A guest post by Ben Altman
Confidence. You know it’s important — a key to success in business, relationships, and life.
Hopefully you feel confident most of your day. But what about those times when you don’t?
What about those times when you feel you don't have what it takes to attract a loving relationship into your life or to sustain one you already have?
Barrie has written before on the ways self-confidence impacts your income and improves your likelihood of getting noticed and promoted at work. She's also talked about the ways confidence improves your self-image and allows you to have a healthy attitude about your physical appearance.
But I'd like to share some thoughts on the power of self-confidence when it comes to your love life.
Confidence In Meeting New People
1. More Chances
We’ve all been there. Maybe you’re in a bar. Maybe you’re in a coffee shop or just walking down the street. You see someone that strikes your fancy, and you think, “Wow, that sure is an attractive fella/lady.” And then? Then you probably do nothing about it.
It’s totally normal — most people do it. They think to themselves, “I’m running late,” or “I’ll talk to them next time,” and they pass up the opportunity to meet somebody new who could be potentially amazing for them.
The person who’s next-level confident — those who are self-assured enough to push past excuses and discomfort? They go say something. They start a conversation. And sometimes they're rewarded with an incredible relationship that enriches their life in a significant way.
It’s more than just starting a conversation. Confidence lets you ask for the phone number, it lets you make the first call, it lets you lean in for the kiss. You’re willing to go for what you want, because you know if you don’t get it, you’re still going to be okay. No “friend zone,” no wondering “what if,” and no beating yourself up for not going for what you want.
You put yourself out there and take a chance, which is the ONLY way you’ll ever get what you really want in a relationship.
But there’s more. And this is why confidence is a super multiplier when you’re dating. Because not only will next-level confidence help you meet more people, it also will make your interactions when you first meet someone go waaaaaaay better as well.
2. Better Chances
Confidence seeps into your body. All your non-verbal communication, the way you walk, the way you stand, the eye contact you make, all comes from how you see yourself in your own mind. It is incredibly attractive to men and women alike. Beyond that, if you’re comfortable and confident in all situations, it will come through in your words.
Ever had a moment where you felt super present? Where everything you said was funny, and you were really connecting with people on a deeper level?
Now have you ever had a moment where you felt off? Where you were in your own head and hesitant to speak up?
What was the difference? Were you a different person? No. But I’d bet you felt more comfortable and confident in scenario one, and that scenario two was one of those low-confidence days where you felt off.
So when you’re confidence is a ten out of ten, you’ll meet more people and more of those interactions will go well. Hurray – you’ve now got a ton of options to choose from! And that leads me to benefit number three.
3. High Standards
Confidence gives you options. Options allow you to have standards.
We all know we should have high standards. After all, who you end up with in life may be the most important decision you ever make. No one wants to settle. But let me ask you this . . .
Imagine if I sent you to a reality TV show with only four people, you and three potential significant others.You have a month to get to know each one, and then you get a choice: pick one to marry or spend your entire life alone. You can have friends, but no romantic relationships.
How amazing would someone have to be for you to pick them? As long as you liked them more than the other two people, and the prospect of being alone FOREVER was unacceptable, you’d pick someone. Maybe they wouldn’t be a great match for you. Maybe the two of you would fight all the time. But hey, it’s better than the alternative.
Now imagine the same show, except you get to meet as many people as you like. Every time you decide you don’t like someone, you can “next” them. The producers will just bring in somebody else. You get to play forever until you find someone you connect with and absolutely adore.
Which show would you rather be on? And which show do you think gets you a better life partner?
Seems obvious right? Well, that’s what confidence does for you. It makes you know, really know with 100% assurance, that you are amazing, that you can find someone to date you whenever you want, and that you don’t have to settle for anything less than ecstatic in your relationships.
When you feel that way, you give yourself permission to have incredibly high standards and really screen people to see if you are a good fit for each other.
Confidence In A Relationship
So you’ve mastered your self-confidence while single. You feel comfortable in all situations. You’ve learned how to bring your natural charisma to every interaction. Congratulations! Whatever your dating/relationship goals were, you’ve probably achieved them.
