It doesn’t matter how evolved, patient, or emotionally mature you may be.
People are going to push your buttons.
Some people in your life are master button-pushers. They know exactly what to say or do to transform you from a calm and happy person into a seething, mouth-frothing maniac.
Quite often the best button-pushers are the people closest to you — your spouse, romantic partner, children, and close friends. But other people can push your buttons too — often without event knowing what they are doing. Until you bite their little heads off. Then they totally get it.
What are those damned buttons anyway, and why are they so sensitive to pressure? These buttons are emotionally volatile, reactive places within us that cause us to have negative feelings of frustration or anger — often out of proportion to the offense.
I probably don’t have to explain this to you. You’ve felt it many times before.
- Someone makes an off-hand remark, and it causes you to bristle or feel wounded.
- A friend forgets to call you or include you in something, and you immediately want to give her a piece of your mind.
- Your spouse suggests you didn’t follow through on a promise or intimates you didn’t do something the way he or she would have done it, and you are ready to threaten divorce.
- Your mother remarks on how you are disciplining your children or maintaining your home, and you want to scream at her about your miserable childhood.
Whether or not the offending party made an intentional jab to get a rise out of you or it was a remark made in complete innocence, the sting is painful and your urge to retaliate is overwhelming.
Immediately your mind starts forming zingers to launch over to the other side. “How dare they suggest that? Who do they think they are? I’ll set them straight and make them feel like a dog’s breakfast while I’m at it. They certainly deserve it.”
Of course this reaction can create a full-blown counter-attack, often devolving into name-calling, below-the-belt barbs, stand-offs, pouting, shouting, hurt feelings, mistrust, and longstanding misunderstandings. Or sometimes we say nothing in our wounded state, but wait for the opportunity to retaliate with passive-aggressive behaviors. “I’ll get you my pretty. And your little dog too!”
None of us are immune from this — not psychologists, coaches, mentors, self-help gurus, monks, rabbis, nor ministers. I’m embarrassed to admit the number of times I’ve sat in my car or lingered in the shower, plotting my evil little plans to set someone straight. It isn’t a pretty quality.
By the very nature of being human, we have wounded places — buttons that hurt when pushed. And it takes a lot of restraint and self-awareness to deal with button-pushing in a healthy, positive way.
The benefits of allowing a button to be pushed without anger or retribution far outweigh the momentary pleasure of lettin’ em have it.
If you can just wait a minute or two before you say anything or before you text back or shoot off a nasty email, you will be so, so thankful you did.
Because once the dust settles, no one (who is generally peaceable and mature) likes the fallout of conflict. It takes far more effort to clean up the mess than it does to prevent it.
So when you are in the moment, when that button has been pushed and steam is hissing from your ears, what can you do to prevent yourself from responding poorly? Here are a few strategies to try.
Just breathe
When the words have been spoken, or typed, or texted — breathe. Count to 100. Walk away. Excuse yourself from the room. Do whatever you can to create time and space between the comment and your immediate feelings.
Your feelings will calm down, and you need time to insert a filter between your brain and your mouth (or fingers). This is the most crucial strategy to implement. If you can’t do this, the damage is done, and it will be much harder to set things straight.
Look within
You’re not going to like this. I know I don’t. But those little buttons are really all about you, even if the pusher intentionally and with forethought pushed the heck out of them. They are places where something is going on inside of you — some place of insecurity, fear, low self-esteem, or unmet needs.
You need to take a good hard look at those buttons and ask yourself why they are so sensitive. What is the root cause of your hair-trigger feelings and what can you do to heal them? Talk to a counselor or friend or someone who can see you from an unemotional perspective. As you build your self-esteem and confidence in these areas, they won’t be nearly as painful.
Practice peace
Before you encounter your next button-pushing episode, make a conscious decision about the person you want to be. You have the power to be a peacemaker in this world by seeking to rise above your emotional reactions.
Practice detaching from ego-based thoughts and strive to connect to a vision of your higher self. I’m not saying this is easy, but if you plant the seed in your psyche now, before anyone pushes your buttons, it will help you stand firm when you want to overreact.
Establish boundaries
Sometimes there are people in our lives who take perverse pleasure in watching us squirm or lose control. It makes them feel better to make us feel bad. These are usually people to let go of in your life if you can. They drain you of energy and joy.
Some people will bottle up an issue and, knowing our vulnerabilities, will go for the jugular in order to make a point or stir the pot. If this happens with people you love and want to keep in your life, then you need to kindly but firmly establish your boundaries and nip the behavior in the bud.
