This is a guest post by Lisa of Privilege.
Hello. My name is Lisa, and I write a blog called Privilege. It’s mostly on style, with some rapture and anxiety thrown in for good measure. Barrie did me the great honor of asking me for a guest post about, of course, how to live boldly and without fear.
I have no idea. Seriously.
I’m afraid of so many things. Flying. Heights. Losing my memory. Wearing the wrong shoes or too short jeans. Telling a complete stranger my life story in an inappropriate manner.
The Real Story Behind A Bold-Sounding Life
It’s possible to live a bold life, even when you’re beset with fear.
For example, I started college in 1978. I know, I’m old. I’m over it. Only 5 years after Princeton went co-ed, I took my little California girl self to the land of Topsiders. A guy asked me why I was wearing a bandanna. I was too terrified to ask him in return, “What’s up with the whale belt?” Culture shock.
After graduation, I moved to London and got a job with Sir Cameron Mackintosh, the man known for CATS, Phantom of the Opera, and Les Miz. In those days he was just Cameron. Then I moved back to New York , and wrote 17 unsolicited letters to theatrical producers, asking for work. I was terrified. Wound up at Circle Repertory, off-Broadway.
Sound brave? Wasn’t.
Onward. Traveled to India for 3 months, alone, at 25. Wrote an article on Indian film censorship pre-Bollywood, which the Los Angeles Times was kind enough to publish. Then I got an MBA. The MBA sounds not-too-scary except I am so bad at math I never even used to balance my checkbook – back when we had checkbooks. Don’t mention accounting or I’m going to hide under the bed.
I wound up selling expensive liquid nitrogen contracts to semiconductor facilities managers. I tried to understand the chemistry of it all, but the only thing that stuck was if you freeze roses you can break them on a parking lot pavement. One day I made 13 cold calls, door after door after door slamming in my face. I was really terrified.
Then I switched to software, despite the fact that my degree had been in Comparative Literature and I knew nothing about high technology. I don’t even understand batteries. Became a vice-president, despite all those other people competing for the job. Not always fairly.
So. If I tell you that I rarely go a day without fear, would you believe me? I hope so. It’s true.
I’m even afraid that writing all of the above will make me come across as a jerk. If I have, I apologize. My life history only matters inasmuch as it’s an example.
How To Live Boldly When You Are Scared As Heck
As it turns out, living boldly doesn’t require that you feel no fear. It mostly requires that you act as though you feel no fear. One can reduce fear to the whine of a hungry pre-schooler in the back of a car. Noise. Uncomfortable, irritating, hard to ignore, but just noise.
I believe we all know that already, in theory. But in a world where everyone’s always telling you, have no fear, I only wanted to let you know that fear’s OK. Lots of us are afraid. We stick our fingers in our ears and say, ” La La La La La. ” I used to do that, when my kids were driving me nuts with their whining. Of course, there was the one time we got home and I opened my van door and threw all their gear into our cul-de-sac. I don’t recommend that strategy, just to be clear.
Pretend you don’t hear the whine of fear. Take a deep breath. Speak kindly to yourself. Just as you would to your pre-schooler, once you are back home, and eating goldfish crackers at the counter.
Then take the next step, wherever it takes you, in this moment where your fear is on time out. Oh, it’ll be back. If you’re like me. But by then your tracks will look bold. Living a life that seems bold is almost enough, because the path you take will show you what the truly brave see.
One Big Risk
There is one huge risk in this strategy. I’d be remiss not explaining. In this effort to act boldly, to ignore fear, you may misdirect your efforts. You may ignore the fears that don’t matter, and do a lot of apparently brave things to overcome noise, any noise. Leaving what really matters undone. This is the part where you have to listen to yourself.
I always wanted to write. I was terrified. And I was so busy doing other stuff that scared me I almost didn’t notice that life was passing by and I wasn’t writing.
One day, despite myself, most of the other opportunities to confront fear moved on. I lost my job. My kids went to college. All that was left to do was write. Then I started a blog. If that doesn’t sound brave, you bloggers know, one day someone hates you for being too right-wing, the next day for being too left-wing, and finally for wearing red shoes. Now I sit on my sofa every day and write.
In this situation, fear uses different weapons. Fear gets trickier in smaller fights. When I was making cold sales calls, I could tell I was afraid, as I sat listening to the radio in my car, trying to use the song rotation as a fortune teller. Tom Petty? Bail right out of there. Don’t Come Round Here No More. Bruce Springsteen? Knock on the door. It was 1986. In those days I could defeat fear with my feet. Or by crossing the country, or big, big oceans.
For the subtle bravery required by some life goals, you have to keep yourself honest. It’s hard. We devote a lot of time and energy over the years building up a self that can protect itself from danger. Breaking down those mechanisms is tough. Here bold just means truth. Find an internal beacon that helps you push Send, or Publish, or Yes. Something true.
The best knowledge I’ve found is this. There isn’t a trick.
