatever feels right to you) and ask for guidance. Your own inner wisdom and intuition will often rise to your conscious mind when you calm the mental chaos of over-thinking your decision. Imagine yourself in all of the possible outcomes and pay attention to how you feel. Keep a pen and paper handy to make notes about your feelings after reflection. Give it a few days. You may be surprised that the answer presents itself unexpectedly.
5. Try the Coin Trick
I love this idea because it puts you in touch with you real desires. Grab a quarter and assign one decision choice to heads and the other to tails. Flip the coin and before it lands, pay attention to side you hope it lands on. If there are more than two choices, balance each choice against another using the same trick. More than likely, this immediate reaction is what you truly want to do. Something in your heart is pulling you in that direction. Examine this result carefully, because even if the choice conflicts with all of the practical considerations, you may be dishonoring your deepest desires.
6. Research and Experiment
Do the work to gain as much knowledge as possible about the options. Research, ask questions, talk with people who have experienced each scenario. If possible, experiment with the alternative outcomes. If you are considering a move, spend a good amount of time in the city you are contemplating. If you are exploring a job opportunity, ask to spend a day or two shadowing someone in the office. If you are thinking of ending a relationship, test some time apart before you make your decision.
7. Don’t Look Back
If you have done the work, honored your vision, examined the pros and cons, sought guidance, done your due diligence, and connected with your intuition, then make your choice, take the leap and don’t look back. There are millions of paths we can take in a lifetime, all leading to different opportunities and potential consequences. You won’t have a guarantee, but you don’t need one. Uncertainty is part of the adventure of life. Once you are on this new adventure, have confidence that you made the best decision with the information available, and move forward with a spring in your step. There is something good to be learned on every path we follow.
The ability to make a decision is the fuel for personal and professional growth. If you enter a decision with the knowledge that uncertainty is inevitable, and you accept you must decide in spite of uncertainty, then you will never get stuck. By taking the steps outlined, you empower yourself to make an informed and thoughtful choice, leaving little room for future regret.
What have you done to make a big decision in the past? How have you minimized the possibility of regret?
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Great post, thank you for sharing, making a big life decision is probably the biggest life challenge we can ever experience. I like your approach, trying to make the “right” decision would be vain as we can’t figure out what it would consist in at the time we’re making the decision, but at least I’ve always tried to make a decision that wouldn’t lead to regrets
Clay recently posted…Brilliant Baby Brains – The Benefits of Youthful Thinking and How to Avoid Mediocrity with Maturity
Hi Clay,
So glad you liked it. Many times, there isn’t a “right” decision. It is simply a choice between one path and another.
I do the coin trick too! It’s my favorite way to make a decision when I’ve got too many thoughts going on in my head. It really helps me hone in on my deepest feelings. I also have a life vision that I revise as my priorities change.
Sage recently posted…Quiz: Are You a Superhero or a Sidekick?
That’s great Sage! It looks like you are living up to your name.
Thanks Barrie,
I have used a coin for years to help me decide. When I know I want to go to out of three flips or am happy with the winning side I have my answer.
Over they years I have learned to follow what I call the cosmic breadcrumbs – those little subtle signs from the universe. It could be the orange that falls out of the bin as I walk by at the grocery shop or the friend I bump into at Starbucks. Follow your heart never fails to produce magic and miracles. And as you say there really are no WRONG decisions!
I always love your posts, Thanks for taking the time to write them.
Susan
Susan Gregg recently posted…Episode 91: The Voice of the Judge
Hi Susan,
I love that expression — “cosmic breadcrumbs”! You have reminded me to pay attention to them. I’m so glad you love my posts because I love your comments and positive spirit. Thank you Susan.
that last bit about the inevitability of uncertainty really sticks out. no matter how much we analyze, and procrastinate, uncertainty will always be there. really nice post, Barrie
Kola recently posted…9 Things I’d Like to Do Before Turning 81
Hi Kola,
Yes, no matter how hard we try to figure it out, life remains unpredictable. So glad you liked the post.
Great post Barrie. I often remind myself that no matter what we do, the unknown is always greater than the known; the uncertain is always greater than the certain – there’s almost no point in worrying about it.
The coin trick does work. I have a similar thing – a book called “The book of answers”. If often helps my clients (and my kids) to decide on something. They think of the question, then open on a random page. If they like the answer AND if they don’t like the answer – they still know what they want…
Well done.
Kirsten Long recently posted…Jason Mraz does it for me
Hi Kirsten,
I haven’t heard of that book, but I will check it out. That’s a great idea!
I’m at a point of transition at the moment and little steps like this really help to make the big choices and have confidence. Thank you
Sweet Apple Lifestyle
Katie recently posted…Confessions of a Sweet Apple – October
Hi Katie,
It’s always the little steps that lead to the big changes. I’m so glad it helped you!
Dear Barrie
I feel when I read your posts you are really talkng to me personally. In the last 5 postings in particular specific issues you have written was exactly what I was thinking of and what I needed for assistance.
Thank you so much
I am so glad the posts have come to you at the right time Fawzi. Thank you for your kind words.
Fine thoughts here Barrie. Having a Life Vision is rightly at the top of the tree. Thankyou.
be good to yourself
David
David Stevens recently posted…Why clearing your clutter will save your Life
Thanks David! So glad you liked it.
What came in the final step is AMAZING. Once you’ve done all the calculating, thought about the pros and cons, slept over it, heard your inner voice propel you to go for it, do not look back. Just do it. I did that once, the looking back and it is health wrecking.
Maram recently posted…How To Make A Big Decision Without Regret
Hi Maram,
Yep — you just have to take the leap and keep moving forward. All big decisions include some amount of risk.
Awesome article! Thank you so much for this..this is one I’ll be back to reread,:-)
I love the Don’t Look Back step – I tend to go over, analyze and edit everything I did once it’s done, the revisits are endless, really need to stop that because it makes me doubt everything I do.
Thank you:-)
Cheyenne recently posted…Zen Living: A Dream & A Bullshit Story
Hi Cheyenne,
That over-analyzing is really a tortuous cycle. Just keep moving forward with a spring in your step.
Hi Barrie
i do lots of pray when its come to make some tough decision and it always help .
Hi Ahmed,
That is wonderful. Prayer and meditation are both great ways to get in touch with your deepest desires.
Hi Barrie, I just discovered your site and have really enjoyed your insightful articles.
I am a highly sensitive person HSP, your post on that really described me (and my wife) incredibly well. I am currently having to make a huge life decision that will affect my small family and have discussed it here:
http://www.city-data.com/forum/non-romantic-relationships/1779929-move-not-move-away-family.html
Would you be so kind as to read the original post and tell me your thoughts on this?
Thank you. I have subscribed to your feed because I think you are sharing valuable information. I will also share it with my wife and family.
Capam
Hi Capam,
You must do what is best for you, your wife, and child. Your extended family is important, and it’s wonderful to have them near you. But if you need a job and one you like is being offered, then it seems like you should take it — unless the lifestyle near your family is so compelling you are willing to remain in financial hardship. Guilt should never be a motivator for a decision. You can always move again if you wish. No decision is irreversible. Your primary allegiance is to your primary family — your wife and child.
Thank you Barrie,
I think I have known this all along but my personality trait of trying to please everyone made this difficult. I want to change this trait where I put my needs and wants aside to please others, especially now that I have a family.
Thank you again for our advice and your site.