If you have entrusted them with your vulnerabilities, it is a betrayal to use those against you, even in a so-called joking manner. But don’t launch back with a barb. Ask for their support and love to help you heal instead. Let them know you expect open communication, not jabs and back-handed remarks.
When a button is pushed for you, try to view it as an opportunity for self-awareness, healing, honesty, and growth. Our closest relationships allow us great opportunities for learning more about ourselves and who we want to become. Conflict and hurt are inevitable, but you can teach yourself how you wish to behave the next time someone pushes your buttons.
Have people pushed your buttons in the past? How have you handled it? Please share your thoughts and strategies in the comments.
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I have a friend that pushes a button every time I see her and always, from what I can tell, unintentionally. I know that there is something in her behaviour that I identify with and this scares me. Thanks for the reminder not to ignore the message I’m getting.
Hi Charlene,
Aside from trying to understand what you identify with in her behavior, I think it would be good to have an honest conversation with your friend. A true friend doesn’t intentionally push buttons. I would ask her to stop, and if she doesn’t, it might be time to reevaluate the friendship.
Dear Barrie,
Your post shows up just in the right moment: My partner in life is a specialist in hurting my feelings by ignoring them. He just informed me by the way, that his ex-wife stayed in our holiday-apartment a couple of months ago. I got furious about that, which he couldn’t understand. There is to say, that I never met this woman since I know my partner – which is five years now. It’s not me who avoids a get to know. What hurts me the most is, that he doesn’t see, what she’s doing; that she was just noisy and wanted to mark her presence in the place, where we spend our romantic “getaways”. I just sent him an email asking, if he would promise me, not to let her go there anymore, if I would ask him to… After sending the email, I got your newsletter… But anyway, I have to know… Am I wrong? Do I overreact? Thanks for all your positive inputs.
Hi Chris,
Thank you for sharing your story here. I am so sorry you are having this difficulty with your partner. If something your partner is doing is really bothering you, the two of you should be able to talk about it in a loving and supportive way. If that’s not happening, maybe the intervention of a counselor would help you. If your partner truly is an expert at ignoring your feelings and has no intention of changing, you need to consider if this is the best person to have in your life.
Thanks for your inspiring articles, Barrie. I get so much out of them and they help me cope with daily challenges. Button pushing is something I often have trouble with, even with my husband and kids who know how to get me going. Sometimes I can brush it off with humour, other times I want to explode.
Thanks for the reminder that it all stems from my inner feelings about myself related to insecurity and low self esteem. When I’m feeling up about myself and confident, I’m so much more able to handle it.
Hi Cathy,
You are so welcome — I’m so glad I can help you with daily challenges. Maybe you can have a calm conversation with your family and ask them to stop pushing your particularly sensitive buttons. If you tell them how and why it bothers you, perhaps they will think twice the next time a finger is poised over one of your buttons.
it was one of good article i am found of reading. appreciative.
So glad you liked it!
Great article Barrie. I’m sharing it on my Thought Medicine facebook page: http://facebook.com/thoughtmedicine
It took me a long time to realize that in truth, no one pushes my buttons but me. Yes, people do and say hurtful things, but my response to them is my choice… and sometimes Practicing Peace is a full time job!
Linda Gabriel recently posted…How Your Mind Can Heal Your Brain
Thank you so much Linda! I really appreciate your sharing it. You are so right about practicing peace.It’s hard when those darned emotions get in the way.
Greetings Barry,
Great post, as usual useful advice written in a way that I can feel the soft heart beneath it.
What helped me a great deal, was my exposure to the 4 basic personalities categorized by Tony Alessandra as
Director
Relator
Socializer
Thinker
Each of them respond to situations differently
Understanding this gave me a different perspective why people act the way they do.
All the best
Pinny
Hi Pinny,
You are absolutely right — our personalities have so much to do with how we react. Some people feel things so much more deeply while others let it fall of their backs like water on a duck. Perspective always helps us manage our reactions to others. Great point!
People push your buttons because they know they can, regardless of whether they’re aware of it. What they’re looking for is a negative reaction; they want you damaged and on the defensive, for whatever reason. I’ve come across a lot of button pushers in my life; the day I realized that their “opinions” were worthless, because I was the one to decide my own worth, is the day I no longer had buttons for them to push. Treat them with the contempt they deserve — and that’s all they deserve.