Just don’t lose that confidence now that you’re in a relationship. Because that’ll be the end of it just as quick as it started. Confidence is even MORE important when you’re actually in a relationship.
Why? Here are four critical reasons:
1. You won’t be jealous and controlling
In every relationship, there will come a time when your partner wants to go visit that attractive friend they haven’t seen in a long time. Or they run into their ex while they’re out without you. Or they take that four day “no significant others allowed” trip to Las Vegas.
And if you don’t have rock solid confidence, you are constantly going to wonder…
Why is this person with me?
What did they do last night?
What are they doing right now?
If you don’t have confidence in yourself, you can’t have confidence in your relationship. And if you don’t have confidence in your relationship, you’ll find it impossible to trust the other person. Cue paranoia, neediness, suffocation, and the inevitable breakup.
2. You’re willing to be vulnerable
When you’re truly confident in yourself, you can open yourself up emotionally. You’re willing to be honest all the time without worrying about judgment or rejection, because you’re comfortable enough in yourself, flaws and all.
You can share your fears and frustrations. You can share your dreams. You’re willing to let your partner fully in on the good times and the bad. No masks, no cover, no hiding or pretending things are better or worse than they are.
And you’re willing to say, “I love you” early and often, without worrying about whether or not you’re hearing it back.
3. You’ll have boundaries
Having confidence means you'll draw boundaries for inappropriate behavior. No being walked over, no being controlled.
We’ve all seen someone we love in a relationship that didn’t have this, where their partner would treat them poorly, but they would never stand up for themselves. It’s extremely hard to be happy with yourself or your relationship if you can’t stand up for yourself when you think you’re being wronged.
Beyond that, the other people in your life, significant others, friends, family, they’ll respect you for being the type of person that stands up for yourself and what you believe. No one wants to be with a doormat. And if they do, you’ll have the confidence to draw your boundaries anyway and leave the relationship if you have to. Which means when you ARE in a relationship, you’ll be happier and so will your partner.
4. You’ll admit when you’re wrong
Arguments are going to happen from time to time. We know confident people stand up for themselves when they know they’re right. Just as importantly, they’re willing to admit when they are wrong.
Think about it. You know you’re a good person and whatever you’ve done in the past, you’ve acted with good intentions. So what if you screwed up? Everyone does. A confident person is quick to apologize when they’re wrong.
Being able to admit your mistakes means you can diffuse an argument before it gets heated. More than that, the people in your life will appreciate you for owning your actions.
So now what?
Hopefully, you embrace that healthy self-confidence leads to meeting more new people, having more people attracted to you, dating more, and having better relationships.
We all know at our core that confidence is key to a happy, successful life.
The key question is this: how can you feel confident and comfortable all the time — in ANY situation?
There’s a lot you can do to improve your confidence, especially in your relationships.
You CAN’T just “be confident.”
“Just be more confident” is one of the most common and most useless throw-away pieces of advice in the world. It’s everywhere, and it’s totally in-actionable.
Instead, focus on your courage. Confidence is a feeling that comes from learning the skills of self-assurance. It comes with time. Courage is a choice. It’s a decision. You can begin to learn the skills of confidence by having the courage to push past your discomfort.
See someone attractive on the street? Go talk to them. Say “hi.” Say anything at all.
Your significant other asking you if they can go to Vegas with every single ex they’ve had in their entire life? Let them go.
Not because I’m promising it will go well. For all I know it will blow up in your face. But because it’s the first step. You find the edge of your comfort zone and you live there, you push it, you do it anyway. Confidence allows you to trust, and it allows you to let go when trust is broken.
In finding the edge of your comfort zone over and over again, I guarantee you will eventually take your confidence through the stratosphere and ignite your love life.
Ben Altman is the founder of Charisma On Command, a site for successful men and women who want to take their charisma to the next level. He’s got some awesome insight into confidence, charisma, and how to leave a lasting impression on everyone you meet. You can check out his newsletter here for more.