Ask yourself, do I really want to do it? If the answer is yes, go ahead.
Yeah, I know. You’d think after 50 years I’d have learned something more spectacular. I’m telling you, getting fear to quiet down in the back seat took a long, long time.
Lisa is an executive and mother, raised in privilege. Read more of her bold and witty writing on her blog Privilege.
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“And I was so busy doing other stuff …. I almost didn’t notice that life was passing by and I wasn’t writing.”
This is me. Glad to see I’m not alone. Oh, and by the way…you’re not old, you’re just “well experienced”. Great post!!
.-= Joe DeGiorgio´s last blog ..Never Say Die =-.
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LPC Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 3:17 pm
Joe, thanks! Well-experienced, I’ll use that from now on. I hope it feels really good, now that you are writing. I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief, once we face up to that thing we’d been avoiding.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..LPC is At "Live Bold & Bloom" Today =-.
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That was a great read, inspiring and very honest.
My problem is that at 46, I still don’t know what I want to do, the lightbulb moment never came.
.-= Tabitha´s last blog ..American Glamour =-.
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LPC Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 12:35 am
Ooops, sorry, hadn’t gotten the hang of this yet and replied to you down below:).
.-= LPC´s last blog ..LPC is At "Live Bold & Bloom" Today =-.
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“For the subtle bravery required by some life goals, you have to keep yourself honest.”
I am finally learning this one… and realising that some risks are worth taking no matter what the outcome.
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LPC Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
Mae, yes, I think if you realize that the worst outcome would be not to try, then you just go ahead.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..LPC is At "Live Bold & Bloom" Today =-.
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Tabitha, thank you. I’m 53, so, light bulb moment is still possible. Maybe some of us have to wait for life to get quieter.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..LPC is At "Live Bold & Bloom" Today =-.
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Trish Cardona Reply:
September 19th, 2010 at 10:43 pm
I like that idea, that life has to get quieter sometimes. Gives me hope that things can still happen, maybe after this lifestage where I’m always running around after kids. But there is hope.
.-= Trish Cardona´s last blog ..My Denim State of Mind =-.
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LPC Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 6:52 pm
If you still have kids in the house, there is no question but that life gets quieter:). However, all the drama is not over, in my experience.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..Rituals In The Empty Day- Or- Saturday Morning at 11-00am =-.
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Fun read Lisa! I’ve done loads of things I was terrified of doing, but sometimes the fear is more like a thrill, to me. Other times it can be almost paralyzing. Cold sales calls–yikes. Been there, done that a few times, but only when I was in a certain kind of daring mood, or something. That’s hard. Then I realized I simply didn’t like doing it, end of story!
I like what you say about “bold just means truth.” Maybe right now is exactly the right time for you to be writing, with the perspective of a few years
.-= Leah McClellan´s last blog ..Cops, robbers, and traffic tickets =-.
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LPC Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
Leah, good for you, really to be able to decide you just didn’t like cold sales calls, rather than continuing to force yourself because you thought you should. I think that’s a sign of coping well with fear, if you don’t allow it to let you keep trying stuff that’s just not for you, in a sort of attempt to build false courage.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..LPC is At "Live Bold & Bloom" Today =-.
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Lisa:
Great post. From the outside you look incredibly bold. Nice reminder to all of us who sometimes do bold looking things but lay awake at times wondering, “What the heck am I doing?”
Thanks
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LPC Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 8:42 pm
Thank you Doug. I know I feel less afraid if I feel I am not alone, that it’s not like everyone else is out there, fearless.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..LPC is At "Live Bold & Bloom" Today =-.
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Hi Lisa,
great post – indeed it is so important to regularly forget all about our fears and get out and do things – sometimes it might be tough but I feel that it is the only way not to give in to fears and somehow loosing our opportunity to live … And what a pleasure when you do go out and win …
keep going
Françoise
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LPC Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 12:30 am
Francoise, it is a pleasure, I agree. I can never forget my fear, not altogether, but I can quiet it long enough. And that it is necessary to seize the opportunity.
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What a fun yet powerful message Lisa!
Accepting fear and taking action great advice. I love your statement: there is no trick. It is that simple if we are willing to listen to our own truth and do what feels right.
Thank you so much for the insight and humor.
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LPC Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 12:30 am
Manal, thank you for your kind words. I wish there were a trick, sometimes, but I guess in the end I”m not surprised that there isn’t. What about you? Surprised?
.-= LPC´s last blog ..LPC is At "Live Bold & Bloom" Today =-.
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Manal Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 6:56 pm
I’m with you Lisa. It doesn’t surprise me.
.-= Manal´s last blog ..5 Reasons to Let Go of Your Story =-.
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Hi Lisa,
I am so glad you quieted your fear enough to write every day. Thanks.
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LPC Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
Thank you for saying so:).
.-= LPC´s last blog ..LPC is At "Live Bold & Bloom" Today =-.