Hi Alexis,
That is quite true for some button pushers. But I do think there are people who say things unknowingly that can stir the pot. I’ve had very well-meaning people say something to me that made me bristle. But in those cases, it was more about me than them. Intentional button pushers who do it out of meanness are deserving of contempt, but also compassion. If your pleasure is causing someone pain, that is quite sad.
Its crazy, because I have been putting up with two at work that seem to just cause me a lot of grief , but I am trying to pray and remember kind words, thoughts and actions. Its not always easy, as I have become quite angry, and I am trying to remember that alot of time there are underlying reasons that people take a jab at someone, and part of it could be their own unhappiness at events in their lives, and see you being happy and becoming more content, they have a tendency to try to take it away, and I think its usually unintentional or subconscious, not always a conscious thing.
I think anyways, I can’t always get my thoughts out the way I want them to be read.
Hi Annie,
I’m so sorry you are dealing with difficult people at work. With some people, it helps to ask them to stop, especially if it’s unintentional. With others, they see that request as an invitation to push your buttons even more. When a button-pusher gets no reaction, eventually they will grow tired and stop. I think your strategy is a good one. Just smile and breathe. Give them no push-back. Their words are just words — nothing more.
I like this how you presented it Barrie. These buttons are really too sensitive sometimes. We do need to find out why. However it’s so difficult sometimes to keep patience.
Roman Soluk recently posted…7 Things to Get Rid of Immediately
Yes it is difficult Roman. If you can find just one little strategy to put between your feelings and reactions, it will buy you time to let the feelings pass and analyze the reasons behind them. It definitely takes practice!
I just had such an incident with my ex-boyfriend. I know he does not intend to hurt me, but I do feel sometimes some blame in his voice and that just reminds me of my previous relationship which I initiated to end also.
Hi Melinda,
I’m sure any conversations with an ex-boyfriend are going to be tinged with anger and blame until he has time to heal. Anger is often a cover for pain.
For me, I either look inside or outside. If I am over-working, I am more irritable (buttons more sensitive). Taking on less or taking time out for myself makes my buttons less easier to penetrate.
Or, how do I not take it so personally? I look outside and see that the “rub” usually means more about the person doing the “rubbing” than it does about me. Maybe they are anxious, lonely, having relationship conflict of their own. Who knows, but let them keep the “emotional rub” by not absorbing as much of it.
Marci | Liberating Choices recently posted…Are You Married to Your Expectations?
Hi Marci,
Oh you are so right — when we are tired or stressed , our buttons are extra, extra sensitive! And yes, sometimes it is very clear that the issue is completely about the other person. Compassion is a great “tool” for maintaining your cool. (Didn’t mean to rhyme there, but it works!)
Hi Barrie,
Very useful post!
My reaction when people push my buttons depends on whether it is intentional or not. If it is intentional, then I try not to react in a way they expect me to. After a couple of times, they are likely to stop trying to push my buttons as they are not able to unsettle me and get a reaction that would give them satisfaction!
If it is unintentional, then I try to look within and figure out why it makes me feel so.
Gaori Agrawal recently posted…A Mantra To Live By In Good And Tough Times
You are doing exactly the right things Gaori. When you don’t give the button-pusher the reaction they are expecting, it definitely throws them off — and keeps the situation from devolving. And you are so smart to look at your own reactions and try to understand them. That is the starting point of personal growth.
My hubby is a button-pusher extraordinaire. “Teasing” and “picking on” are just other ways of saying the same thing. He’s looking for the reaction. I do not understand why someone needs to get that reaction. He doesn’t do it to people that he really doesn’t like. His father used to get a perverse kind of pleasure when he picked on me until I managed to get my emotions under control and quit responding at all to him. I haven’t quite gotten a handle on them when my husband does it. I’ve come to the conclusion that when someone teases you and then follows it immediately with a “just kidding” that there is always a little bit of truth behind the teasing. It doesn’t speak very kindly of the person who is doing the teasing/button pushing. DH is an expert at dishing it out but God forbid if you give it right back to him. He can’t take it. We’ve been married 28 years so this is obviously only one aspect of his personality (or I’d be history) but it is not an endearing one.
“What You Should Do When People Push Your Buttons
| Bloom” was indeed a great article. If
only there were much more personal blogs just like this specific one in the actual cyberspace.
Anyways, thanks for your personal precious time, Dusty
https://plus.google.com/u/0/110525705200622001911/posts recently posted…https://plus.google.com/u/0/110525705200622001911/posts
WOW just what I was searching for. Came here by searching for how to organise your home
Thanks Barrie, this is another great post. Well done.