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Thank you for a great post. I think of myself as brave, but sometimes I wonder about the return on investment. For every act of boldness, it seems like I have two more things to be fearful about.
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LPC Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:17 pm
Thank you Donna. I think you are very right. Those of us who have this underlying approach to life can always find something. I’m happy now, in a weird way, to be having silly fears about whether I forget to put out my recycling, vs. will I never be brave enough to tell everyone I want to write.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..LPC is At "Live Bold & Bloom" Today =-.
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LPC…you already know that I’m a big fan of your blog and of you. What this ads to my “admiration index” is the beauty of a huge level of transparency, humanity, pluck and yes…that ever so equalizing phenomenon, regardless of privilege or circumstance…frailty.
Onward…without math skills.
ADG
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LPC Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
Wow. You rock dude. Or, I really mean something more profound. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m not even sure what I did to deserve it, which makes me feel really lucky.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..LPC is At "Live Bold & Bloom" Today =-.
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Lisa, you write beautifully – so I think most of all, we are grateful that you managed to quiet that fear. This was a most lovely read in a hectic morning of conference calls and emails and work work work. I loved every single word. Keep writing and thank you for spreading the boldness. A brilliant choice of guest on Live Bold and Bloom, thank you Barrie!
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LPC Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:22 pm
Farnoosh, thank you so much. I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..LPC is At "Live Bold & Bloom" Today =-.
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Lisa,
Thank you for bringing all of your wonderful readers over here to read your post. I am awed by the outpouring of love they have for you and your writing.
I hope you will write again for Live Bold and Bloom sometime.
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Barrie, my pleasure. I have to admit, I do have a wonderful set of readers. That’s been such a great part of blogging. Thank you again, so much, for this opportunity, and we’d be happy to come back some day:). I love your theme. Bold is such a great ideal.
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Great post and Lisa, your history does illustrate your point. My mother always told me to “act” the part if I was afraid. Just pretend you’re a real grown-up, going to an interview or facing a crowded room. Just act like you know what you’re doing. One foot in front of the other. It works. Great insights and boldly put.
.-= Katie´s last blog ..Pushing Yourself Forward: Week 5 of the 7-Week Life Cleanse =-.
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LPC Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 12:26 am
Some times mothers do know something:). Sounds like your mother is a wise woman. Doesn’t it sort of help to have her voice in your ear?
.-= LPC´s last blog ..Have A Lovely Weekend, Or, Saturday Morning at 8:47am =-.
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the angels want to wear your red shoes, my dear lisa.
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LPC Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 12:30 am
Well, then, I won’t get any older, will I:). What a wonderful outcome, dearest lauren.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..Have A Lovely Weekend, Or, Saturday Morning at 8:47am =-.
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Thanks for inspiring me, Lisa.
I figure my fear is never going to leave the building but that’s okay, I just keep taking one step at a time.
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LPC Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 3:45 am
Deborah, you are very welcome. You inspire me in return. One step at a time it is.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..Have A Lovely Weekend, Or, Saturday Morning at 8:47am =-.
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hi lpc,
i really enjoyed reading this. you do know how to push that pen into action. great read!
~janet
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LPC Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 3:45 am
Hi janet! Thank you very much.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..Have A Lovely Weekend, Or, Saturday Morning at 8:47am =-.
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Great post and amazingly simple and true! We are in the hurt locker job wise here in the Fabulous house and we are feeling terrified but moving forward!
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LPC Reply:
June 22nd, 2010 at 5:12 pm
Oh, I know, I send you SO MANY good wishes. The economy is picking up. I congratulate you on the bravery to move forward and make this work for your family.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..News From Around The Blogosphere =-.
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What a truly fabulous post!!!!!!!!
“living boldly doesn’t require that you feel no fear. It mostly requires that you act as though you feel no fear. ” “Ask yourself, do I really want to do it? If the answer is yes, go ahead.”
silly as it may sound, your words are now written on post it notes attached to the wall by my computer to serve as a reminder
.-= Aileen´s last blog ..Snakes Shed Their Skin and So Do We…Breathe Through Life’s Changes =-.
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LPC Reply:
June 22nd, 2010 at 5:11 pm
Aileen, I am really honored to have you put my words up in your life. Thank you so much.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..News From Around The Blogosphere =-.
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I absolutely love reading blogs that put fear in its place! We just have to be aware that there are things greater than our fears…and, that is ourselves! Nice work on putting yourself out there, Lisa…in print!!
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Thank you Julia. One step at a time, right?:).
.-= LPC´s last blog ..The Sturdy Gal Dreams Of A Grand Resort- v2011 =-.
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Real nice design and superb subject matter , hardly anything else we desire
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Lisa, I love your honesty. Some people think I’ve lived boldly but the truth is that often “scared as heck” just like you. I know other people live boldly but a part of me always assumed that they didn’t experience fear like I did. I very much connected with everything you wrote, thank you for sharing. Tracey
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